AIBU to consider leaving my marriage over our sex life?

[Pocahontasandme]

I’m in my early 50s and my husband is in his late 60s. I know the age gap is too big but we fell in love decades ago when it didn’t seem to matter. We have 2 children in their late teens. He has suffered from erectile dysfunction for years. I’ve finally realised that he won’t recover. I’m so sad and disappointed. I feel liked I can’t blow up a marriage just because of sex when, from what I hear, sex won’t matter so much to me after the menopause. But it does now. I sometimes think I should leave once the kids move out- aibu?

I think it would be quite unthinkable for you to end a happy marriage for this reason - and so your strength of feeling is telling you it isn't a happy marriage.

I’m post menopausal and sex still matters to me. I’m sure there are other ways of having a happy sex life without penetration, if you’re open to it. Pardon the pun.

My husband developed erectile dysfunction due to cardiac issues explore other areas and use sex toys. Make time for each other it works if you still have love for each other. You have to work at it .

My DH has a lot of the same issues as yours. I'm the same age as you. It probably helps that I have little interest in sex anyway, but I wouldn't leave him for it. It's a medical issue and I love him for who he is. I'd be sad if he left me if I had medical issues that affected our sex life. I suggest you consider the following:
DH sees a specialist who can advise about the ED. There are options from injections to penile implants. There will be some solution, if he wants to find one.
Your DH should also consider a cochlear implant. Addressing his hearing will also help lower the risk of developing dementia. My DH is doing this.

I have the same problem except we are both 49. My DH is more open to getting help as we haven't had sex for 2 years. Joining this thread to share any advice if that's ok.

@Pocahontasandme I think you would have got a different result if you had title this thread “AIBU to consider leaving my husband for doing nothing about his decline into old age thereby accelerating me having to be his carer?”

Is that what’s happening? Also, aren’t we allowed to allow ourselves to grow old? I know he has a younger wife but his challenges are physical. If you spoke to him you would think he was much younger; lots of energy, very interested in the world, very engaged with life

You’re very welcome. My Juana has had so much help for his ed that we’ve both lost interest.

You can leave your marriage for any reason you want.
There’s no guarantees that you will meet someone else who will meet your needs but if your frustrated and unhappy and have been for a while then why are you staying?

You said your self you can be a difficult person too.
I cannot comment on the sex side of things but I’m in my late 30s and have hearing loss. Hearing aids don’t help with everything, clear communication does….do you face him
when your talking to him?
Do you talk slower and clearer rather than shouting??
Do you talk in quieter environments than loud environments?

There are many ways to make love, with or without sex toys. It’s not all about penetration.

Can't you both just discuss it?

OP you aren’t happy. Of course you don’t have to stay just because you are married. You have one life go and live it before it’s too late.

The real problem is probably his lack of proactively seeking help or communicating about it. That hurts and feels uncaring and rejecting.

Of course people are allowed to grow old, but there's growing older (which everyone is doing) and there's giving up on life. Most people still want to enjoy life as they age not just shrug and give up. You have to be careful not to give up because it won't make you feel good.

Also, if you think sex won't matter to you much after the menopause then you're in denial. For some women it doesn't, for some sex is still very, very important. I'm in my mid 50s and still want sex, ideally at least twice a week.

Is there any spark still there with your DH that you can work on to help you both feel more connected?

You sound very fed up OP x

His ED, seems the treatments aren't gonna work (that's just one of the possible/not unusual effects of hormonal changes in men as they age. From about 40yrs, you're losing about 1% of testosterone level per year - baldness and bigger tummy are other typical effects)
His hearing aids - perfectly fixable. I don't need them myself, but a lot of my friends and acquaintances do, and the technology is now amazing. Your DH really needs to be proactive on that front.
As for the sex, you've said what you want/don't like, but maybe it is time to be open to other ways of enjoying it, if you want the relationship to continue. Otherwise, it's decision time.

Oh, okay. It’s just that you don’t like him then. So divorce him!

Yes I definitely do speak clearly and facing him. The sounds coming out of his hearing aids drive me mad. A kind of high pitched sound. He isn’t pro active, he’s quite nihilistic, so I end up having to instigate everything

then stay where you are. The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

There are some great toys on the market now that don’t have that plasticky feel

You’ve answered your own question here. He’s okay with the situation, you are not. Now you have to decide if it’s a deal breaker for you.

OP - if it’s just sex then stay. There really isn’t a huge pool of eligible older singlet men out there to have sex with.

OP, he actually has a lot wrong with him.

Cranky with his children that they notice.
Huge.
He's shit with money?
Huge.
His hearing is shit and it's up to you to fix it, like most things?
Huge.
Sex which is important to you, is off the table?
Huge.

I'd be gone at the first two.
Yanbu to be rethinking the marriage because of the first two.

I'd be gone at shit with money, because that puts you in parent mode and that is completely unacceptable.

Get yourself some therapy and figure out what you want.
You have tolerated this for years.
Yanbu to want something more.

I know the age gap is too big but we fell in love decades ago when it didn’t seem to matter.

Wow. Did you never stop to think about the fact that marriage is supposed to be for life and your husband was always going to get old long before you were? How very stupid and short sighted of you.

This is about simple ED causing problems in your sex life, but it could just as well be caused by serious illness or disability through injury. It's not his fault and yet you want to punish him for it. So much for 'in sickness and in health.'

You are not being unreasonable. If you think the loss of sex is bad just wait until you're the nursemaid. You are not his age. You are under no obligation to pretend to be his age. You can be your own age and you should be. Get some sex toys. He can watch and encourage you, tell you how beautiful you are, how hot, etc., etc.

If you want to leave him, do so, but there aren't better men out there, in case that's what you think you'll find. However, there are younger men. FYI, sex still matters after menopause.

This.
Sex shouldn't really be a dealbreaker especially at your ages.If he is a nice man who treats you well, you love each other, and generally are happy in each other's company then surely that is what matters most.Too much emphasis is put on attraction and novelty with relationships nowadays, it's all very shallow.

The over 50s dating pool is not full of kind, loveable, and sexually compatible men. There are success stories but there are a lot of compromises being made.
I wouldn’t leave a loving marriage for a punt on it, personally.