AIBU to see this as a major breach of trust over spending?

[Darknightsdarkmoods]

AIBU - my DH of 10 years (no DCs) has a fairly expensive Pokémon hobby and he collects lots of items related to this. He earns a mediocre wage, and has been paying off a decent sized debt for the past year, which is now nearly cleared. We have talked about a holiday in May to celebrate this. Our finances are completely separate and while I have historically out earned him, I am currently unemployed and living off savings.

He made a pre-order last night, which he frequently does, and are usually in the ballpark of £100. I don’t love this use of money, but have come to accept as long as bills, mortgage and other expenses are paid, his money is his to spend as he wishes.

This morning I opened the shared laptop and the last page left open showed the most recent purchase was £250. On his return from work, I asked what was the order last night, and he lied to me and said it was just the usual £100. I clarified, and he said again it was just the usual.

Later in the evening I confronted him, explained I had seen the purchase accidentally, and that I am extremely upset he lied to me. He doesn’t seem very remorseful at all, and is more focussed on my toxic ‘setting up a question trap’.

To me this is a huge breach of trust, irrelevant to how I feel about the choice of his spending, he lied directly to me when asked. I’m worried I can’t trust him and do feel he has probably lied about money in the past.

AIBU? And what would you do?

Y - It’s not that big a deal
N - It’s a huge betrayal

Fair enough OP. Time to sit down and have a good talk about what you both want going forward? Wish you well and hope everything works out good.

Does it make any difference if her DH buys video games, books, stamps or coins? Its his spending money to spend as he wishes.

I spend forty five pounds on my nails every couple of weeks. I spend two hundred pounds on hair appts every few months. I know this is considered a waste of money for many people and I have nothing to show for it. Its probably worse than collecting Pokemon stuff really.

Jamesblonde2
What a waster he is. He sounds like he doesn’t have kids. For every pound he spends on that shite, that’s another pound out of the joint pot.
What the frig is he going to do with all his little cards and toys? Sell them later when they’re worth more? Like hell he is.
You are extremely tolerant OP. What do you waste £100 on here and there?

Why are some hobbies deemed more worthy than others? If it makes him happy it makes him happy. Would you be fine if he spent it on golf or triathlons? Why does it make people wasters if they game? We’re sitting chatting on an online forum- we could be solving world problems or reading Tolstoy but we’re here, everyone has different things to do in their spare time

Yes I think the Pokémon part might be throwing people. I wish I had said football :/

I don’t care what he is spending on. I support his right to have hobbies!

Lots of people on the thread suggesting I just ignore his spending and leave him to it. Surely no one is ok with their partner having secretive finances? Seperate and secret are not the same to me.

My partners Grandad collected stamps and would try and show me his collection at every opportunity, telling me they are worth lots of money, I took him to stamp fair once and it was one of the most boring 4 hours of my life. Unfortunately he passed away last year and I joked about the big windfall from stamps, someone came round and valued them, not any obvious value until he came across one stamp and suggested they auction it………sold for nearly 50k!!!

But it sounds like it is money Don the drain if he’s ended up in a lot of debt

If your finances are separate they’re separate

I don’t know why, but they are. Some are attractive and some are deeply unattractive. Like someone up thread said, collecting children’s cards gives the ick. And a waste of money to boot.

He sounds very insular and nerdy.

But this is about you and what you want to do and how you feel.
you’ve made it clear that it’s too big a deal to turn a blind eye to so what are you going to do about it?

He sounds very insular and nerdy.

How mature of you to describe someone like this!

Quite..

I don’t know. I think I was hoping to get some advice on what others would practically do in this scenario.

Ive told him I feel disappointed and I don’t accept the apology as given. We haven’t talked about it since and have stayed apart this evening.

Leaving the house for space feels extreme but staying on pretending nothing happened doesn’t feel right either.

Not exactly the point, but what a ridiculous thing for a grown man to spend hundreds of pounds on.

You mean fact.

I think he is taking the pee and abusing your trust and nice heart. tell him to start pulling his weight around.

Do you own your home Op? I ask because if you do, building up debt would directly impact you. Otherwise it's his problem, but I wouldn't have children with someone who lies to me and who doesn't put me and the children first.

Surely no one is ok with their partner having secretive finances? Seperate and secret are not the same to me.

Private is the word for it and yes, it's fine to keep your own separate finances private.

You say that he lied because he feels internal guilt so why did you even question him about his spending, knowing that this would make him feel bad?

I'm not sure you're being entirely honest yourself when you say it's not about what he spends it on. Your posts are coming across as extremely disapproving of his hobby.

He knows that you disapprove and so he feels guilty. You reinforce that when you question him about how much he spent on his hobby.

I don’t really have much advice. I just wanted to chime in with I too have a partner with an expensive Pokemon card hobby! I’ve never seen another one on here. It’s usually cycling or golf!

I don’t get it and I especially do not get the boxes of cards he will not open but it makes him happy. I have raised an eyebrow when he’s running low on money but decides to put a new release above all else. Luckily we have separate finances so the only person he’s negatively impacting is himself.

The thing for me is the fact he has built previous debt on this hobby, he is lying about the spend, shows disrespectful thinking and actions towards OP.

You have joint finances by the fact you have a house and a joint account. What are your future plans - holidays, kids etc? do the future finace requirements go up? Will this be a squeeze on the hobby meaning hiding spend and lying more?

Lying and debt tendencies - thats red flag. Forget the hobby type; its irrelevant- if OP had said Fruit machines, horse racing, Cars, football, weightlifting or something a bit more manly, no one would have battled an eye. Pokemen is his hobby, fair enough. But lying and previous debt, coupled with ending debt meaning hes in the space of "im doing ok, i can spend more now" territory.

Its sounding more like addictive personality than hobbyist to me. If he is willing to go into debt for it and hes lying about his spend (regularly?).

I dont like lies, regardless if he justified it "i'm only lying because she will go mad" - that shows he thinks OP is there to patrol him, watching him, reacting. Its not adult self aware, accountability which is what you need from a financial partner. One who makes good decisions and takes accountability.

He was on the pokemon centre website wasn’t he ?

This one might actually be far more outing than golf.

My immediate reaction is - what a childish hobby.

But I've read that people can make money buying and selling the cards.

So is he actually doing that? And it's actually an investment/money making activity?

Or does he just collect them, and they're all gathering dust in a box in the loft, and they aren't actually worth anything anyway?

If it's the latter, then yes, I would think it was a monumental waste of money.

And the fact that he lied about it would suggest he knows it's all wasted money too.

Was he in debt previously due to his Pokemon habit?
Which would be another reason to lie about it.

You have to decide how big a deal you want to make of this...

What, in you opinion, should a "grown man" spend his own money on?

Paying off his debts, a much looked forward to holiday with his wife, contributing more to the household while his wife is unemployed. Saving for their future. Just a few examples.

Until such point that his share of the bills can't be met and/or you have to keep subbing him it's none of your business.