AIBU to feel hurt being kept secret by close friends?

[Notsurehowtofeel3]

Just wondering if someone can help with advice (or give me a reality check if I just need to stop being so sensitive haha)

I’ve got some best friends who are from a different culture to me (I’m not going to say what for anonymous reasons). For them, they can’t be seen hanging around or being friends with women particularly with my skin colour. I don’t fully understand why but I respect everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and that’s fine. We’re all different at the end of the day and everyone is entitled to believe what they want. We’re actually really good friends though and met studying years ago and kept the friendship up. We text everyday but rarely meet up outside of professional, but when we do meet up, i basically have to be kept secret because im a girl with a different skin colour to them and they said people will talk about it if they get seen with me and basically it’ll cause trouble for them.

I dunno, maybe I’m just being a bit sensitive but it just kind of hurt a bit. We genuinely are great friends, but I feel like such a dirty secret when they suggest hanging out in a random place miles away just on the off chance somebody sees me with them purely on the basis of my sex and skin colour. Like if you’re going to be my friend, just own it and how difficult would it be to be a man and say yeah so what that’s my friend? I know it’s not that simple and I’m being a bit ridiculous but I just can’t help but feel a little bit hurt tbh

I’m not for one moment suggesting that it’s racist towards me, and I don’t want people having a go at me thinking I’m saying that because I’m not. I think our cultures are just clashing a little bit because I have no issues with guys/girls of any skin colour being friends and while I totally understand they’re entitled to their beliefs, it’s still a bit hurtful and I can’t help but feel like if they’re so ashamed of me then just don’t be my friend at all? But then it’s gutting because we’ve been great friends for years and we genuinely get on so well!

am I just being a bit over sensitive? I try so hard to respect other peoples beliefs even if I don’t share them myself and I don’t know if I’m just being a bit ridiculous or sensitive here, but I still feel a little hurt about the fact my existence has to be a big secret or it would be shameful for them

any advice (or reality checks to stop being so sensitive haha) would be greatly appreciated!

Just realised it wasn’t clear in my OP- I think the main problem is the fact I’m female rather than my skin colour/culture- that’s just contributing to it I think

Are they male and you're female OP? If so is that more the issue?

Having said that, I think the simple answer is you need to explain to your friends how this makes you feel. If they're not prepared to change then you have to decide whether you want to continue with the friendship as it is.

Sorry I tried so hard to stay anonymous in my OP that I ended up making it too confusing to follow! Yeah I’m female and they’re male

I think this behaviour is really shitty. I think you can make better friends. It might be their culture but its
not yours is it? Im
sorry, I can imagine how hurtful and undermining this must feel from people you consider friends.

Kindly, most work 'friends' are not real friends.

It sounds like these colleagues value you as work mate but that is the limit. This is pretty normal. I changed jobs recently and only 1 person texts and asks to meet up. Another one texts sometimes and we sometimes meet up at a mutual activity but not by arrangement/deliberately.

Many work friendships are like this: strong in the workplace and whilst you are working there but actually completely dependent on being colleagues.

I'd say, use your non-working time to meet non-work friends - this is easier advised than accomplished but will give you options outside of work.

Ah thank you! Normally I’d agree but we’re not actually work friends- we met a long time ago when we were studying. When I said we meet up professionally we don’t work together, I just meant if there was an event or something on because we work in a similar field but we don’t work together

but yeah I definitely agree with your advice about meeting friends outside of work! X

Jeeeeez can you imagine the uproar if a white person said they can't hang around people with black or brown skin?

As PP said it's their belief not yours. You're not some secret. I'd swerve the whole lot of them. They either accept you for who you are, or don't. And as it stands they don't do that.

Bizarre.

I really couldn’t be bothered to continue this weird “friendship”

Agreed. I’m leaving my job this year and I know I’ll probably never hear from colleagues again, despite 6 years of working with them.

For them, they can’t be seen hanging around or being friends with women particularly with my skin colour. I don’t fully understand why but I respect everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and that’s fine.

You respect racists and think racism is fine?

Okaaaay.

No that’s not what I meant, I probably put it badly but just meant I understand everyone has different beliefs and some people might not be comfortable hanging out with the opposite sex. Personally I don’t understand why not because I don’t see any issues with it but I was just trying to say I understand everyone has different beliefs I guess. I probably worded it badly but it made sense in my head!

Its odd to be obsessed over messaging people DAILY you used to work with. Especially if you don't fit into their social group easily.

I've had close working relationships with old rich people, I'm not obsessed with whether or not I get accepted into their public drinks parties years later.

If there's some professional connection or you need a reference, connect on LinkedIn or send a work e-mail.

Don't be David Brent, turning up with your dog not really fitting in, and insisting your old colleagues hang out with you.

Dunno where you’ve got that idea from but as I’ve said a few times we didn’t work together? We studied together (that could be we went to school, uni, college etc together)

im just ignoring the rest of your message because it’s not relevant at all tbh

Yeah I had the exact same thing with my other friends from work! Best friends at the time but haven’t spoken since, just life I suppose!

I presume they are trying to respect the views/feelings of elder people in their community? Whilst I have some sympathy for that, I also think elders need to change and adapt and to accept that the younger generation has integrated. If your friends have enough integrity they should be trying to change entrenched opinions like this.

It's a shame that some people seem to discriminate more these days. You'd think it should be getting better, not worse.
You're not unreasonable to think people should choose to hang out with you based on character, not race/sex etc. And you shouldn't treat friends differently based on things they can't help.

I think that’s it exactly. I totally understand from their POV but it’s just a little hurtful to be on the other end of it

some religions seem to be very strict about men hanging out with female friends unchaperoned.

he’d get a reputation of a mad shagger and you’d be all the sluts of the day. despite never having touched each other.

i left my religion because it was like that. they wanted me to be chaperoned any time i was in male company.

Thank you so much! Exactly, it’s so frustrating. We get along so well, have loads of great memories and are genuinely great friends- but it’s just all secret and it has to be hidden and it’s hurtful to be the one hidden based on the fact I’m a woman

Isn’t it mad? We’re godparents to some ex work colleagues, haven’t talked in years!

I'd say they're not good enough friends to/of you. I wouldn't bother keeping up any kind of relationship where I was kept hidden, for whatever reason.

Have you told them it's not working out for you? Maybe if they have the choice between losing you as a friend or being honest about the friendship, they wouldn't want to lose you.

Ok.

So you meet a group of men on your "course". 🤨

You refuse to make any other friends, you don't even work with them, you text them every day, and now you're complaining about them on the Internet?

Maybe they don't want to make friends with you and use their parents as an excuse as you're harassing them and creeping them out.

Its probably embarassing that you're insisting on being their close friend and keep trying to turn up to their boys nights outs.

They hope you'll make some female friends or get a hobby and stop going all Baby Reindeer on them.

Why would you put up with this from so called friends? It sounds very weird.

Ok sure 😊 you sound a tad unhinged

Don't be anyone's dirty secret. No friend would ask that of you.