DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

This @mamato3rascals just get out and avoid his nonsense

It's not your job to enable him to have 50:50

If he wants 50:50 that means he picks the kids up from school on his days. Or organises childcare until he can.

If it's his turn to have them, he needs to come get them from you or from school - it's entirely normal for the parent they are going to to pick up rather than the parent they are coming from to drop off. You not providing a taxi service to facilitate his contact time is not you keeping them from him, it's you stopping enabling him.

When you discuss contact, do not be the person providing the solutions. If he says he wants 50:50 you ask "so what does that look like to you" and leave him to come up with solutions to his own logistical issues. Presumably you could have them more (because it seems you are doing all the childcare now anyway) and you have family available for help - because you need to not rely on him for anything because he'll get far less helpful than he even is now

You do not facilitate 50:50. His days are his days and your days are yours. I think set days works better.

You : Mon, Tues
Him: wed. Thurs
Alternate: Fri, Sat and Sun

That way everyone knows what they are responsible for. That includes school holiday, sickness cover ect

You dont facilitate his days because he isnt giving you maintenance and doing that will limit your earn potential. Also, he's more likely to cave an want less contact if he actually has to do the work associated with childcare.

Cover them up with something?!

He is emotionally harming the DC so do not support him having 30/40/50% let him work it out and watch him drop more and more once the divorce is finalised.

He’ll have to clean and cook and find holiday cover.

If you do 50/50 you don’t cover for him on his days. Thats the whole point.

His days are frankly his problem. If he cannot sort it out he doesn’t have 50/50. Stop being so nice frankly.

If you are wanting to move out without him knowing and have wifi cameras just unplug the wifi and the cameras will go down.

Joint account for fair ness send half to your account and then ask the bank to remove your name so it the day you leave. Email the phone and call them. Redirecting post set that up the same day again.

Dismantle or cover the camera(s).
Or just switch off your WiFi router.

Aaaahh just get the divorce asap! You’ll feel SO free!

In all the good heist movies, they spray paint on them... Could you stick an autumn leaf over it somehow?

Also. given what you've already told us about him. Unless your street is plagued by burglaries. I think those cameras are a way of controlling and monitoring you.
I bet people will have some ideas about how to disable the cameras without alerting him.

Can you get a friend to check with you if there are any others in the house?

Edited to say. of course, just seen pp say disable the wifi

Turn the wifi off in your home on the day of the move, after you have packed and just before you leave the house.

Read the updates. OP is leaving at the end of the month and seeking a divorce.

I'd start sending the post to your parents now.. so that by the time you leave he won't still be getting stray missives. and then redirect to your new address.

Wait for him to say what contact he wants..Tell him you will sort it out once the DC are settled in new home. He sounds very lazy so he may not be quick off the mark to start taking on responsibility he has previously landed on you.

I bet he doesn't even comprehend what 50 50 is or what it entails.

Ultimately, aim for the level of contact that is fair for your DC above all, and let him put the case for what is fair for him. If he's not going to help them keep up their afterschool activities, he's not ready for 50-50 perhaps?

Are they connected to the Wi-Fi? If so, turn it off. You could do a trial and see if he notices on another day that the cameras are off? That will tell you whether they’re on Wi-Fi or not. Alternatively, is there a day when he may be going further a field or be away for some reason when you can move?

Then he’d know they were covered (& would see the op do it) rather than it being a tech problem which means they’re offline. I was thinking if he’s out of the house then he’s less likely to rush home if they’re offline than if he thought the Op was up to something.

Turn WiFi off the day you are moving this will disable security cameras. Do not facilitate any of his contact. Those days are his responsibility. Redirect post now & get your ducks in a row. Good luck you got this. You will feel so much lighter once you are away from this awful man. Any explanation to the children must be age appropriate. Don’t worry kids always grow up & figure it out for themselves anyway

When I left my previous partner, I gradually moved out everything that mattered to me….photos, jewelry, books etc so I had the stuff with me that meant the most to me

Well done for getting out @mamato3rascals ! Your STBXH sounds like an emotional terrorist.

Agree with the previous posters to unplug the modem just before you move out so he wont be able to see the moving vans on camera. Move important documents: passports, birth certs, special mementos, first and secretly so he can't hold you to ransom for them later.

I wouldn't tell him in advance that you're moving out. Let him go to work in the morning, move everything during the day, and bring the kids back home to the new house that night. You know he is going to be hostile. He will upset the kids until they're begging not to move. Best to present it as a fait accompli. Maybe set up your own Ring camera on the new house immediately so you can protect yourself from his inevitable tantrum and abuse.

Set up forwarding on your post through Royal Mail, so any post addressed to you will go to the new house and he wont be able to intercept your bank cards etc.

Don't automatically give him the current family home and keep an open mind about you pursuing him for money e.g. from his pension, you taking more than 50% of the family home value etc. Keep him on the back foot and don't negotiate with terrorists!

He is going to make this divorce process as long, traumatic and difficult as possible, but you have good family support and (hopefully!) a SHL to guide you through this. Good luck. 💐

Also if you don’t want to be overly suspicious that the wifi suddenly goes as you leave. Start turning it off randomly here and there so it’s not suddenly suspicious. Random days random times. Sometimes maybe 5 minutes other times an hour.

OP, well done.
Abusers are super intuitive towards their victims.
He senses the change in vibe, your detachment and distraction.
That is why he changes track.

I would def pay more for a crack team of packers to come in and move everything super quickly. Disappear anything small and important from the house over the course of the 2 next weeks. I wouldn't set up redirect until 48 hours before as I seem to remember that they write to you as an anti fraud measure and a letter from the royal mail might tip him off. Arrange someone else to have kids that evening so he can wail in peace (or maybe he won't without an audience). Maybe have a Dear John type email drafted and ready to go once you've moved?

I wish you all the very best.💪💪💪

Just unscrew them from the wall and remove the battery or put electrical tape over the camera (but hell still be able to hear.....

Or switch the Internet off........

He must sense something is up. He has come back today (on my email of a week ago, the one he initially blocked me on WhatsApp for chasing him about on Wednesday last week) asking if I can talk tonight. I can see how this will go. We had the same chat in early June then nothing changed. I feel so sorry for him but at the same time he’s had so, so much notice. He blamed not having come back to me on my note because he worked until 1am last week for two nights. I sometimes have to do that for work too but I don’t broadcast it like he’s done the last week and certainly not use it as an excuse for something like this, and even then there is no reason not to have engaged for the months, years, beforehand whenever I’ve asked. I replied to say I could talk tonight but his expectations need to be managed and that, by now, it’s more than just this post nup - that has just compounded the issue - it’s the way he shushes me; tells me I need to “see someone”; does nada with the kids in terms of time (8 weeks summer hols - 2 days of leave being one such example!) or finances. All the times I’ve asked before to sort this post nup he’s walked out and said he doesn’t have time for this craziness. The post nup is just the final nail tbh. I just need to keep telling myself this and find the strength to keep pushing as he will make me feel sick with guilt about “destroying” the family - but he’s already been doing that for years. I can already feel the relief of some peace. Any thoughts as to how I tackle the convo tonight so welcomed 🙏💐😢

Tell him you are done.

I would just listen to what he has to say and not say anything yourself. I would even make notes.

For your own sanity write bullet points of his refusal to engage in the legals and the DC so you can’t be gaslit.

Pick a grey rock statement to use if and when you need to “recollections and opinions may vary” and or “I’m disappointed you refuse to take accountability for your part this so it’s not up for further discussion”.

You know the marriage is over and you know a chunk of the “blame” is on him so don’t get drawn in.

Most of all divorce splitting the assets fairly ignoring your future potential inheritance. He had his chance for an overly generous settlement but he blew that. He isn’t going to support the DC in the future so don’t be fooled into a financial settlement to enable him to piss it up the wall whilst he doesn’t parent.

I’m not saying waste money fighting but don’t be over generous expecting him to stick to his claims of 50:50 etc as he’s already proved he isn’t a man of his word.

Please stay strong and end this. Look at all the time you have wasted since June. You need to move on asap.