to think some women feel entitled to free childcare from their DM/MILs just because they had help themselves?

[timetoban]

I’ve noticed this more and more lately on MN. Some women seem to assume that because their own mum/MIL head help with childcare that they’re now automatically owed the same from their DM or MIL. Why?

Just because one generation chose (or was able) to help doesn’t mean the next one is obliged to step in. Circumstances are completely different now. A lot of grandmothers are still working, have their own lives, health issues or don’t want to be tied into regular childcare. That should be allowed without guilt, expectations or criticism.

What bothers me is the expectation. I've seen people get annoyed or even fall out with their DM/MIL for not doing regular pick-ups and committing to regular childcare.

There is also a double standard. The pressure seems to fall much more on grandmothers than grandfathers. Even if a grandfather is retired and not working, the expectation is not there or much less for him.

Of course, if grandparents want to help and everyone’s happy with the arrangement, that’s great. I am not talking about those situations.

Also I know it is not ALL women.

While the men stay uninvolved because they don't benefit from the lovely flexible free childcare.

Yes because it should be on women to offer support to their DC not the men.

This exactly. ‘We haven’t seen little Timmy for weeks, my neighbour Mandy gets to see her grandchildren all the time, my GC barely know who I am’!

Well, Mandy looks after her Grandchildren so she’s going to see them more regularly! It’s frustrating when GPs expect a close relationship without putting in any effort.

to think some women feel entitled to free childcare from their DM/MILs just because they had help themselves?

The question you asked was specifically about women.

Why does what other people choose to do in their own families bother you? All parties in the arrangement are adults and can decide for themselves.

A lot go part time because of caring responsibilities.

Even if they didn't, should their time be loaded up with childcare as they more free time? Funny how this does not apply to the men who go part time or even retire.

Yes because it is transactional - do childcare then have relationship with GC.

It is impossible for GC and GPs to be close without childcare.

I also mentioned this:

There is also a double standard. The pressure seems to fall much more on grandmothers than grandfathers. Even if a grandfather is retired and not working, the expectation is not there or much less for him.

Maybe that is your experience. My own Dad is pressured by my sister to do all school drop offs and pick ups for my nieces as he is older than my mum and retired whereas Mum still works full time.

No, it’s the reality of free time. If you do childcare then you will be seeing that child regularly. If you don’t want to do childcare then you are going to see the children as part of their family unit- with most parents working that leaves 8 weekend days a month of free time to see 2 sets of grandparents, friends, family and do various clubs or activities.

It isn’t transactional to say if you only want to see the kids on one of the 8 free days you will likely see them less than the grandparent who has committed to one day a week childcare.

It’s just a fact that if you do childcare, the relationship will probably be closer.

We are very lucky that my in laws do 2 days a week of childcare for my youngest (and did 1 day a week for my eldest before she started school). We didn’t ask for or expect this, they offered.
My parents moved 6 hrs away a couple of years ago (totally fine of course), but now whinge that my DC aren’t as close to them as they are to my in laws. Even when they lived nearer, they weren’t going to spend two full days with our DC, and without us, every week. So obviously the relationship will be different. That’s not because I’m transactional, or trying to punish them with “well if you won’t do childcare you won’t have as close a relationship”. Any loving grandparent who spends two days a week with a toddler is going to have a closer relationship than a loving grandparent who sees them once every couple of months.

I don’t think anyone should feel entitled to childcare. And no grandparents should be pressured into it. But I could do without my mother whining about the relationship.

I don’t expect ‘help’ as such (my parents have never had my children overnight or even for a day) but I do expect consistency and genuine interest. If you only check in with your grandkids once a month—often to point out that you haven’t seen them, despite it being your first attempt to arrange something in weeks—and only after everything else in your social calendar, then it’s hard to prioritise that relationship or build a meaningful bond.
I’ll make plans that work best for my children, matching the same level of effort. Sometimes that means choosing something they genuinely enjoy rather than visiting out of obligation. It adds another layer of complexity when your children are neurodivergent and there isn’t a willingness to meet them halfway—such as choosing an environment they feel comfortable in.
Relationships go both ways, and effort matters.

It’s not just about free time like it’s some neat little calculation. The grandparent doing childcare isn’t just seeing the child more, they’re doing a job. Of course they’ll end up seeing the child more because they’re there every week helping out. That doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is better.

I also don’t think you can say it isn’t transactional. Maybe not in a harsh way, but there is a link between what you give and how much access you get. If one grandparent (probably grandmother) is doing a full day every week, they’re obviously going to be prioritised because they’re making life easier for the parents.

Not everyone can or wants to commit to weekly childcare. That doesn’t mean they don’t care. It is unfair to say well if you don’t do childcare then you just have to accept seeing them less.

I think it’s weird to not want to help your children and grandchildren out tbh, within reason of course. Also, how many grandparents will look to their children and grandchildren in years to come when they suddenly and inevitably require care…?

Grandparents who don’t help with childcare will inevitably see the grandchildren less though? I’m confused how you think they won’t? My Nan looked after us two days a week growing up, that meant she saw us 2 days per week plus probably one weekend day a month. If she hadn’t looked after us 2 days per week then she would have seen us only on that 1 weekend day a month… grandparents can’t have it both ways ‘we won’t offer help but we want to see the children 8 times a month’. If both parents work full time they have around 8 full days of family time, they have to split those days between spending time as a family, seeing two sets of grandparents, seeing friends, doing kids activities etc etc etc

In my culture, it's not that way inclined. Especially where grandparents are still a couple. My grandad retired before my grandmother so he was the one who was initially looking after us grandkids and his MIL while his wife worked. Then she retired so they both did it.

At the very least child doesn’t see it as transactional or a favour. They see one grandparent that they see regularly, feeds them, plays with them, engages with them and that builds a degree of trust and devotion that one or two days a month visit with supervised by their parents will never generate.

By all means don’t look after your grandchildren if you don’t want to, but don’t blame the lack of relationship on the parents being transactional of sexism. Own it yourself.

It is the grandmothers who are mostly helping out not the grandfathers.

Its unfair to say well if you don’t do childcare then you just have to accept seeing them less

Is it unfair, or is it just a fact of time not being infinite? My parents cannot spend as much time with my children as my in laws do, because my in laws do 2 days a week of childcare.
It’s nothing to do with me prioritising my in laws over my parents.

I think many of us are actually recalling spending large chunks of our childhoods with our Greatest Generation and Silent Generation grandparents, and comparing our relationships with them to our children’s with their Baby Boomer grandparents.

I have seen the opposite. My MiL freely admits that she dumped her son on her mother all the time but told us in no uncertain terms was she providing child care and my Mum said she didn't have any help so why should we. Probably good we chose not to have children. If they ever complain about not getting grandchildren I can throw this back at them.

You can't expect to see them the same amount as someone providing childcare. That really is simple maths. The Grandparent isn't free in that time and the parent is at work, so if the DC doesn't go to the grandparent they go elsewhere. A parent cannot create extra days in their week to visit their parent.

And isn't that what the grandparent wants anyway? Seeing less doesn't necessarily = rubbish relationship. My parents don't offer my DC regular childcare. But they carve out time and effort for my DC so they have lovely relationships with my them.

What does that have to do with what I said?

While the men have no involvement......

I disagree. My parents did daily child care for us, my PILs only ever did “fun babysitting”.

When they were little my parents had to be stricter with them as they were effectively in loco parentis whereas my PILs would let them swing from the chandeliers and stuff them full of sweeties guilt free as they were only behaving as grandparents.

The relationship now the kids are adults aren’t inherently different from the kids point of view.

Interestingly my parents were the “fun grandparents” for their other grandchildren as they didn’t do childcare for them due to distance.

They still treat the grandchildren differently, expecting more from
my DC than from my niblings