AIBU to feel hurt being kept secret by close friends?

[Notsurehowtofeel3]

Just wondering if someone can help with advice (or give me a reality check if I just need to stop being so sensitive haha)

I’ve got some best friends who are from a different culture to me (I’m not going to say what for anonymous reasons). For them, they can’t be seen hanging around or being friends with women particularly with my skin colour. I don’t fully understand why but I respect everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and that’s fine. We’re all different at the end of the day and everyone is entitled to believe what they want. We’re actually really good friends though and met studying years ago and kept the friendship up. We text everyday but rarely meet up outside of professional, but when we do meet up, i basically have to be kept secret because im a girl with a different skin colour to them and they said people will talk about it if they get seen with me and basically it’ll cause trouble for them.

I dunno, maybe I’m just being a bit sensitive but it just kind of hurt a bit. We genuinely are great friends, but I feel like such a dirty secret when they suggest hanging out in a random place miles away just on the off chance somebody sees me with them purely on the basis of my sex and skin colour. Like if you’re going to be my friend, just own it and how difficult would it be to be a man and say yeah so what that’s my friend? I know it’s not that simple and I’m being a bit ridiculous but I just can’t help but feel a little bit hurt tbh

I’m not for one moment suggesting that it’s racist towards me, and I don’t want people having a go at me thinking I’m saying that because I’m not. I think our cultures are just clashing a little bit because I have no issues with guys/girls of any skin colour being friends and while I totally understand they’re entitled to their beliefs, it’s still a bit hurtful and I can’t help but feel like if they’re so ashamed of me then just don’t be my friend at all? But then it’s gutting because we’ve been great friends for years and we genuinely get on so well!

am I just being a bit over sensitive? I try so hard to respect other peoples beliefs even if I don’t share them myself and I don’t know if I’m just being a bit ridiculous or sensitive here, but I still feel a little hurt about the fact my existence has to be a big secret or it would be shameful for them

any advice (or reality checks to stop being so sensitive haha) would be greatly appreciated!

Is it seen as not ok for them to hang out with a woman, no matter her background?

Do they socialise with women from their own culture?

It is racist and it is sexist. I don't know why you are making excuses for them. Just because it is a culture of racism and sexism doesn't excuse it.

Whoa you are truly unhinged.
You come across as WAY more psychotic than anything you're stating the OP is.
Think it might be time for a nap. Are your parents home? Do they know you're online trying to awkwardly bully people?

Luckily the OP can see your crazy from there so it's not worrying her but honestly. You've made shit up and now you're banging on at her based on a story YOU crated rather than what she is telling you in typed words. Perhaps you have an issue with comprehension indicating more reason to log off...

Hope you get the help you need before its too late.

Why are you still hanging out with these spineless dickheads?

I suppose you’ve shown them you’re fine with them treating you as some kind of dirty secret because of your sex and skin colour. It’s up to you to decide if you are.

I agree.

It seems quite strange to me. I am not a young person, am retired, but lived and worked amongst people of all races and cultures, many of whom became friends, and have never experienced that. I've visited, they visited me, I've been to family gatherings and weddings. My race, or theirs, has never been a problem.

I think it is just these particular friends of yours, not a general thing.

Your problem here is mainly that you have tried hard to be accepting of a misogynistic (and racist, by the sounds of it) culture and in doing so you endorse it and help support it.

They probably prefer to keep work/outside life separate to home lives.

Whatever the reason, it doesnt seem like it's real friendship on their part.

Genuine worthwhile friendships have no reason to be kept a secret.

Exactly!
OP is falling over herself trying to justify completely unacceptable behaviour and views. No wonder she feels horribly uncomfortable. And then she's blaming herself for being "oversensitive"!

Op are you very young?

Either way… I can’t possibly conceive how low your self esteem must be that you have sucked this up for so long.

End this daft relationship; invest in some therapy; find other friends (because I know you refer to other friends but I’m skeptical)

I feel like this post is trying to stir up a bit of dog whistle racism. Surely if you’re this good friends with them you would know a bit about the culture they’re from and their background. Coming on here with the faux innocence saying surely my friends are not racist towards me doesn’t ring true so much with me.

plus, as you say, the fact that they are adult males means that realistically they probably won't suffer 'shame' or judgement from their community the way their sisters or wives would if they were to hang out with white males alone.

Unless there's something missing - for example the culture is so entrenched that people would genuinely not believe you were just friends (because m/f friendships are discouraged/not accepted) and would assume he was having an affair with you, which would shame his wife - then if they were a real friend they'd take the opportunity to make a stand rather than just hiding you for an easy life. They might face a bit of criticism but I bet they wouldn't be ostracised from the community in the same way a woman would.

Sadly I think if you challenged it you might find it's not such a good friendship as you think - if you said you were no longer comfortable with being hidden away sounds like they'd just not see you again.

Think about what would happen if you happened to meet somewhere unplanned - if you greeted them in your 'normal' way (hug, friendly smile etc.) in front of their family would they be horrified and push you away, or cross the street to avoid you? If that makes you feel a bit crap they aren't good friends, or nice people.

It's up to them to challenge the racism and sexism inherent in their (ignorant and blinkered) 'culture'.
As someone else said, don't accept being anyone's 'dirty secret' in this kind of scenario. If they're not prepared to challenge "accepted" norms, they're not as close friends as you imagine.

Someone's taking out their frustrations on OP!

Horrible post.

Bang on the money though!

They value the opinions of their elders more than their friendship with you. In those circumstances I would leave the friendship, hard tho it is. Once they marry the friendship will end anyway.

Nope nope nope! They can bugger off with their misogynistic and racist behaviour. If i’m not good enough for them then they’re not good enough for me. I wouldn’t entertain this for a minute. that would be the end of our ‘friendship’. Why are you twisting yourself into a pretzel to excuse their treatment of you!

I used to be “best friends” with a guy from a different culture to me. On the one occasion I really needed him - I’d missed the last train home on a Sunday night and there were no hotels available (it was a 4h train ride so taxi not feasible either) - and he didn’t let me stay in the family home but rather I had to literally sleep on the street, I realised this was never going to be a friendship I could rely on.

when people show you who they are - listen to them.

It was hard to read about their treatment of you and your pain. It reads like they do not comprehend or are intentionally blind to the depth of the hurt they are inflicting upon you even though for them it is not at "personal." It's pretty effing personal to you as it is the single thing you cannot change.

What they have to hide from whatever moronic hell their culture actually is, you will never be acceptable because they are unwilling to give up that aspect of their culture. You know they can. They are the generation who can change it. Full stop. Their unwillingness to take this on says boatloads about them, and none of it is good. Down not-so-deep they are, in their true essence, not good people. You need to wrap your brain around this and really take it in to understand it. You give them lots of latitude despite the harm to your person. Is the amusement they provide worth the chipping away at your self-esteem? I hope the answer is no.

They do not recognize the ongoing harm to your personhood either because they do not want to as it absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt, reveals them to be very bad people and they don't want to be forced to see that. The other option is you have not told them the toll it is taking on you to be their friend and they are too self-involved to notice the harm being done to you. Open your eyes, really look at them. They have been willing to hide you for a very long time.

You are slowly and inexorably chipping away at your own self-esteem for a trait you neither control nor can alter for no reason other than some outrageous and deeply offensive rules with regard to your skin color. You have to choose. The choice is quite literally them or you. Please choose yourself.

Yabvu to be bowing down to them like that. Sorry but they do not respect you in any shape. I'd reconsider my friendship. Stop being so fickle and apologetic for their views and behaviour to the detriment of yourself

How many men are involved here? Or is it one man and plural pronouns are being used? All very confusing and disturbing. You meet a group of men who keep you secret? Or is it one man who is letting you know that you are not respected in his community? Sounds very dodgy and disrespectful. This isn’t a friend in any meaningful way so face up to that and decline any further attempts to meet up. They are now past acquaintances with whom you will be polite. It is time you did the denying of your company.

No it's not on treating you this way. I think I understand your situation but your old buddies need to find a way of moving forward. We in the UK have accepted foreign mores/standards that are not ours thinking we are being liberal and helpful. Many of the mmigrants we have accepted, have not only come here for financial reasons, but because they wanted to leave old restrictive customs behind them. Now many of them are being forced culturally to accept older customs from "back home", such as headscarves, the status of women etc. by forceful more recent incomers. We as a society shouldn't have to accept the lessening of our rights (especially women) that have been hard fought for over centuries. Personally I would ban headscarves in Government buildings, schools etc. Female children are now growing up thinking they are second class citizens and of course the boys see this too. I think younger men as you describe who obviously accept you as simply another person, need to step up and change their environment.

Agree.

You can't be friends at all. You think you're friends, they don't.

If you're not allowed to be seen with someone, they don't value you enough.

You'll be surprised to find one of them marries a girl like you one day, and it will be totally fine because they love her.

Cut your losses.

These people are not your friends. Ditch them and get some real friends:people who are pleased to be associated with you and treat you with respect.