AIBU to consider leaving my marriage over our sex life?

[Pocahontasandme]

I’m in my early 50s and my husband is in his late 60s. I know the age gap is too big but we fell in love decades ago when it didn’t seem to matter. We have 2 children in their late teens. He has suffered from erectile dysfunction for years. I’ve finally realised that he won’t recover. I’m so sad and disappointed. I feel liked I can’t blow up a marriage just because of sex when, from what I hear, sex won’t matter so much to me after the menopause. But it does now. I sometimes think I should leave once the kids move out- aibu?

If your husband is willing I would be pursuing specialist help for his physical problems, but perhaps you could also benefit from some
counselling or sex therapy to help address the issues you have.

I imagine the fact that you have an aversion to your husband's anatomy is not conducive to an erection.

But surely the compromise it's better than getting a divorce.

As for the hearing thing I'd be very upset if my partner ditched me for being hard of hearing, or having to repeat himself. Mind you he knows now to speak bloody clearly and look at me

I'm now curious how you know about your FIL treatment for ED. Really cannot imagine that subject cropping up at Sunday lunch

I’m twenty years younger than my DP, he’s 70, and whilst I’m fortunate in that we still have an incredibly satisfying life in the bedroom without any blue pill help I do appreciate that could go at any moment. But my love for him, our relationship, our intimacy, that won’t just disappear. I really suggest you get the hearing side of things better sorted, and focus on laughter and cuddles, if he’s still your best person. We all get old. Wouldn’t you be devastated if he left you due to your age??

You say he would happily give you oral sex. Why don't you try to enjoy that?

Give it a go. All those years of marriage and two children have to be worth trying other things that you could perhaps really come to enjoy.

As an outsider it seems like you don't really like him anymore, that he disgusts you and want to move on.

I think people are being a little harsh to you tbh, sex can be very important to people in a relationship and what works for you works for you. Would an open relationship be a consideration?

The more you write the more this is a you problem, not a DH problem.

He's happy and willing to give oral
You don't want to use toys and aren't willing to explore that
You don't like his penis unless it's erect

You're not leaving much wiggle room here!

It's you. At least I assume that's what Jacques is insinuating.

Sympathies. I also find a flaccid knob totally anti-erotic, especially when it's a regular occurrence.

I come from a medical family, as does my husband, so most topics are considered suitable for the dinner table to be honest (I do have to try hard to remember that not all families are like this!). So I suppose the ED was considered as a purely medical issue, no shame about either FIL having the ED or the to of them having sex. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to hear details of what they got up to together but good for them for keeping going for as long as possible as far as I'm concerned.

I’m so grateful my bloke wasn’t like this when my libido died.

Fair enough lol

I’ve never heard of the injection. I’ll ask about that. And I’ll try sort the hearing. But yes, I am done on a lot of levels. It’s always me pushing for solutions. He would let it all go

Sorry you are having a difficult time OP.
Sounds like you are becoming increasingly resentful which is corrosive.
I don't know what the answer is but if you want to stay married, some level of compromise would be required.
As for wishing for better sex with someone new, you are likely to get fresh sex and more problems.
You have alot to lose

I hate to say this but hearing aids don't fix hearing in say the same way glasses fix sight problems. They are imperfect solutions so I'm not sure that exhortations to get new hearing aids is helpful or will "sort" the hearing problems. And frankly I do think it is a bit unreasonable to expect somebody in their late sixties to inject their bits to have sex. I mean I wouldn't fancy it myself.

If you get divorced there’s absolutely no guarantee that you will find someone else. Cherish what you have and buy a dildo.

Surprised nobody picking up on the fact you keep saying that “you” have to get his hearing aid sorted. Is he incapable of doing this himself? It’s not your responsibility to get that sorted. He needs to take some responsibility himself, particularly if affecting his relationship.

He should have chosen someone closer to his age so they could happily grow old together.

You should have chosen someone closer to your age so your needs in your 50s would align.

You were both selfish of the other persons future needs when you committed.

How would your teenagers feel if you abandoned their ‘old’ dad?

Exactly! My mum was always saying ‘apparently you’ve got more chance of being hit by a bus than meeting someone in your 40s+’. Then we’d giggle ‘unless you lived on Coronation Street of course!’

I wouldn’t leave in your situation but you can end your relationship for any reason you wish.

He should really get his hearing aid sorted though - terrible for his brain not to hear well. Hearing loss carries an increased risk of developing dementia;

”The connection is real and well-established. Multiple large studies have found that untreated hearing loss is associated with a meaningfully higher risk of developing dementia. A major 2020 Lancet Commission report identified hearing loss as one of the single largest modifiable risk factors for dementia — accounting for roughly 8% of cases potentially attributable to it.

The risk scales with severity. Mild hearing loss roughly doubles dementia risk; moderate loss triples it; severe hearing loss can increase risk by up to five times compared to those with normal hearing.”

From Claude

@Pocahontasandme impotence may be the least of your worries!

This is exactly it. But also, to be fair, we were in love and everything seemed fabulous

I’m not sure how the kids would feel. They find him cranky. He’s kinder to me than them and they notice it.

It’sa real bone of contention that he doesn’t sort himself out. We have many fights about this . He is a frustrating person to live with

You posted in AIBU and most people are being judgmental. You sound really frustrated @Pocahontasandme , I don't just mean sexually, but really exasperated with him. I'm wondering if the sex and hearing aid issues are symptomatic of wider issues in the relationship? Has he given up in some way? You sound unhappy and I don't think having a load of people accusing you of ignoring your marriage vows or telling you the grass isn't greener, is what you need at all.

Thanks . I posted in Aibu because I wanted to get the unvarnished truth. I am very disappointed with my life. He’s a good man and loveable. But I put in much much more effort and it’s not really fair on me