Ex refusing to get a car?

Cardilemma5 · 2026-04-14T15:55:44+00:00

So background is me and my ex have a very different sort of co-parenting situation, I wont go into details but we basically spend alot of time together with our child but we dont live together. Ex had a work vehicle that he was allowed to use for personal use but recently due to a job change he now has a company vehicle that he is strictly not allowed to use for any personal use. Because he has always had a work vehicle we do all of our travel together like days out etc in my car which has always been fine although annoys me from time to time as he never contributes petrol and obviously all wear & tear is my responsibility. Ex has declared he wont be getting a car for personal use as he cant afford it (I understand he is low income as am I but a car is a necessity for school/work/clubs and what not) AIBU to be annoyed that all responsibility falls to me if he doesn't have a vehicle he can use outside of him working? He cant pick our child up from school in an emergency if needed, he cant take her to any clubs (he doesn't anyway but if it was ever needed he wont be able to) It's annoyed me that he wont even consider getting a car but maybe im unreasonable here?

NerrSnerr · 14/04/2026 16:59

There isn’t anything you can do. I understand you haven’t gone into details but i suppose he doesn’t have the child alone for overnights and weekends so feels he doesn’t have to drive them anywhere? I suspect if the waters are muddied with an informal arrangements he won’t feel he has to do any of the school runs or activities? Obviously I might be wrong but that’s my guess.

Vconcerned1 · 14/04/2026 16:59

I said yabu because he could still collect your child from school/clubs using public transport... He doesn't need a car. They are a luxury. It's an inconvenience and will make logistics much harder, but it isn't a necessity.

purpleme12 · 14/04/2026 17:08

Is a car really a necessity? Or just something that makes it easier to get places quicker?

I don't drive. I can get to school in an emergency. Naturally it's going to take a bit longer to get places if you use the bus/train but you factor that in and accept it. Or walk if it's walkable. We walk to all of our after school activities.

Arlanymor · 14/04/2026 17:14

If he can't afford it, he can't afford it - I imagine he doesn't want to get into debt if he can avoid it, which to be honest is fair enough, particularly with the cost of living and fuel costs rising. I know parents who don't drive and they still manage to get their children to/from schools and clubs, it definitely can be done. More of a struggle if you live very rurally, but as I said it definitely can be done.

Also lots of families who do all live together only have one car and it has to be prioritised for the person who needs to travel to/from/with work, so again often the main caregiver doesn't have access to a car which means they need to find alternative ways to get their children to various places.

Unless I am missing something glaring whereby a car IS essential due to your parenting arrangements, I think it's far more responsible NOT to get a vehicle when it's beyond your financial means.

cinnamonda · 14/04/2026 17:16

He can always get a taxi or rent a zipcar for the day/ for the activity.

Sirzy · 14/04/2026 17:23

There are ways to do things without a car. I would hate to not have one but it’s not essential you just find ways around it.

Original poster

Cardilemma5 · 14/04/2026 17:29

NerrSnerr · 14/04/2026 16:59

There isn’t anything you can do. I understand you haven’t gone into details but i suppose he doesn’t have the child alone for overnights and weekends so feels he doesn’t have to drive them anywhere? I suspect if the waters are muddied with an informal arrangements he won’t feel he has to do any of the school runs or activities? Obviously I might be wrong but that’s my guess.

Sorry I just didn't go into detail so that it didnt become a massive opening thread.
He doesn't have her overnight on his own, she does stay there but I also stay over. He also only has to do one school run a week and he can walk so thats fine, but he cannot do any of the activities which he generally doesn't do but there has been very odd occasion where I've not had a car if its in for repair or MOT or whatever and hes taken her.
He's not exactly worlds best dad hence why we are not together but now the minimal effort he gives will be even less cause he cant meet us to do things or spend time with her unless im there.

OP posts:

purpleme12 · 14/04/2026 17:32

Why can't he?
You can get to places in other ways

Original poster

Cardilemma5 · 14/04/2026 17:34

Vconcerned1 · 14/04/2026 16:59

I said yabu because he could still collect your child from school/clubs using public transport... He doesn't need a car. They are a luxury. It's an inconvenience and will make logistics much harder, but it isn't a necessity.

He wouldnt use public transport

OP posts:

purpleme12 · 14/04/2026 17:35

So it's not a case of a car being essential then...
It's a case of he won't now he's not got a car....

Original poster

Cardilemma5 · 14/04/2026 17:39

purpleme12 · 14/04/2026 17:08

Is a car really a necessity? Or just something that makes it easier to get places quicker?

I don't drive. I can get to school in an emergency. Naturally it's going to take a bit longer to get places if you use the bus/train but you factor that in and accept it. Or walk if it's walkable. We walk to all of our after school activities.

We live in a small village with rubbish public transport so it is a necessity for clubs i completely understand these are optional but they are a commitment and ex will get annoyed if she doesn't attend them but getting her to and from them is completely my responsibility in his eyes.

OP posts:

EmbarrassmentLovesCompany · 14/04/2026 17:40

Of course he can collect from school.
Sufficient public transport exists in some areas. Taxis in most.
And there is always walking.

purpleme12 · 14/04/2026 17:42

Can't you walk to the activities

If public transport isn't ideal ok it's not ideal but that doesn't mean it's not doable either.... But that means someone's got to be willing to do it...

In my experience people who drive are less likely to walk longer distances to get to places because they're used to driving. And less likely to go on buses/trains if they don't have a car available because it takes more effort/time and less convenient compared to what they're used to.

Hippyhops · 14/04/2026 17:47

My sisters partner scrapped his car last year, he said he just could not afford it hes being getting public transport since. Hes still getting to work and back, still sees his son etc.

Not everyone wants needs or can afford a car.
And its none of your beeswax what he dose or chose to do.

RandomMess · 14/04/2026 17:48

It all sounds way too enmeshed, why do you care what he thinks?

It’s your choice to involve him or not. I assume there is some benefit to you to have him involved the way he is.

Starting charging him for fuel as you can’t afford it?

bumptybum · 14/04/2026 17:48

Cardilemma5 · 14/04/2026 17:34

He wouldnt use public transport

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So what’s his plan for weekends or whenever he isn’t working? How will he get to where he needs to get to if he won’t use public transport?

Hippyhops · 14/04/2026 17:49

bumptybum · 14/04/2026 17:48

So what’s his plan for weekends or whenever he isn’t working? How will he get to where he needs to get to if he won’t use public transport?

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Walk it or bike it.

Original poster

Cardilemma5 · 14/04/2026 17:52

Arlanymor · 14/04/2026 17:14

If he can't afford it, he can't afford it - I imagine he doesn't want to get into debt if he can avoid it, which to be honest is fair enough, particularly with the cost of living and fuel costs rising. I know parents who don't drive and they still manage to get their children to/from schools and clubs, it definitely can be done. More of a struggle if you live very rurally, but as I said it definitely can be done.

Also lots of families who do all live together only have one car and it has to be prioritised for the person who needs to travel to/from/with work, so again often the main caregiver doesn't have access to a car which means they need to find alternative ways to get their children to various places.

Unless I am missing something glaring whereby a car IS essential due to your parenting arrangements, I think it's far more responsible NOT to get a vehicle when it's beyond your financial means.

Which i completely understand, as I say I am low income too and im struggling with costs but a car is something I have to prioritise, its more the fact he wont look into it at all, aibu to just expect him to look into it and if its completely out of his budget then we will have to muddle along somehow. I know he has money in savings as we had an unrelated conversation a while ago so whilst I am absolutely not insinuating that he spends all his savings on a car i can't understand why he wont even have a conversation about it.
He is more than happy for me to drive him around and as I say makes no contributions to my car costs.

OP posts:

MrsMoastyToasty · 14/04/2026 17:54

Stop facilitating things for him. It's not your problem.

Original poster

Cardilemma5 · 14/04/2026 17:55

bumptybum · 14/04/2026 17:48

So what’s his plan for weekends or whenever he isn’t working? How will he get to where he needs to get to if he won’t use public transport?

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He just doesn't go anywhere that he cant walk or bike to anymore. We go shopping/days out etc all in my car

OP posts:

Coconutter24 · 14/04/2026 17:58

Cardilemma5 · 14/04/2026 17:34

He wouldnt use public transport

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That is his choice, that doesn’t mean you have to facilitate everything

Arlanymor · 14/04/2026 18:01

It's for him to decide if he wants to spend his savings on a car - that's just his choice and he is entitled to make. Also again, in the current climate plenty of people are prioritising spending over saving.

What is for you to decide is whether you want to enable this choice or not by not enforcing a rule that he pays you for fuel. I think you should - I think since the separation he should have been paying half petrol costs for journeys you have done together.

Original poster

Cardilemma5 · 14/04/2026 18:02

purpleme12 · 14/04/2026 17:42

Can't you walk to the activities

If public transport isn't ideal ok it's not ideal but that doesn't mean it's not doable either.... But that means someone's got to be willing to do it...

In my experience people who drive are less likely to walk longer distances to get to places because they're used to driving. And less likely to go on buses/trains if they don't have a car available because it takes more effort/time and less convenient compared to what they're used to.

Unfortunately our activities are too far to walk and public transport would not get me there on time (I have looked before as there were a couple weeks i had no car a while back)
I have always facilitated getting her to and from activities so that isn't the main issue as he is normally at work but if we ever cant get there he will complain were wasting money on clubs but absolutely refuse to discuss that if he got a car he could help...

OP posts:

GreenCandleWax · 14/04/2026 18:02

Cardilemma5 · 14/04/2026 17:29

Sorry I just didn't go into detail so that it didnt become a massive opening thread.
He doesn't have her overnight on his own, she does stay there but I also stay over. He also only has to do one school run a week and he can walk so thats fine, but he cannot do any of the activities which he generally doesn't do but there has been very odd occasion where I've not had a car if its in for repair or MOT or whatever and hes taken her.
He's not exactly worlds best dad hence why we are not together but now the minimal effort he gives will be even less cause he cant meet us to do things or spend time with her unless im there.

Show quote history

Why do you have to be there - he can get public transport or taxi to yours to see her, and take her out? Are you sure this is not because you don't want him to see her on his own? If that's not it, or even if it is, can you make it clear that he needs to step up and keep up his relationship with DD on his own initiative, whether or not you are there to facilitate it?💗

purpleme12 · 14/04/2026 18:03

If you're saying you're happy to facilitate her going to the clubs yourself but talking about hypothetical times you might not be able to get there, it must be rare that this happens. So you just miss a week then 🤷‍♀️