Ex refusing to get a car?

[Cardilemma5]

So background is me and my ex have a very different sort of co-parenting situation, I wont go into details but we basically spend alot of time together with our child but we dont live together.

Ex had a work vehicle that he was allowed to use for personal use but recently due to a job change he now has a company vehicle that he is strictly not allowed to use for any personal use.
Because he has always had a work vehicle we do all of our travel together like days out etc in my car which has always been fine although annoys me from time to time as he never contributes petrol and obviously all wear & tear is my responsibility.

Ex has declared he wont be getting a car for personal use as he cant afford it (I understand he is low income as am I but a car is a necessity for school/work/clubs and what not)
AIBU to be annoyed that all responsibility falls to me if he doesn't have a vehicle he can use outside of him working? He cant pick our child up from school in an emergency if needed, he cant take her to any clubs (he doesn't anyway but if it was ever needed he wont be able to)
It's annoyed me that he wont even consider getting a car but maybe im unreasonable here?

But how long will you do this for?
Honestly I think you need to accept the same thing I struggled with for a long time - he will only have the relationship with his daughter that he wants. It doesn't matter how much you do for him or try and make him do, in the end the outcome will be the same. If he won't prioritise her then he won't have a good relationship with her. And you have to take a step back and let that happen. Honestly, the younger she is the better, as she won't know any different.

I would say though that a parent can still be a 'lazy' parent and still have a good relationship with the child

That sounds like the worst of both worlds for you!

Do you benefit at all from this arrangement?

His refusing to sort transport is MAXIMUM weaponised incompetence to exert control.

I would hurry up that decision to either get back together or split properly so he can start fending for himself.

It's only unreasonable if he is claiming he cannot afford it and is spending large amounts of money on other things. Expensive holidays for example.

This ^

You need to separate properly. It’s not healthy it’s so enmeshed.

You could still do some stuff together but at the moment all the lines are blurred.

He should be paying maintenance, then no more him having an opinion on what you spend your money on.

When he gets a new girlfriend I think your situation could be significantly compromised!

Unless you are breast feeding why not loosen the apron strings and let her stay with him on a weekend?

Surely he doesn’t need your constant supervision?

This.
Why would be buy a car when he has you to chauffeur him around for free?

There’s nothing to stop you having a friendly co-parenting relationship and going on the occasional day out together, but your description of the relationship doesn’t sound healthy at all. You need to separate your lives. He’ll never figure out his own transport arrangements (or behave like an independent grown up parent) if you’re his chauffeur. Take your daughter to her clubs, go on some days out with him, but don’t stay at his house, don’t ferry him about, don’t be responsible for his travel to his family or doing his shopping. Ensure he has the opportunity to see his daughter, but don’t be responsible for making him spend time with her. You can have an amicable co-parenting relationship and have your own independent lives. It’s already annoying you, it won’t get better.

I guess that was a poor example of the point im trying to say, yes there are only a handful of times he would ever need to take her to a club and I just accept she will miss it but when I tried to discuss if he was going to consider a car I used that as an example and he was just like well its not my responsibility. The fact he will complain she has missed a club but him finding a way to get her there if hes so bothered is out of the question.

It's more the day to day stuff, like I am having to wait around until he's ready instead of meeting him places. He can't come to mine as much as he was so I am having to go to his much more. It sounds petty to write it out but its costing me more and as I say he doesn't give any money to me for petrol costs.

At the end of the day like many have said people cope without cars and most likely we are going to have to muddle along with this change but the fact he doesn't want to discuss it and just thinks every potential journey I have to make for our daughter is now my responsibility is what annoys me.

If I stop our arrangement completely he will demand I drop her off and pick her up so he can see her instead but perhaps thats preferable to what we have now.

I honestly don’t think you are doing your daughter a favour long term to facilitate a relationship with a father who basically can’t be arsed. Yes it means she won’t see him / will see him much less but at least she will be surrounded by people who love her and put her first which is better for her sense of worth in the long run. I’d stop facilitating him. Just stop. If he wants to see his daughter he knows where she is. Tell him to communicate when he will pick her up and when he will return her. Other than that you don’t need to see or hear from him.

In an emergency he’d get a taxi surely with the money he saves by not having a car he should save up an emergency pot

Cross posted with this:

“If I stop our arrangement completely he will demand I drop her off and pick her up so he can see her instead but perhaps thats preferable to what we have now.”

He can demand what he wants. The answer is no. If that means he doesn’t see her - that is his choice and not your responsibility

If I stop our arrangement completely he will demand I drop her off and pick her up so he can see her instead but perhaps thats preferable to what we have now.

If you stop the arrangement and he moans then honestly tough shit. So what? You are not his servant you don't have to do anything no matter what he demands. The fact you think you do shows just how odd your current co parenting relationship is.

I would be insisting he pays for the petrol or he doesn’t go. You’re being walked all over here.

And as for him not being willing to use public transport - why can’t he? I often use the bus if parking will be too expensive.

You said you are friends but he's not treating you like a friend. I think you should formalise the custody arrangements including child maintenance and get some distance from him. Otherwise who knows how long he'll have you running around after him. I get that you want the best for your daughter including a good relationship with him, but you can't force this man to be a good father.

How do you see this playing out when he gets a new girlfriend?

Let him be the parent he can be within the patameters he sets himself. Some of these are geographical. You can't parent for him. Let him work out how to do it, or not. You can't force him to step up.

Why are you driving him around, and staying over? It's all so weird and unhealthy. Are you spying on him? Is he making sure you're not able to shag anyone else?

If he needs a shop in for when DD stays over, for example, you realise that is not your responsibility?

Stop hanging out in each other's houses.

He needs to pay you maintenance too.

Youre going to have to learn to say no. If he complains about DD missing a club occasionally but he’s not willing to take her to them, ignore him. If he wants DD to see his family, you don’t have to be the taxi service. He can arrange it himself by getting a cab, asking a family member to drive or any other means. You don’t have to facilitate his life. You can tell him he’ll need to contribute to petrol and car maintenance if he wants lifts from you, but that doesn’t mean he gets a lift every time he wants one.
If he’s not inconvenienced, there’s no reason for him to get a car.
I suspect that you feel guilty because you are the one who initiated the separation, but tbh it looks as if you had good reason to do so. You don’t have to compensate him.

It sounds like he has you under some kind of control.

So you want to get back with him?

If not, cut the cord.

Imo you are conning dd into thinking she has a good df!! When she is older and the penny drops she may be fuming with you!!

Simple solution, if you do all the driving he pays half the costs. Put that option to him.
Also, re the company car, I've never known a company state they can't be used for personal use, usually personal mileage is calculated and deducted from wages

There is no village in the UK that a healthy adult can't walk to any location within that village. He doesn't get to dictate where YOU have to take your child. Stop the clubs unless he steps up.

He has discussed it and the answer was he can't afford it

He facilitates visits with his family—not you. Not your problem if he refuses to buy a car. Train/taxi/Granny drives. Not your concern, OP.

He doesn’t get to “demand” anything. He facilitates his visits with his own child, just like every other parent up and down the country. And if he refuses to see her, that’s reflected in the child maintenance, as you will have her 100% of the time. Time to set some boundaries, OP. He