DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

[mamato3rascals]

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

How is this comment in any way helpful to OP?
Did it make you feel good writing it?

Oh it’s her fault is it?
Despise opinions such as yours.
“you married him, you had children, you made your bed…”
Sickening and shows that you have very little understanding or empathy.

So pleased to read your update.

Have a plan for moving day. Will the kids be at school or your parents? Do it while they are somewhere so they don't see his drama.

Have your parents there for moral support. He could try and stop you taking things.

How will the 50:50 work. Have you discussed this?

It's usually either a full week with him/you or half a week with him/you. On his days/nights he must take responsibility for the DC, getting them to school, pack lunches, clubs in the evening, dinner, bath and bed. He needs to do their laundry, provide clothes etc. You are at home doing your thing.

Given his uselessness I'd take the kids with you and make him tell you how it will work. I guess he'll become a weekend day and then a EOW. I honestly cannot see him wanting to parent half the time.

Good luck with your DC talk to her about being happy, being strong and doing the right thing .

Im so glad you have a plan in place. Can't advise on the legal side but id honestly not bother with the 50/50 unless he agrees that he will make arrangements to manage their activities etc on his days. Its not uncommon for men to say they are doing 50/50 and maybe in terms of overnights are but then have the ex smdo all the school runs, even dinner sometimes because they 'cant' but also then avoid paying cms.

You are more fortunate than many with your financial position and the support of your parents so forge ahead. As to telling him, get the kids out of the house, with friends or grandparents. Probably as close to moving day as is practical. Tell him. Short and factual. It is happening,no more chances. Ask HIM to come up with a visitation schedule, its not your job and make it clear they are HIS responsibility on those days. S
Calm and clear. Good luck x

What a shitty comment ugh

As usual, blaming the woman for the lying grasping conniving POS her H turned out to be.

You might get sympathy and comfort on here but this really is one for a family solicitor, not a forum of randoms.

OP, the crying and sobbing are him manipulating you.

https://zawn.substack.com/p/my-husband-cries-when-i-threaten?utm_source=post-email-title&publication_id=666106&post_id=210084503&utm_campaign=email-post-title&isFreemail=false&r=rtx32&triedRedirect=true&utm_medium=email

I was the higher income business owner in the marriage and divorced when my DD was 8. I maintained the stance that Mummy and Daddy were not making each other happy and that it was better to have two happy homes than one unhappy home and that we both loved her very much.
After we split I ensured that I listened to DD, I supported her and was there for her.
She has worked her Dad herself now she is an adult, she has a relationship with her Dad, but it is very limited.
She is a strong independent woman now building her own career now.
Don’t loose heart the next few weeks are going to be tough, but it will be better on the other side. Once you are in your new home you will feel that you can breathe.

So pleased to hear your update. I think you have done the right thing. Pre-nup and financial issues aside, it sounded like an unbearable situation for you at home, which I am sure would not have been good for you or the children. It also sounds sensible to keep your plans quiet until everything is sorted with your new place. Regarding speaking to the children, just keep things as neutral as possible; other PPs have made some great suggestions on how to handle this. You cannot control what he says to the kids, so try not to focus too much on that or be dragged into arguments. It is just a waste of your energy. It sounds like he was an extremely difficult man to be married to, so it is no surprise that he is making things difficult in your divorce. But you sound strong and you have the support of your mum and dad (and us lot on here!) so you are not alone. So many mumsnetters have been through similar so check back in if you need advice or a sounding board as you navigate the next few months. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get there. Good luck with everything.

Very best of luck OP. I can understand how worried you are about distressing your eldest-but not living with uncertainty, a tense atmosphere and shouting will surely be better for her peace of mind? It's so depressing how often a woman a variant of your situation pops asking for help but more often than not, she'll pop up again once it's all over to say how much her life has improved after ditching the useless sack of manipulative crap she was married to.

You're still worrying about being fair and making sure he comes out ok so he won't come after you-he won't be worrying about that at all. He is not your friend anymore, he'll try and bury you. Get that shit hot lawyer!

Personally I'd speak with Women's Aid and see what they advise for the actual leaving bit / serving him divorce papers. He has manipulated you for so long and you are still after all this time he still has a way of trying to reel you back in. Some independent advice rather than a forum of random might help you to remain steadfast once he starts his waterworks and manipulating techniques.

Good luck and hope you begin to feel happier once rid.

You and your family need to seek expert legal advice on this. There is probably a way to protect these assets.
Your husband though is behaving like a baby with the headphones. You come across as being generally fed up in this marriage.

Im so glad you have a plan in place. Can't advise on the legal side but id honestly not bother with the 50/50 unless he agrees that he will make arrangements to manage their activities etc on his days. Its not uncommon for men to say they are doing 50/50 and maybe in terms of overnights are but then have the ex smdo all the school runs, even dinner sometimes because they 'cant' but also then avoid paying cms.

You are more fortunate than many with your financial position and the support of your parents so forge ahead. As to telling him, get the kids out of the house, with friends or grandparents. Probably as close to moving day as is practical. Tell him. Short and factual. It is happening,no more chances. Ask HIM to come up with a visitation schedule, its not your job and make it clear they are HIS responsibility on those days. S
Calm and clear. Good luck x

I do 50/50. For various reasons, we had to live together for two years after separating. I couldn't argue the 50/50 because XH has a job that allowed him to do it, and solicitor said it would be impossible to contest unless I could demonstrate abuse.

Our arrangement is 5-5-2-2 and I just stopped doing anything on "his" days. It was very hard to watch him struggle and be useless and sometimes quite angry and shouty with the DC, but I insisted that if he wanted 50/50 then he had to 50%. Unsurprisingly, I do more. I managed all the paperwork for school, GP, dentist etc. I don't trust XH to keep on top of school meal payments etc and it's the DC who then siffer. But in terms of time, I don't assist on his days.

It's a bit different now. DC were 10 and 7 at separation and now 17 and 14. Older one often stays at mine after parties or pops in to spend time here. Has commented that they "wouldn't be allowed" to meet friends at X time at their dad's (nothing radical, just that XH is still quite controlling and firm about certain things, especially anything on a Sunday).

Anyway, long-winded way of saying that you should look at some suggestions of 50/50 schedules and try to agree one but make it very clear that whatever the split, you are each responsible for your own days.

I prefer the 5-2 system because then I paid for my regular after-school care on my 2 days and it was separate from XH's arrangements on his days (school let us have separate bills for after-school club).

For DC2, school sorted counselling and space in an arts club for children who needed a bit of extra emotional support for whatever reason. So ask school what they can do. Every child is different, but my DC2 still struggles a lot more socially and with life generally than DC1. But is coping much better these days. Divorce didn't help, but the atmosphere in my house is so much better than pre-divorce that it's definitely been better overall, I think.

Mine adjusted quite quickly to 50/50 and both want to see both of us, so are still happy with the arrangement. Your H sounds even worse than my XH, though, so unless he really steps up, your DC may prefer more time with you.

Good luck.

Having just gone through a horrible divorce for over two years where my ex actively targeted non matrimonial assets from my family, my advice is to commence divorce now and get those assets in a trust. I saw a side of my ex husband that is nasty and revolting.

Unhelpful and judgmental comment, obviously they cared about each other and wanted to be together. No one plans to change how they feel about someone. Life happens.

Don't stress about facilitating 50:50. If he can't pick them up or make arrangements, he can't do 50:50. Make sure he has the option then leave him to it, all the time recording how much he actually does. Your children won't be happy spending time with a loser who doesn't bother with them, so it's not best for them.

I encourage you to let your parents help with the move. What does it matter if the gossip starts a day earlier? They have workmen who can help you and will be on your side and that’s something practical they can do. I’d spend the £500 on cleaners and a handyman on your end to rebuild furniture, unpack, and get the house ready and welcoming for your children to come back to that evening after a lovely day with their grandparents.

I think you’ve been in such a bad place for such a long time you’ll need a lot of support around you to actually make this happen. Do you have some really good friends who can come with you? You could use someone reminding you all day that this is the right thing to do, and to interject if he starts in again. And of course if you ever feel the slightest bit physically challenged or in danger, do not hesitate to phone the police. You have the right to leave whenever you want and he cannot stop you.

And yes - 50/50 means exactly that. Whatever happens from 4-6pm on his days is his problem. They don’t need a sleepover at their dad’s unless he’s actually parenting them for that day. I would take the kids and ask him what he wants to do - am actually guessing he’ll be too disorganised to have a plan and it will fizzle down to almost nothing. He can’t have the kids half the time and also expect you to do ‘all’ the ferrying around, that’s not how it works.

Good luck!

(pragmatically - can you start slowly packing up and moving things now? If he’s as disengaged as he sounds, he probably won’t even notice. Move whatever you want from the garage / attic / etc to your parents place or a storage unit. Slowly sort through the kids’ stuff. Move any jewellery or precious family keepsakes out. That sort of thing. So the moving day is less frenetic)

How is this helpful in any way?

So pleased with your update - fantastic, well done! I agree with the others, 50/50 shouldn’t mean you have to facilitate his work. He sorts the kids entirely on his days or he can’t do 50/50, & you need a different arrangement.

Good luck with the move - hope it goes as smoothly as possible.

Start moving anything precious to your parents house. Think of what you might want from the loft eg sentimental Christmas decorations. Although presumably until the divorce is settled you should be able to go back to the house but don’t count on it.

I agree with other posters that 50:50 is not in your children’s best interest. Take them with you and suggest it would be best for the kids to have a few days to settle into the new house. Does he want to take them out for the day on Saturday. Don’t agree to him picking them up after tea at 7pm on a school night - that’s too disruptive. Leave it to him to say what he wants and how he will manage his kids on his time.

So pleased to hear your update, I am sure other MNs will help with the lawyer side of things but just wanted to echo the 50/50 side. If he wants 50/50 then thats what he gets, and he is responsible for the children on those days. Do not be bridging a gap til he finishes work, he will just continue to use this to control you.

50/50 is pick up after school , dinner homework bath bed. Write into the child arrangement order that having the night means you are the school pick up parent, and if asked to collect the child can stay that night.

He sounds lovely. Divorce him now. Before any inheritance. Split your joint assets 50:50. Get out. 3 kids on your own will be fine. You can afford a good nanny and a regular daily cleaner, I bet they’ll be more helpful and make your life easier than your husband.

I'm so glad you've decided to divorce this POS. You've made absolutely the right decision and have got so much sorted already. There's brilliant advice upthread about removing any items of (sentimental and monetary) value. Make sure you also have the DCs passports, birth certificates and medical records as well as any important toys they have.

The house will still be yours, legally, while he's there but you might not feel comfortable going back there to pick things up.