AIBU to see this as a major breach of trust over spending?

[Darknightsdarkmoods]

AIBU - my DH of 10 years (no DCs) has a fairly expensive Pokémon hobby and he collects lots of items related to this. He earns a mediocre wage, and has been paying off a decent sized debt for the past year, which is now nearly cleared. We have talked about a holiday in May to celebrate this. Our finances are completely separate and while I have historically out earned him, I am currently unemployed and living off savings.

He made a pre-order last night, which he frequently does, and are usually in the ballpark of £100. I don’t love this use of money, but have come to accept as long as bills, mortgage and other expenses are paid, his money is his to spend as he wishes.

This morning I opened the shared laptop and the last page left open showed the most recent purchase was £250. On his return from work, I asked what was the order last night, and he lied to me and said it was just the usual £100. I clarified, and he said again it was just the usual.

Later in the evening I confronted him, explained I had seen the purchase accidentally, and that I am extremely upset he lied to me. He doesn’t seem very remorseful at all, and is more focussed on my toxic ‘setting up a question trap’.

To me this is a huge breach of trust, irrelevant to how I feel about the choice of his spending, he lied directly to me when asked. I’m worried I can’t trust him and do feel he has probably lied about money in the past.

AIBU? And what would you do?

Y - It’s not that big a deal
N - It’s a huge betrayal

We have separate finances ( there is a joint account for household costs). I'd never ask my dp how much something cost that he had bought from his own money and vice versa. I thought that was one of the purposes of keeping money separate.
Why did you even mention it to him ? Is there more to the story ?

How may previous purchases has he lied about?

He doesn’t seem very remorseful at all, and is more focussed on my toxic ‘setting up a question trap’.

He's right and I don't blame him for being annoyed with you.

He shouldn't have lied but it's his money to spend on whatever he wants. You have both agreed to this arrangement. He just senses your disapproval.

If you don't want him to have autonomy over his own money then split up.

If he was failing to meet his share of the bills and outgoings then you might have a point but he's not, you've said he is paying his fair share.

If you have separate finances surely he can spend what he wants as long as it’s out of “his” money?

That’s a valid point. Realistically, I ask because I worry he is spending more then he can afford. I accept that is a judgement from me which he unfair, but not unfounded, as a lot of the debt he built up originally was related to Pokémon card spending.

I also had a bad feeling he would lie about it, I have caught him in smaller lies before. I suppose I already have reduced trust.

Where does this leave me. In some ways it’s a small thing. But trust is everything. :(

Might be missing the point here but you are celebrating finishing paying off debt by spending on a holiday, whilst you are unemployed and using savings to live?

Lies are lies, if he is happy to lie to you about a hobby spend; what else?

He already has previous debt from this type of spend; tell me how this is any different fron a gambling addiction? Especially if he feels the need to lie and hide his activity.

I'm sorry, but I'd see his actions as major red flag territory and i'd not be happy to tie myself financially to a man with gambling and lying as two characteristics. Even if you maintain seperate finances in a relationship; you rely on that person maintaing a financial standing that allows you to do things together equally. This wouldnt work for me.

If you have separate finances then I fail to see how it's really any of your business?

And if it's a red flag for him to lie about how much of his own money he's spending on his hobbies, then it's a red flag for you to get angry about him spending his own money on his hobbies when he is servicing his debts and bills absolutely fine. Is he lying because you're overbearing about money? Or are you checking because he has a pattern of overspending? I mean, it can't be a huge debt if he's not a high earner and has almost paid it off in less than a year?

Why ask him when you already knew?

Dh and I have joint accounts for things that are to be spent on jointly and separate accounts for ourselves to spend on whatever we want. I don’t question what he spends on things and vice versa. As long as our bills are paid, savings are added to and other spending commitments are met, we don’t have a say or opinion on what we spend our personal money on. He bought himself a watch last month to commemorate a business milestone he was proud of. Not a clue how much it cost. Wouldn’t ask him because I know it would be more money than I’d ever spend on a watch and in my mind it would be a ‘waste’ and my face would show that and even though I’m very proud of his achievement it would take the shine off of it for him. I’ve told him it’s a nice watch and that I’m proud of him and that I’m glad he’s got something special as a mark of the achievement and left it at that.

do you think he wasn’t honest with you because you think it’s a waste of money?

Where does this leave me.

Apologise to him and stop judging him for spending on his hobby.

Cross posted with your update (got interrupted by a dc mid typing).
I can see this is how he ran up the original debt and I do understand your reservations.
How are you sure he’s almost cleared his debt and where’s the money coming from for the holiday in May?

This… what’s the plan for when your savings run out?

This is why me and DH have separate finances. If I want to spend £150 on having my hair done, I can. If he wants to spend £100 on a PlayStation game, he can. As long as the bills are being paid, our money is our own.
you don’t sound too sensible yourself. A holiday when you’re unemployed and using savings??

I simply couldn’t find him attractive I don’t think…..though that isn’t really the question

Seems there are bigger issues here

I get why you’re worried but he can spend his money how he wants and since your finances are separate he can get into debt and clear it if he wants to - just focus on your and your spending!

You have separate finances.
He doesn’t owe you any information on how he spends his money so long as he is covering his share of the bills.
Instead of acting like his momma, go get a job.

Do you feel that the money could be spent on something that is more of a joint benefit? Like the holiday?

And planning debt free celebratory holiday next month when you are unemployed sounds like a bad girl math meme.

What he spends his money on is not why I am upset. I am upset he lied to me directly when asked. I think I have a reasonable expectation of a truthful answer when asked a question by a joint financial partner? We are financially linked whether we share bank accounts or not.

I don’t have money worries and will be back in work in May. The holiday would be a cheap camping trip which we have both agreed too.

You did set him up though? And if he lied about it, its because he knows you won't 'approve' of whatever it is he spent his money on.
He's an adult. You have separate finances.

I would hate my DH to go through my spending.

It isnt a small thing at all. He cannot be trusted. What is the point in asking him anything if you know he lies.

but you are currently unemployed, paying bills with savings and he earns a mediocre amount and you want to book a holiday? You could also be considered financially irresponsible.

Hmm. If you have agreed an amount of spending money each then it’s up to him what he does with it. (Dh and I have an equal and set amount of spending money; I fritter mine away on smaller things and he tends to save his and splurge). The issue is whether he’s got more spending money than you and whether it impacts on other stuff. If it means you can’t have the holiday you’re both excited about then that’s a biggie.

How would you normally respond if he told you he had spent £250 on his hobby? I'm guessing you would express disapproval and berate him which is why he lied.

He shouldn't lie but you also shouldn't try to monitor his spending.

OP, how would you have reacted if he'd been honest?

A grown man spending hundreds of pounds on Pokémon would give me the ick. Sorry.