to think some women feel entitled to free childcare from their DM/MILs just because they had help themselves?

[timetoban]

I’ve noticed this more and more lately on MN. Some women seem to assume that because their own mum/MIL head help with childcare that they’re now automatically owed the same from their DM or MIL. Why?

Just because one generation chose (or was able) to help doesn’t mean the next one is obliged to step in. Circumstances are completely different now. A lot of grandmothers are still working, have their own lives, health issues or don’t want to be tied into regular childcare. That should be allowed without guilt, expectations or criticism.

What bothers me is the expectation. I've seen people get annoyed or even fall out with their DM/MIL for not doing regular pick-ups and committing to regular childcare.

There is also a double standard. The pressure seems to fall much more on grandmothers than grandfathers. Even if a grandfather is retired and not working, the expectation is not there or much less for him.

Of course, if grandparents want to help and everyone’s happy with the arrangement, that’s great. I am not talking about those situations.

Also I know it is not ALL women.

I was fortunate enough to have help from DM with childcare. However, she was a SAHM from when my elder sibling was born. She'd had a few decades entirely free of any responsibilities before helping out a couple of days a week, all in the enviromnent of secure financial comfort due to final salary pensions and buying properties for peanuts.

I've been working since 16, and will need to continue working full time til 67. I won't really have the financial buffer to stop work before then. And I think that maybe after 51 years working, I might need a break, rather than stepping straight into providing childcare. That said, I'm sure I'll want to help out where I can with babysitting etc.

Basically, the demands on my time have been many, many times more than they were on my DM, and I simply won't have the priviledge of financial capacity and the free time that she had available to her.

Posters on this thread have said that very thing. Or at least 'if they don't do childcare, they can't expect us to give up weekend time for them to see them instead'

Ha. In our family Nana B, who they visit once a month or so for fun trips and chocolate is greeted with delight. I get the grunts at school pick up and told "I don't like you nanny" when I say its nearly dinner time, so you're not having chocolate.
But I'm not bitter....😂

I was responsible for taking my little brother to school, right from his first day. He was barely five, and I was nine. It was a 25 minute walk, and he was a terror and kept running off. And I was a latchkey kid at the same time (I think one of my mum's friends picked him up with hers).

I must have missed those posters.

What I have seen is people saying when there are only 8 weekend days per month and families have clubs, want family time, another set of in-laws and friends to see, you can’t complain that you only see the grandparents once a month or not as much as Brenda sees hers when Brenda is picking the kids up every week from school.

I don’t think that’s a punishment, just a realistic description of busy weekends. I don’t think they’re spending weekends with the grandparents who are doing childcare either!
We’ve got swimming lessons, birthday parties, we need to go and buy new school shoes or whatever, plus DH and I need to do the housework, and get some downtime. We don’t have endless weekend time for any grandparent, childcare or otherwise.

So glad im child free by choice if thats the attitude.

It is like the men do not exist.

I think the der generation had it much harder, here in Ireland anyway.
They had bigger families, maybe no phone, very isolated.
I would nothave liked to be rearing kids 40 or 50 years ago