AIBU to feel hurt being kept secret by close friends?

[Notsurehowtofeel3]

Just wondering if someone can help with advice (or give me a reality check if I just need to stop being so sensitive haha)

I’ve got some best friends who are from a different culture to me (I’m not going to say what for anonymous reasons). For them, they can’t be seen hanging around or being friends with women particularly with my skin colour. I don’t fully understand why but I respect everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and that’s fine. We’re all different at the end of the day and everyone is entitled to believe what they want. We’re actually really good friends though and met studying years ago and kept the friendship up. We text everyday but rarely meet up outside of professional, but when we do meet up, i basically have to be kept secret because im a girl with a different skin colour to them and they said people will talk about it if they get seen with me and basically it’ll cause trouble for them.

I dunno, maybe I’m just being a bit sensitive but it just kind of hurt a bit. We genuinely are great friends, but I feel like such a dirty secret when they suggest hanging out in a random place miles away just on the off chance somebody sees me with them purely on the basis of my sex and skin colour. Like if you’re going to be my friend, just own it and how difficult would it be to be a man and say yeah so what that’s my friend? I know it’s not that simple and I’m being a bit ridiculous but I just can’t help but feel a little bit hurt tbh

I’m not for one moment suggesting that it’s racist towards me, and I don’t want people having a go at me thinking I’m saying that because I’m not. I think our cultures are just clashing a little bit because I have no issues with guys/girls of any skin colour being friends and while I totally understand they’re entitled to their beliefs, it’s still a bit hurtful and I can’t help but feel like if they’re so ashamed of me then just don’t be my friend at all? But then it’s gutting because we’ve been great friends for years and we genuinely get on so well!

am I just being a bit over sensitive? I try so hard to respect other peoples beliefs even if I don’t share them myself and I don’t know if I’m just being a bit ridiculous or sensitive here, but I still feel a little hurt about the fact my existence has to be a big secret or it would be shameful for them

any advice (or reality checks to stop being so sensitive haha) would be greatly appreciated!

if they are ashamed of your relationship - whatever that relationship is - and for whatever reason: they are not your friends.

Find better friends.

meh.

Racism is bad. Racism that is prescribed by your religion is as bad as racism that just comes from stupid ideas in your head or online influencers etc.

What people like OP have to decide is: am i ok with that racism, and then "am i ok with it when it is directed at me"

If your religion says you can't mix with women of OPs skin colour, then you either keep to that or you are open about not agreeing with it. Keeping dirty little secrets is neither religiously nor morally right.

When I was a late teen/20 I had a friend who had to keep me secret because I was a (white) male due to cultural/family reasons. However, I am male and she was female, and in some cultures that is frowned upon

I think your being really nieve and a bit self centred, they have told you this isnt about YOU its about the shit they will get from their community you dont want.

Bluntly, so what? Their issue to deal with if their community thinks opposite-sex friendships are some kind of sex thing. Not the OP’s issue.

I thInk I would let the friendship fizzle out. They might be trying to do their best by you in remaining friends and the people they are hiding you from by being deceitful, but it isn’t a good thing for anyone is it? They are having to lie, you feel like a dirty secret because that’s what you are to them and the people they are lying to and if those people ever find out they will feel betrayed and very disappointed with how their sons have not upheld their cultural “rules”.

Maybe look at it as a friendship you have grown out of and build on your other relationships that work fully and openly now.

I think this is the problem.

I once arranged to meet a client in a coffee shop to discuss the work. He introduced himself as Abdul, stuck out his hand, looked me in the eye, and said, "I'm not supposed to shake hands with women, or look them in the eye. Oh well!" Then smiled and sat down and we got on with the discussion.

It's a shame your friends are so worried about what other people will think, but maybe that comes with maturity. I don't think I'd be hanging around to find out.

Are you sure one of them/he isn’t married? Their behaviour seems bizarre if you’re just friends.

I think OP has got this wrong. I think these guys can’t free-mix with any women regardless of skin colour. It’s not racism, just that some religions don’t permit relationships before marriage. And being seen with a member of the opposite sex might make onlookers jump to conclusions.

I’ve been in this situation with a uni friend, also female. We got on really well but she was open that she couldn’t be seen with me in case it got back to her family. We’d go shopping together but she’d always be looking over her shoulder. We’re no longer friends and she ended up doing exactly as her parents expected.

You sound lovely OP, and I think that you deserve better 💕

You're just abusive. There is nothing in the information that the OP has given that could lead you to the conclusions you have drawn.