AIBU for giving my stepson shop money so he was not left out

[EmptyTheFrickingBins]

I took my two boys to a small local museum today, along with my step son (partner's child). They're 10, 6 and 6 (step son).

It has a small shop that sells pocket money bits like pens, colouring, books and small toys. I always let my boys pick a couple of bits up (usually a book each).

I have the five pounds each and realised as I did it that my step son didn't have any money so gave him five pounds too. His dad was supposed to give him his pocket money but hadn't and I couldn't leave him out.

They all picked a little treat each and we came home.

DSS's mum is furious with me for giving him money. She is very against buying "tat" and said it wasn't my place to give him pocket money.

Aibu to think you can't leave one child out?

You did the right thing OP and the mum sounds like a loon. Who probably would have complained if you hadn’t given him the money.

She would have moaned if you hadn’t given him any money! Does she usually find something to nitpick about?

It's fine! If his dad had given him his pocket money as expected, he probably would have ended up buying the same things in the shop anyway. But regardless, one parent can't randomly demand that certain rules are followed when a child's with the other parent; unless something's happening that puts the child in danger it's up to the dad in this case, and he trusted you to handle things, which you did. If the mum wants shared rules across both households about how the child can spend his pocket money she has to work it out in advance with the dad, and then he can tell you. You shouldn't be in the middle.

You did the right thing, you wouldn't have left their friend out in the same situation so why would you leave SS out? Think it's safe to say whatever you did you'd have been in the wrong. Ignore and leave her to rage on her own or with friends (who will think she's being ridiculous too)

You did the right thing giving him money to spend it would’ve have been unfair to leave him out. His mum sounds like the type who would complain no matter what you did.

@EmptyTheFrickingBins I agree with PP, the mum’s a loon. Ofcourse you don’t leave a child out. Carry-on doing you!

You kept them all the same on a day out with you. Quite right. I think SS's mum needs to understand that when SS is being looked after by you or his dad in your home, you and his dad decide what is right for him to have on a day out with you. His mum can decide on 'tat' in her own contact time. If I was his mum I would be very grateful that you take a careful, sensible approach when all the children are together. Some will say that it wasn't your decision to make as not your son. I don't agree. You were in charge of him and you didn't leave him feeling left out. It's just the same if you invite a friend of your child along. You don't give your child some small treats and leave the other child out.

It was a kind thing you did op.

His dad was going to give him it anyway, so it doesn’t really make any difference who actually handed it to him.

I presume there is a backstory and this isn’t a happy blended family.

You sound like a lovely step mum! It was a gift for goodness sake. The only suggestion I would possibly make is for dss to keep anything you buy him at your house, if it's going to cause issues and he's happy with that.

How did the mum know it was your own money that you gave to your SS, maybe you have joint money with your DP For outings or your partner gave the money to you to give to his son? 6 yr olds are not the best at looking after things when out and about, including money, so it would be perfectly normal just to handover the money whilst in the shop. Unless you made a big production over handing over the money, saying it was only from you and not from his dad, and why would you do that? The only other way I guess is your DP told her, probably because she made a fuss when her son came home with a wee treat, why would he say it was you and cause bother?
Of course when you take another child out for the day, whether a SS or not, if your children are getting to choose a novelty pencil or an icecream or some other small item then you buy for the other child as well.

Bizarre and really not even up to her on what £ you give on days out. How ridiculous

She's a miserable, ungrateful twat

This is why SM’s can’t win. She’s a jealous nut.

Nutter.

I would ask if she would prefer to do the childcare. If she is available and your husband is working / unavailable then maybe it would be better if she had him and did things her way.

If dad gives pocket money anyway surely he would have bought the same tat. Makes me wonder if this is about something else?

Perhaps he has gone home excited to tell his mum about what a lovely day he had and showed her his little treat and it has hit a raw nerve?
Was she working while you were out with the boys?
My sister only worked term time and would sometimes take my children out for the day with their cousins and they loved it of course, I was thrilled for my children to have the opportunity to go to places I couldn't take them but part of me wanted to cry (and sometimes did cry!) because I wanted to take them but couldn't.
Maybe it is something like that for SS mum but she has been a knob about it instead of being grateful you took him.

What on earth is the matter with her. I would be really glad if I were her

You did nothing wrong .

How awful for a 6 year old to be at a museum with their siblings and not been given the same treats as them just because their mum feels bitter/jealous/ unhappy about whatever the situation is

She needs to let these feelings go and realise that your way is best for her son

I have a (step) neice and her mum moaned when I bought her an ice-cream along with my own kids and my biological neice and nephews .. apparently buying an ice-cream doesn't make me her family 🙄

I’d do that for any child in my care so it was equal. So a step child absolutely.

You did a lovely thing and I’m sure he appreciated it and it did far more for his sense of wellbeing and belonging than the “piece of tat” would have meant to him.

So his father 'forgot' about him and his mother is a mean spirited controlling cow. Are you sure about maintaining your association with these people?

She has an issue with you, not with tat or with someone else giving money. I’d bet that if he’d gone out with a friend and that friend’s parent had kindly given him a bit of money for the gift shop, she’d have had no issue with it. And she’d have complained if you’d left him out. She’s more interested in disliking you than in her son having a nice day.

She’s deliberately picking fault. How long have you been together?

I'm going to call it and say you couldnt do write for doing wrong here OP.

Id say she finds fault in a lot of what you do and its just about the fact

• she fucked off her useless ex is spending time with his own child
• she doesnt like you
• insert random reason.

Carry on as you are but id take a critical squint at your "DP"s role in all this.

I’m going to take a guess and say this isn’t the first (or last) time she has behaved like this!