AIBU to consider leaving my marriage over our sex life?

[Pocahontasandme]

I’m in my early 50s and my husband is in his late 60s. I know the age gap is too big but we fell in love decades ago when it didn’t seem to matter. We have 2 children in their late teens. He has suffered from erectile dysfunction for years. I’ve finally realised that he won’t recover. I’m so sad and disappointed. I feel liked I can’t blow up a marriage just because of sex when, from what I hear, sex won’t matter so much to me after the menopause. But it does now. I sometimes think I should leave once the kids move out- aibu?

It seems a bit harsh to leave him for being old and his body not working so well. Do you have other sorts of sex? Use toys etc.?

What is the rest of your relationship like? Do you love him?

You’re right. I know. And he is lovely. His hearing is going as well. I feel very cruel. I’ve never really got into sex toys. I guess I should. They don’t make me enthusiastic. I have a very unfortunate aversion to a flaccid penis. It kind of disgusts me. I really really wish it didn’t

There are other things you can do without intercourse, if he's willing.

I do love him. I also like him; I like talking to him and I enjoy his responses. His hearing going has hit me very hard. He wears a hearing aid but it never seems to work right. And then he frustrates me because he doesn’t get it fixed. He frustrates me like nobody else. He’s also terrible with money.

I seem to be very narrow minded about this. I’ve never enjoyed receiving oral sex - he would happily give it. I have this horrible reaction to his flaccid penis. That’s a disaster. I’m not into sex toys. I just want sex with his penis.

Will he take medication for ED?

Take him to get a new hearing aid if its causing that many issues.

He has taken medication. It just doesn’t work. I’ve also been instrumental in getting him new hearing aids- but there are always problems with them. It’s all very frustrating

To me, this is what you sign up for - for better, for worse. Not ‘until age puts limitations on us’. You married someone older so you should’ve factored this in, imo. You don’t just walk away.

I know you’re probably right. That’s why I’ve stayed until now. These problems have been ongoing for many years

Viagra or something, get his hearing aids fixed properly they may cost a bit for good ones, but it's worth it. Don't let him get old before his time.

Is he able to take viagra or similar ? Comes in stronger doses aswell if the lower doses aren’t helpful. GP can refer to specialists if necessary. Apols if you’ve explored all of this already.

Consider accompanying him to the respective specialists he is seeing, as he may not be as insistent/pushy to solve his issues as he should be. Hearing aids should work, and so should ED meds, unless he has underlying health conditions which must be addressed first, and should be.

I have this horrible reaction to his flaccid penis.

What do you mean by this?

It sounds as though you have some unhealthy ideas about sex.

He’s in the top does of viagra. He has tried them all, cialis etc, they don’t work. Yes I’ll go ahead and help him - again- get his hearing aid sorted

Yes I agree. I think I do. I hate receiving oral sex and I find a flaccid penis horrible. It might be a reaction to all the years of him kind of pretending he didn’t have ED. I had a previous partner who I loved very much who also had ED. That too was a disaster

The common thread here isn't ED, @Pocahontasandme

yabu.
How do you know the next person will match up to your expectations perfectly.

I’m in my 40s and younger than my DH but for health reasons sex is difficult. I’d be devastated if DH was going to leave me because of this and actually for a lot of years it was a real fear and insecurity for me. DH assures me marriage is about more than physical sex so whilst I understand your frustrations, it makes me really sad to read you are considering ending your marriage over this.

What do you mean sex toys don't make you enthusiastic? You don't actually see them when they are in use.lol. can easily be combined with him touching you to get you turned on. Even he could use a vibrator on you.

What is it? Is it frustration?

I don’t! And I’m a pretty difficult person, by all accounts

I’m sorry. And I think you’re right.

While I can orgasm from then I don’t like the plastic feel and I prefer the flesh and loveliness of real sex. I’ve never had a good sex life and I’m sad to realise I never will.

Has he tried the injection for the ED? My FIL kept going well into his eighties using that (similar age gap between him and MIL as you and your husband).

You do seem to be very narrow minded about what constitutes sex which is a bit tricky given you chose to be in a relationship with someone so much older, where it was predictable you'd end up in this situation. Have you tried any sex toys? Strap ons would seem to be the obvious choice but the overarching theme seems to be that you are fed up with him for not taking responsibility: for his ED, for his hearing problems, for money. Would you consider therapy?