Ex refusing to get a car?

[Cardilemma5]

So background is me and my ex have a very different sort of co-parenting situation, I wont go into details but we basically spend alot of time together with our child but we dont live together.

Ex had a work vehicle that he was allowed to use for personal use but recently due to a job change he now has a company vehicle that he is strictly not allowed to use for any personal use.
Because he has always had a work vehicle we do all of our travel together like days out etc in my car which has always been fine although annoys me from time to time as he never contributes petrol and obviously all wear & tear is my responsibility.

Ex has declared he wont be getting a car for personal use as he cant afford it (I understand he is low income as am I but a car is a necessity for school/work/clubs and what not)
AIBU to be annoyed that all responsibility falls to me if he doesn't have a vehicle he can use outside of him working? He cant pick our child up from school in an emergency if needed, he cant take her to any clubs (he doesn't anyway but if it was ever needed he wont be able to)
It's annoyed me that he wont even consider getting a car but maybe im unreasonable here?

He’s an ex? Why are you taking him to the shops and on days out? Especially since he won’t buy a car.

As he’s an ex, you don’t get a vote on whether or not he buys a car. At the same time, as an ex, it is not your responsibility to ferry him to the shops and days out. Let him experience some of the discomfort of what life is like without a personal car and without Catilemma’s Free Taxi Service. Yes, drive DC to clubs, but don’t drive the ex.

You sound very bothered and very involved with your ex Which just doesn’t make any sense to me I’m afraid And he’s probably confusing as hell for your daughter as well.

You’d be far better off I’m sure just having sex days that you each have your child and leave him to his own devices on those days. He’ll soon decide whether a car is worth it for activities and school run, but if he doesn’t, that’s his choice on his days.

If the reason you Won’t leave your child alone with her father is something more sinister, than you are being utterly unreasonable for facilitating a relationship. (Sorry if I’ve got the wrong end of the stick, but it is a very unusual situation you’re describing)

It’s up to him whether he gets a car, and if he can’t afford it, then he can’t afford it. Just like it is up to you whether you ferry him around and do everything together even though you are not together. Does he pay maintenance? Have you asked him for a contribution towards fuel for days out etc.?

This sounds like a total PITA, OP.
Whose decision was it to split? It sounds like he's trying to keep you locked into his life more than an ex should be.

Zipcar is long gone. It doesn’t exist in the U.K.

He needs to do his parenting alone without you. So that means getting your DD to and from the houses, taking her out, taking her to school on his days.

do not give him anymore lifts ever again and he is not to go out with you. He does that with his dd alone, he then may decide he does need to save up for a car, budget for a taxi or whatever.

The whole situation sounds incredibly odd and probably very confusing for your poor child stuck in the middle of two parents who are not together but appear to spend more time together than many couples.

Forget the car, forget worrying about his shopping, transport and life and step away from the situation entirely. Do your daughter a favour and model healthy boundaries.

I would stop seeing him so much and certainly don’t go on days out with him or sleep over at his house! He sounds like a lazy parent and I would want to spend as little time as possible with him.

Yea, he’s annoying, no you can’t make him get a car. Yes you can stop driving him anywhere and yes you can stop the clubs if you don’t want to do the driving for them.

Why is this all this “we” you aren’t a couple.

Which is fine by me (although annoying cause my daughter loves her clubs) my point is this did happen a few weeks or couple months ago now so we missed it as ex cannot drive her. He then complained she missed it because its wasting the money we pay for the club but I had no way of getting her there.

So tell him where to go, if that's the problem

I get how odd it is to other people but its how it works for us 🤣
We were friends for a long time before our daughter and we still are, clearly were better off as friends than a couple. Our daughter is far happier in this situation than she was when we lived together.
He is my ex but our lives are very much enmeshed like a couple so while it may seem like none of my business, we discuss and make decisions together and the fact that he won't discuss it is frustrating.

I think you need to take a step back. You are not a couple any more. It is not your job to take him out for the day with you if he doesn't contribute. You don't need to stay at his overnight - if he can't cope he doesn't have her. Why is he complaining if he isn't able to get her to the activities? You say 'we' a lot. How long have you been separated?

I really don't think this is working for anyone, least of all your daughter. Being so enmeshed and acting like a couple is the reason for all these issues.

But it isn't working is it? Or you wouldn't be posting on here?

He doesn't need to solve this car issue whilst you pick up his slack though.... Dd could also get a bike...

Unfortunately you are right, he is a lazy parent and I suppose I do alot of what I do because otherwise he would get out of parenting so much and I want him to spend time with his daughter.
It's been a few months now that he hasnt been able to use his car and its been like well you'll have to pick me up or I cant do that, or if you want to go there you'll have to take me. I have to bring our daughter to him so he can take her to visit his family whereas before he could pick her up and id get a rare hour to myself. I just know the longer it goes on the more it will drive me mad.

So stop it then

No i know it isn't my job, I just do it because it makes our daughter happy to have these days out together I suppose. And if he didnt come with us he wouldnt have any days out with her as firstly he is crap and has probably never instigated a day out and secondly he now can't as he has no way of taking her.

Honestly if he's a shit parent the sooner she learns that the better. He's not suddenly not a shit parent just because you run around making him look better. You're not his wife or his partner or his dogsbody. You need to start living your life just you and her and remember it's not your job.

It was mine, he didnt want to split and to be honest thats kind of why we are in the situation we have, as we split with a view of probably getting back together which is why we are in each other lives in the way that we are, however I know I couldnt go back to living with him so we havent got back together in that sense.

Well let him be crap, then. Just parent your child the way you choose to on your own time and accept that you can’t expect to rely on him for basic parental duties. And accept that your enmeshed co parenting plan doesn’t work.

I don't think him having a car or not really makes a difference. Even when he had a car he still wouldn't do the driving on your days out and he wouldn't take your child to any clubs. If there was an emergency he could still take your child to school or clubs. He could rent a car, borrow neighbours, take public transportation, take a taxi, ask a friend, cycle, ask special permission from work to use the car etc. Like any fsmily without a car or with one car. I don't really understand why you're so worked up about a hypothetical when he isn't likely to do it even at the best circumstances.

Ok well I guess if you want to do it this way then you have to accept this is how he's like

My child's dad would never do half the things I do with her. And doesn't. I can't change that. But there have been times he's taken her on days out still just rarely - if for example you stopped taking him with you, then maybe one day in the future he would actually decide to go on days out with her himself. But he's got no reason to really while you're doing it has he.

And are you truly saying that there's no way at all to go on a day out without a car? Are you sure it's not just not effort for someone who's used to having a car?

Sounds like a form of weaponised incompetence to me. Doesn’t get a car=you have to do more of the lifting