AIBU to feel hurt being kept secret by close friends?

[Notsurehowtofeel3]

Just wondering if someone can help with advice (or give me a reality check if I just need to stop being so sensitive haha)

I’ve got some best friends who are from a different culture to me (I’m not going to say what for anonymous reasons). For them, they can’t be seen hanging around or being friends with women particularly with my skin colour. I don’t fully understand why but I respect everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and that’s fine. We’re all different at the end of the day and everyone is entitled to believe what they want. We’re actually really good friends though and met studying years ago and kept the friendship up. We text everyday but rarely meet up outside of professional, but when we do meet up, i basically have to be kept secret because im a girl with a different skin colour to them and they said people will talk about it if they get seen with me and basically it’ll cause trouble for them.

I dunno, maybe I’m just being a bit sensitive but it just kind of hurt a bit. We genuinely are great friends, but I feel like such a dirty secret when they suggest hanging out in a random place miles away just on the off chance somebody sees me with them purely on the basis of my sex and skin colour. Like if you’re going to be my friend, just own it and how difficult would it be to be a man and say yeah so what that’s my friend? I know it’s not that simple and I’m being a bit ridiculous but I just can’t help but feel a little bit hurt tbh

I’m not for one moment suggesting that it’s racist towards me, and I don’t want people having a go at me thinking I’m saying that because I’m not. I think our cultures are just clashing a little bit because I have no issues with guys/girls of any skin colour being friends and while I totally understand they’re entitled to their beliefs, it’s still a bit hurtful and I can’t help but feel like if they’re so ashamed of me then just don’t be my friend at all? But then it’s gutting because we’ve been great friends for years and we genuinely get on so well!

am I just being a bit over sensitive? I try so hard to respect other peoples beliefs even if I don’t share them myself and I don’t know if I’m just being a bit ridiculous or sensitive here, but I still feel a little hurt about the fact my existence has to be a big secret or it would be shameful for them

any advice (or reality checks to stop being so sensitive haha) would be greatly appreciated!

Yeah I think I’m just going to say it. When I was younger it was a ‘this is fine😊😊😊’ sort of vibe because I just thought who cares, doesn’t bother me etc, but as I’ve gotten older it’s started to irritate me. I have other friends who don’t keep my existence a secret so why am I wasting time with people who would be ashamed to be seen with me?

I guess it’s just hard when you’re basically ending a friendship but that’s life I guess. I think I’m going to say something to them along the lines of what you’ve said x

Thank you so much! Honestly dirty secret is EXACTLY how it’s made me feel

Not all cultures are equal. Some demand that those who follow them have to act like arseholes to other people. I’d rather not waste my time and energy on those people.

Genuinely don’t know what you’re on about, I’ve never said anything about a ‘superior culture’

you should probably just take a break from this because you’re making less and less sense 👍🏼

particularly with my skin colour

Is your skin colour a problem or not?

If it is, then they are racist so why would you respect that?

If it's not, then why did you even mention it?

No point in back peddling.

OP, just ignore that contributor. They’ve either had too much wine or don’t have very good comprehension when it comes to reading.

I think it’s just hard to accept my friends would be racist to me, I guess I’ve been a bit blind to it

Haha thank you! 😂 Yeah they sound more than a bit unhinged!

They sound absolutely awful. Why are you so desperate to hang out with them?

@Notsurehowtofeel3 i basically have to be kept secret because im a girl with a different skin colour to them and they said people will talk about it if they get seen with me and basically it’ll cause trouble for them.

It sounds like the men you are friends with are from a deeply conservative culture which is why they will get in trouble if someone sees them hanging around with a girl from a different ethnic background.

There's probably no harm in continuing to be friends with these men, but don't become close friends and keep them at arm's length.

What I would definitely advise is that you do not become romantically involved with any of these men in any way. Men from very conservative cultures are definitely not the type of men you want to be involved with. Think about men who believe that the husband should always have the final say and who believe that a woman's role is to serve the husband... your friends are these type of men.

I can't believe what I've just read here OP !!
It sounds like were back in 1951...and I was born in 1951.!!
I would be so hurt by this, it's ridiculous.
I would be proud to be your friend and show it.
They are not friends, you don't need them.💐💐

So I’m guessing here but maybe you all went to medical school together, and forged really great friendships, and now you are all still working in the field, so meet up socially and occasionally at professional events like training days or conferences.

So the friendship was fine when you were college mates, but now there is this level of discomfort because the classmate reason is no longer there, and they perceive it to be inappropriate to be normal-friends with women? Something like that?

We genuinely are great friends,

nope

How old are you @Notsurehowtofeel3 ?

your friends are adults not kids living at home

i would not support a friend that was supporting racism and sexism they are choosing to uphold these values and not doing anything to challenge them - that’s cowardice

what is the worst that could happen to if they were seen at a coffee shop shop with you ?

no religious book tells you to live segregated so this is a made up rule

also they are professionals and they have to interact with women and all races how do they manage that at work ???

i think id understand more if you could say what religion and what the race issue is ? As don't know any religions that operate this way

Op you are female they are male and met at uni?

I assume they come from a culture where they cannot be seen socialising with women. I’m really sorry for you but I think the friendships is either over now or will be over once they have all married.

are you white English? I have experience of this and it’s very sad but some conservative cultures dictate that they cannot speak to you.

you deserve better friends.

I do, I have experience of this. It’s ok to work with you as there’s little contact or study. It is not ok to socialise with you at all though. Very sad.

I can't work out which way round this would be in terms of race and colour. Whatever, it's totally unacceptable. These people are adults. How is anything ever to change if grown professional adults pander to this nonsense?

In my case and experience of this many years ago I’m white English female. They were not, hence it’s not ok to socialise with me. It will be the same for the poor OP and is very sad as you should all be able to be friends without cultural stuff dictating otherwise.c

Treat people how you'd like to be treated. You'd (I would hope!) never treat a friend as a secret because of the way they look, so I wouldn't expect it in return.

It really is time people just accepted each other regardless of skin colour, culture, religion. What a much better world it would be, unrecognisable in fact.

I'm white and I'm friends with quite a few Muslim men. I think the difference between me and you is that I'm married and older than them so I can be excused and treated as an auntie. Even so I still get looks and people (strangers) comment and ask who the gora is. It's a shame that culture/religion prevents people from having true friendships but it sounds as though the pressure would be too much for them to be open. The fact that they go out of their way to maintain contact shows that they want and value your friendship and contact with you. I think you either have to accept the external limitations that culture and religion place on your friendship or call it a day. Sorry.

You think you're oversensitive? I think you have the skin of rhino, to be honest. This is absolutely horrifying. These are possibly the shittiest friends I've ever heard of. You're literally not good enough for them to be seen with you, what a bunch of pathetic cowards.