AIBU to see this as a major breach of trust over spending?

[Darknightsdarkmoods]

AIBU - my DH of 10 years (no DCs) has a fairly expensive Pokémon hobby and he collects lots of items related to this. He earns a mediocre wage, and has been paying off a decent sized debt for the past year, which is now nearly cleared. We have talked about a holiday in May to celebrate this. Our finances are completely separate and while I have historically out earned him, I am currently unemployed and living off savings.

He made a pre-order last night, which he frequently does, and are usually in the ballpark of £100. I don’t love this use of money, but have come to accept as long as bills, mortgage and other expenses are paid, his money is his to spend as he wishes.

This morning I opened the shared laptop and the last page left open showed the most recent purchase was £250. On his return from work, I asked what was the order last night, and he lied to me and said it was just the usual £100. I clarified, and he said again it was just the usual.

Later in the evening I confronted him, explained I had seen the purchase accidentally, and that I am extremely upset he lied to me. He doesn’t seem very remorseful at all, and is more focussed on my toxic ‘setting up a question trap’.

To me this is a huge breach of trust, irrelevant to how I feel about the choice of his spending, he lied directly to me when asked. I’m worried I can’t trust him and do feel he has probably lied about money in the past.

AIBU? And what would you do?

Y - It’s not that big a deal
N - It’s a huge betrayal

I knew "household" would be on your list. In other words shared with wifey.

He is a liar and has form.
Keep your finances strictly separate and think long and hard about ever having children with a man who spends money while in debt and lies about it.

He's not a good bet.

I’m not always honest with my DH about what I spend money on. It’s my money, I pay my share of all the household stuff, and it is my beeswax

I may tell him that my perfume was £60 when it was over £100.. so what ?

He's deflecting, but he does have a point.

Don't play with people, I get what you saw the objective as, but I don't feel like it makes you any better than him really.

You saw he'd spent it, just ask him, did he have enough to cover it.

If the answer was yes without leaving himself short, then that should be the end of your questioning.

You cannot police what he's spending his free money on = control.
You manipulated the situation because you tried to trip him up with a lie.

Honestly, it kind of sounds like he lied because you make a thing of him spending his money on what he likes.

As long as he's still paying off his debt, not getting into more and managing his money better, then you need to step the fuck away from poking your nose in.

Only if he's risking his credit rating and yours, and not managing his money is it an issue for discussion.

Quite…

This, it's stupid and unnecessary, but many people do it sometimes.

I've paid my half of the bills, put money in joint savings and my own. But sometimes I feel a bit 😳about what I've spent on myself and round down a bit.

Pokemoning her nose in 😁

Under ordinary circumstances I'd say you were unreasonable, but as he's had big debts before I think you have good reason to keep a wary eye on his spending.

You shouldn't have set him a "bear trap" tho, you should have been honest and said up front that you saw what he'd spent unintentionally when using the laptop. Men are particularly hurt by humiliation, if you wanted him to listen to you you may have just blown it.

You are way judgy about his Pokemon habit - your whole post screams it. He knows this, surely. He lied because if he'd told you the truth you'd have nagged on about his Pokemon spending. You can't have strictly separate finances and then be judgy and annoyed about what he spends his money on. This one is on you.

If your finances are separate and he covers his share of mortgage, bills, food etc then I guess it's up to him.

I mean to me it sounds like gambling, as surely these Pokémon things aren't actually having any meaningful financial value? Like could he sell them easily and not lose money? I guess a hobby is a hobby.

Do you have your own money and your wages goes into your own account? Can you buy your own things to that value each month if you wished?

Practically in this situation I would, firstly apologise to my DH for asking a question I already knew the answer to and setting him up for a test he didn’t know he was taking.

Secondly, I’d say that the current financial partnership isn’t working and needs looked at again. I’d want all money to be pooled together, agreeing priorities and allocating amounts accordingly for household, holidays, repairs, savings, investments etc. This includes an amount set aside for each partner in separate accounts if desired to spend/save/invest as they choose. No questions asked, ever, on what this money is used for.

Lastly, I’d acknowledge that the lie isn’t the big deal here and instead try to figure out why I wasn’t honest with my DH upfront - ‘I saw the screen and the £250 spend. I’m concerned about it and would like to talk.’

his money is his to spend as he wishes.

Unless op doesn't approve

Personally, I'd have problems with him spending (wasting, imo) money on a hobby when he's supposed to be paying down a debt and saving for a holiday, but you did set a trap for him by asking that way instead of just bringing it up and reminding him that you're supposed to be saving for the holiday.

It's not good that he lied about his spending, but if you normally don't keep close watch over what the other is spending, it was probably a combination of him feeling it wasn't your business how much he spent and not wanting to admit out loud that he's spending more on his hobby than he thinks you'd approve of.

Either your finances are separate or they're not. If they're separate, maybe you shouldn't expect to know exactly what he's spending and on what. But personally, I want to feel that my husband isn't wasting money, and I'd expect him to be unhappy if I were wasting a lot of money, too. I'd want to discuss our financial situation as a household, confirm that there's a plan in place to pay off the debt, build up some savings together, and keep hobby spending at a reasonable level. I wouldn't be happy with someone wasting more money on hobbies than I felt was reasonable and thereby keeping us from having security or the option to afford nice things together.

My DH collects cards (not Pokemon but similar) as a hobby (yes he’s an insular nerd but so am I so 🤷‍♀️). DD1 collects them too, our whole family are nerds together! DD2 will soon join in too no doubt. I will inform him that he has given the ick to some people on MN though and he may reevaluate his life.

The debt thing would concern me as it sounds like he maybe doesn’t have much self control over his spending. I’ve no idea how much DH spends on cards, but he has no idea how much I spend on my hobbies either, we just use our own spends for that. But neither of us would go into debt over it. The lying over amount is kinda meh IMO, I think a lot of people minimise what they spend on an expensive item. DH always accuses me of rounding down But I would be worried that he could end up in debt again.

You (wisely) have separate finances, so why is this an issue?
I have no idea how much my husband spends on his hobbies etc, and vice versa.

Obviously depends on when financial situation and how much savings she has.

On the face of it I don't think it's necessarily a breach of trust, but it could be.

The debt he built up could be £1000 accumulated on a credit card which never threatened his ability to pay household bills or financial stability. In that case I think YABU but maybe you've had your financial stability taken away before so it's something which triggers you.

On the other hand it could be a bigger debt or issue which did threatened your financial stability, changed the dynamic of your relationship because you had to take on more of a parent role and fix things, and you've still got trauma from that. He might have a compulsive spending habit. In which case you are not being unreasonable at all and you'll probably never be able to trust him.

I can see why your DH massaged the price downwards, especially if your disapproval is evident. I rarely buy expensive items, but on the odd occasion that I do, I tend to massage the price down when (if) I tell DH. I shouldn’t need to; we have separate finances and my purchase is funded from my Vinted proceeds and share dividends. No impact on family finances. He has an expensive hobby, and spends an inordinate amount of money on the trappings of said hobby.

I totally get why you’re annoyed.
He’s lied to you. Getting into debt buying Pokemon shit is ridiculous and shows his money management to be poor.
Although this is “his” money to spend, how confident are you that he hasn’t got other debt he’s concealing from you?
He may be unable to pay his half of the bills if he gets into further debt do the burden would fall on you.
He’s behaved badly and I’d struggle to trust him.

He lied because he took the path of least resistance and couldn’t be arsed getting shit off you about it

Just to say Pokémon / trading cards is a very lucrative business - there was a discussion on radio 4 today about it. So it's not a childish hobby.

But it seems a bit short sighted for him to be spending money like this when you are out of work and using up your savings .

Why are you unemployed? TBH it’s his money to do as he wishes but I agree it’s unfair he lied to you about the cost instead of coming clean. Are you sure you can afford the holiday and not go into more debt?

I would consider living off savings to be money worries tbh

I have to say I agree with this . Like 250 pounds is enough for a lovely weekend away somewhere . I mean technically it is up to him what he spends his money on but a grown man spending 250 pounds on Pokémon paraphernalia is borderline creepy if you ask me.

Yes that’s correct? I don’t understand your point.