AIBU to see this as a major breach of trust over spending?

[Darknightsdarkmoods]

AIBU - my DH of 10 years (no DCs) has a fairly expensive Pokémon hobby and he collects lots of items related to this. He earns a mediocre wage, and has been paying off a decent sized debt for the past year, which is now nearly cleared. We have talked about a holiday in May to celebrate this. Our finances are completely separate and while I have historically out earned him, I am currently unemployed and living off savings.

He made a pre-order last night, which he frequently does, and are usually in the ballpark of £100. I don’t love this use of money, but have come to accept as long as bills, mortgage and other expenses are paid, his money is his to spend as he wishes.

This morning I opened the shared laptop and the last page left open showed the most recent purchase was £250. On his return from work, I asked what was the order last night, and he lied to me and said it was just the usual £100. I clarified, and he said again it was just the usual.

Later in the evening I confronted him, explained I had seen the purchase accidentally, and that I am extremely upset he lied to me. He doesn’t seem very remorseful at all, and is more focussed on my toxic ‘setting up a question trap’.

To me this is a huge breach of trust, irrelevant to how I feel about the choice of his spending, he lied directly to me when asked. I’m worried I can’t trust him and do feel he has probably lied about money in the past.

AIBU? And what would you do?

Y - It’s not that big a deal
N - It’s a huge betrayal

I generally don't believe in questioning everything a partner would purchase out of their own money (after joint expenses have been paid) but if someone has a tendency to end up in debt over pokeman then it is sensible to check in sometimes about their spending .

The lying would bother me and I would be looking at why he felt the need to lie. Is his previous debt actually clear. Or is he racking up another debt without you realising.

He needs to stop wasting money on pokemon and you need to forget about holidays until you are in a better financial position.

You have to think big. One card was bought for over $5m and then sold for $16m
https://edition.cnn.com/2026/02/16/americas/pokemon-card-logan-paul-record-auction-intl-hnk

These are collectibles for men as much as birkin bags are for women.
https://www.magazineleather.com/10-million-bag-original-birkin-breaks-auction-record-in-paris/

Although with a better rate of return.

You’re not joint financial partners because you don’t have joint finances.

I would have been accepting of his choices. I won’t lie and pretend I love the use of money, but I would have said nothing to him (it’s HIS money and I get that. Not everything has to be a financial win, some things are just for fun, I spend my own money on clothes and travel but I wouldn’t hide this from him).

I am simply struggling to know what to do about the lying. Even if this was nothing to do with hobby related spending, a financial lie is surely a big offense?

We have a joint house and a joint account?

But the rest of your money is separate to do with as you wish.

So if you honestly would have been absolutely fine with his spending, not rolled your eyes or shown disapproval, why do you think he lied about it?

Sorry It’s not the point of the thread but what is a Pokémon hobby and how does it cost so much? I thought Pokémon was a children’s tv show

But your finances are separate. Which means you don’t get to see anything other than the joint account.

It’s only an offence if

• you have joint finances (you don’t) and it breaches agreements (not applicable)
• if you have separate finances and it affects your safety or ability to pay bills ( ie he has a mistress, got her pregnant, gave you an STD, or spent all his rent money on snow)

I think he feels internal guilt about overspending on a hobby instead of finishing paying off debts and saving for joint trip, and he is projecting that onto me as ‘guilting him’.

I hate to say it OP, but I think with a man like this, who obviously lied to you because he felt guilty for spending that amount of money, he is likely to be headed exactly where you're expecting him to go - into debt again. It's likely he thinks that now his last debt is almost paid off, that he can start building it up again, which personally I wouldn't be happy about, and I would be fretting in the same way that you appear to be. Also, if he's lied to you before, then he can't be trusted, so it sounds to me like you need to decide whether you really want to live in fear of him building up a debt that he can't pay off, and then being expected to pay it off for him, or not, in which case, I think you'd be wise to put an end to the relationship.

What is your general reaction to him spending on his hobby? I wonder if that’s why he lied because he was worried about your reaction?
If he’s paying his debts and contributing to the joint finances then I can’t see a problem. If he’s getting into further debt buying them then that’s a problem.

Buying and selling Pokémon cards is big business and can make lots of money. I don’t ’get it’ but it isn’t just money down the drain. It arguably shouldn’t be something which needs to be lied about, hence I’m upset.

I suggest you bin the joint trip until you get a job. You may need those savings.

If you have separate finances though, it’s also not something that he needs to be interrogated over

Background of debt, has a mediocre salary and spends large sums of money on a game, I’d worry overspending habits are back.
What are his ideals, priorities in life? Are you planning on kids?

I’m on the fence on this one as when I’ve been in relationships with someone where we have not shared finances - I would not expect to have to justify my spending to anyone
When single I could spend £1000s on jewellery and live on beans on toast for a few months
In a relationship I would do same as long as I had enough money to face my joint commitments and enjoy a similar shared lifestyle - but I’ve never had unmanageable debt
If I felt I was being judged about my spending I might even lie about it! Eg - I’ve had it years - got it in a sale etc
Maybe that’s why I will never share finances ever again.

This!

We also have joint account for household and shared expenses but our own personal accounts for us each of us to do as we please. What’s the point of having separate if you’re going to get involved in how each other spend? I wouldn’t be happy with the outright lie but equally I don’t think it was any of your business

Lying is naff, don't get me wrong and am sorry he lied to you. I can see why he would be economical with the truth here if he knows you disapprove. I would guess he was deflecting a little with his grumpy behaviour when 'caught out'.

Bottom line is though you shouldn't question his spending if it's not your money or money for the bills, not until it affects you personally. He also needs to earn your trust now after the lie.

I don’t think it’s complicated OP he lied to your face persistently..that is a lack of honour and respect for you.

( Especially having got into difficulty in the past which presumably means you haven’t had the joint life you might have hoped for.)

I know - what the actual fuck 🤣🤣🤣

I don’t think yabu but then on the other hand I don’t think he is either, he’s an adult and you both have separate finances. It’s a tough one

What a waster he is. He sounds like he doesn’t have kids. For every pound he spends on that shite, that’s another pound out of the joint pot.

What the frig is he going to do with all his little cards and toys? Sell them later when they’re worth more? Like hell he is.

You are extremely tolerant OP. What do you waste £100 on here and there?

I don’t feel I am judging his spending. I feel I am holding a joint expectation of a shared life together where we spend equally on holidays, future children, days out, house maintenance etc. and don’t wrack up large debts. If he has money to spare- go for it! He doesn’t, and he and I both know this (based on debts, wage, previous open money discussions, and even upcoming commitments like family weddings).

So I know why he lied, he feels guilty and is deflecting. I am just struggling to choose my response because the lying is a pretty major betrayal and shows he is not only frivolous, he can’t be honest with his life partner about it.