Can we just, for the first 2–3 weeks after birth, put new mums first?

[Bringbackbuffy]

I keep seeing posts where mums, MILs, or parents in general (and I do want to stress I’m not trying to be sexist, it just often seems to come up more on the maternal side of families) feel entitled to immediate access to a newborn, often at exactly the time the mother is recovering from birth, sleep-deprived, hormonally wiped, and trying to establish feeding and bonding.

And I do get it: nobody is entitled to help, and “help” isn’t automatic. But what’s often framed as help can realistically be quite self-serving. The wider family is focused on access, excitement, or status, for the visitor rather than the actual needs of the mother and baby and dresses up self issued invitations and offers of support.

From a purely physical and medical point of view, those early weeks are not a casual time. NHS guidance is clear that the first 6 weeks postpartum involve significant recovery whether vaginal birth or C-section. Layer on top of that the fact that chronic sleep deprivation is strongly associated with increased anxiety, low mood, impaired decision-making, and higher risk of postnatal depression. In other words, this is a period where cognitive and emotional load is already stretched to capacity.

Yet just in the last few days here we have seen posts and threads where:

• grandparents arriving within an hour of mum and baby getting home
• families expecting immediate updates the moment labour starts, then using that information to justappear
• pressure to accommodate visitors days after birth
• new mums having to actively manage information flow about when they have gone into labour or are going home just to get some privacy and prevent boundary crossings

That last one really stands out to me. The idea that someone who is physically recovering, learning to feed a newborn, and functioning on broken sleep should also be responsible for carefully managing other adults’ expectations, emotions, and potential offence just feels fundamentally imbalanced. I saw a post recently where a mum didn’t want her own mother staying in the early weeks because she knew it would increase stress. One suggestion was essentially “just invite her for two weeks later so she doesn’t feel left out.” But why is it always on the new mum to reframe, reschedule, soften, and emotionally manage everyone else’s feelings? Why is that the default expectation at exactly the moment she is least resourced to do it?

It also feels like part of a wider pattern where daughters and women are still expected to be “kind”, accommodating, and conflict-avoiding even in situations where they are recovering from a major medical event. We don’t usually expect that level of emotional labour from someone recovering from surgery or illness, but it somehow persists around birth.

Of course family members are excited. That’s completely understandable. But excitement doesn’t override the reality that this is a short, medically and emotionally intense recovery window where the mother and babyneeds should come first.

Is it really so unreasonable to suggest that for just a few weeks, the default should be mum and baby first? And if people genuinely want to help, why not ask what would actually be helpful, rather than dressing up presence and visits as support?

Because right now it seems like the emotional labour of protecting boundaries is being placed on the person least able to carry it. And there are always a few commenters trying to excuse the inexcusable as -they are just excited.

A week after I was born my mil wanted to take the baby for a walk. I didn't tell any one how much pain I was still in. I'd had a difficult birth and had had a haemotoma and episiotomy which were still healing. I remember it was a beautiful day and everyone was so happy. I remember my mil pushing the pram proudly as I literally hobbled behind. I think perhaps I agreed to it because I knew there would have been lots of offers of 'we'll take the baby while you rest' and I didn't want that either. I hope that if im ever a grandmother I have the sense to realise that I am there to support but only if needed and wanted.

I had an emergency c section with my eldest I was also 56 hours in labour before that. My entire family & in laws turned up to the hostipal 6 hours after he was born. I hadn’t even managed to get out of bed yet!
Then my in laws decided to “pop” over every bloody day with their young kids (12 or so people) for a week straight expecting me to run around making cuppas and cook dinner for their kids. I was in tears. I couldnt walk properly for 6 months as the c section was bodged and didn’t heal correctly for months!

Second time round I banned everyone from visiting for the first two weeks. Told them if they turn up they will be sent on their merry way and be at the back of the qeue to meet new baby. The only two people I allowed was my two friends round to meet him and they were really respectful and stayed just for two hours and brought dinner with them!

I'm with you, OP. It's about the mum's choice. Some new mums want people around, others don't. Both are fine and should be respected.

A friend of mine had her first child, and her MIL's first grandchild. The MIL was so hyper keen to see the baby and take her for walks and cuddle her and everything else in those first few days. All my friend wanted was peace and quiet and time to adjust. The MIL had nothing but love in her heart but her actions were completely selfish.

That's not my experience. In my NCT group, one of the most laid-back couples were also the strictest about not wanting the new mother's mum there - I think it was why she was so laid-back! She did have other visitors but in a normal, 'pop in for a few hours and admire the baby' way. I also know my SIL felt pressure to see both her mum and my mum very soon after birth and she is by far the most anxious, rule-driven parent I know.

A newborn baby doesn't really 'interact'. I think you have forgotten what they are like when they are this tiny! A newborn baby really just wants mum, and possibly dad. You hand them off to other people to get a break, but not so the baby can 'interact' with them.

I agree with a PP that birth injuries, or difficulty establishing feeding, have a load to do with it. Everyone would love it if they had the sort of labour where the baby pops out, the midwives bring tea and toast, and you're home within hours for a well-earned shower and a nap, and I can absolutely see how, in that scenario, you might be really quite well-placed to have company. Goodness knows, my SIL had a homebirth and by lunchtime she was asking if someone could bring her something interesting to do from work because she felt bored!

But if that's not your reality, or if you are nervous about it, then it's totally fair to say you might not want people around seeing you drag yourself to change a pad yet again, or cry all over your husband because you can't get the baby to latch.

I don't think nobody would disagree! Isn't that the OP's point?

There are some people who genuinely believe a baby is a family event, and all family members have an equal say in how things are managed.

Much the same here. I was happy to show off my babies to anyone who wanted to visit, and dd was perfectly happy for dh and me to visit in hospital within a few hours of birth for all 3. She also welcomed all friends once home, but then her friends are the type who’d bring a meal all ready to shove in the oven, load the dishwasher or do anything else.

Exactly this! Agree with you fully! I had a life threatening pregnancy with haemorrhaging with my 1st. My in-laws didn’t do much as visit when I was an inpatient let alone send a text to see how I was, other than one when I’d lost 1ltr of blood on my bathroom floor and was being prepped for an emergency section at 33wks “just heard my grandson might be coming, I’m so excited! Text me when he’s out and I’ll come give him cuddles” whilst i was traumatised. Thankfully the section was stood down and I was able to keep him in until one day past being classed as premature. In-laws came to visit the day after my section whilst I was still in hospital. MIL was fuming as she wanted to be there the day he was born, but was travelling back from holiday. It would have been a firm no, as I was starkers for most of the day, hooked up to drips, catheter in, recovering from a PPH. She told me to go back to the ward when she visited, as she quote “wasn’t there to see me” She continued to entitled and a raging bitch until I got pregnant with DC2. Again, turned up 24hrs pp for the whole day, whilst I was recovering from stitches and a PPH, expecting to sit and hold my baby for several hours, refusing to give him back so I could breastfeed telling me “I’ve had loads of time to hold him, it’s her turn”

It’s not up to GP’s or visitors to decide when they want to come over. It’s on the new mum. Even after a straightforward birth, I imagine mums want a little space to bond and heal. If they want people to come visit, that’s their choice. But it should be their choice. No one else’s.

I think the people who can’t understand mums not wanting visitors should imagine being told you’re not allowed visitors instead. You’re desperate to show off your baby or see you parents and someone says it’s not allowed. Perhaps some of you even experienced this because of COVID. You desperately wanted to have visitors but someone else said you couldn’t. Or maybe your DH says no visitors allowed. That’s not what you wanted and you can therefore feel angry or upset or annoyed that someone else is dictating what you do and ignoring your feelings when you’ve just been pregnant for 9 months and given birth. That’s how some people feel about having visitors. And that’s okay to feel that way.

If the need to be isolated becomes an ongoing issue, it is worth gently checking in on that person as they may have additional things going on. But anyone who has been though birth is entitled to say whether they want visitors or not. No weird bond is created between newborn and grandparent in the first 24hrs. My dad, in fact was the last GP to meet my DD but the first to make her smile. Most importantly, families aren’t rainbows and sunshine. Postpartum is a hard and vulnerable time even if it’s the best thing you’ve ever experienced. If your relationship with certain people wasn’t close before, why would it change when you’re postpartum? Why would you suddenly invite people who aren’t supportive to be there in those early hours? And women are, of course, ‘allowed’ to favour their parents over their in-laws. Years of support and love and comfort can trump even very good inlaw relationships. Or, perhaps a MIL has been a huge support in the woman’s life and fills that caring role instead. Finally, women are allowed to need space to heal or to come to terms with their new role and recovering body. I fear the people who are struggling to understand this could be the future mil who will be last to visit their own GCs because they can’t empathise with another person’s perspective. Just because it brought you joy, it doesn’t mean it’s a universal truth and the more you say “but I loved it”, the more your DIL will see that you’re not thinking about them at all.

A long one but how women are treated post partum really matters. The leading cause of postpartum (6 weeks to 1 year) death is taking one’s life so this isn’t something to roll your eyes at and deem demanding or precious. We should care for these women at a vulnerable time and see what’s at stake.

I think it’s cultural though. In my culture a pregnant woman and new mother is absolutely doted on and everything revolves around you. I read stuff on here and can only assume which type of culture it is.
there is no such thing as running around hosting people, cooking, cleaning or doing anything other than recovering and taking care of the baby. Both my family and IL couldn’t do enough for me. Very typical of our culture.

It isn't in England in my experience. It mostly depends on the personality of the family members and often whether the mum or MiL has ever really accepted that her little girl/boy is now 30 or whatever and doesn't have to do as they are told any more.
If you have in-laws who don't like you they won't stay away out of concern for you as a new mum. If you have parents who expect to be "hosted" when they usually visit this won't change either.

I was excited to see everyone and show my babies of and tell them about my birth. But even if I wasn't for whatever reason I think i would rather let visitors come straight away see me and the baby and get it out the way then get settled with the baby. All my immediate family and friends live close by though so nobody is actually moving in which would be completely different.

I understand where you're coming from and I agree.

I made the mistake of telling my Mum and Dad (they're not together) I was being induced. Luckily my Mum only harassed DH for the duration but my Dad just wouldn't stop pestering me for constant updates. By day 3 (of a failed 5 day induction followed by EMCS) I had to send him a long winded "I get you're excited and when something happens we will update you so wind your fucking neck in!" text.

After DD was born my mum descended and after months of her telling all and sundry how amazing and supportive she was going to be, she just sat on my sofa for hours and did nothing. Again luckily my DH was on hand to fetch and carry but she didn't even make a brew or offer to load the dishwasher.

DH and I did not take to new-born life like a lot of our friends (baby on Tuesday, in Nando's on Wednesday) and the first month was a complete fog where we barely left the house as we clung on to survival.

My dad wanted to visit within days, kept complaining because he assumed my Mum had already met DD, and because I had let everything get on top of me, I sent him another long winded message containing the multitude of reasons why he wasn't visiting until I was ready, going into great detail about bleeding, oozing C-Section wounds, bleeding nips, sleepless nights, etc! We didn't really have a great relationship to begin with (he wants to be there to bask in the glory of my success but never did any of the graft to deserve it).

I resent how they made me feel but I'm vocal enough to tell people off when I feel its necessary. A lot of new mothers may not feel they can do the same.

This is exactly what my mum said. Women went home feeling more recovered and people had their short visits at hospital, getting over the shiny newborn excitement. I was discharged 24hrs post section and PPH after my 1st and 12hrs after a retained placenta and PPH with my 2nd. I wasn’t ready for visitors 24hrs later for visitors both times. I’d literally been a couple 100mls of blood loss each time away from transfusions.

My mum qualified in 1983 and by the time she retired in the 2020’s, it was a completely different landscape. She described it as a biscuit factory, one in, one out. Women had gone through a life changing and sometimes traumatic experience, then sent on their way to figure it out like everything was ok.

You're really reaching here. Some people seem very triggered by mothers of newborns who unapologetically put themselves first. I wanted weeks without seeing anyone because I felt like shit after a long difficult labour and an eventual CS and couldn't get the hang of breastfeeding (never did -- no supply ever emerged, despite me taking all possible advice from everyone from NCT peer support, La Leche League, GP, midwife etc) so I took it. It's had no impact whatsoever on my subsequent parenting, or on DS (now a teenager) and his cordial relationships with both our families.

Yes, but in the past, babies were taken off for long periods to a collective nursery. I wouldn't have countenanced that for a minute.

I don’t know about my mother’s generation, but my midwives and my NCT leader all encouraged us to think about our birth plans and experience and what we wanted that to look like. From how and where we wanted to give birth to who we wanted around.

Maybe that is why grandparents now feel that rules are being put in place that they never did. Mothers are actively being encouraged to think in advance about what they want, what will make them most comfortable and what will make them feel calm-and being told by professionals that it is ok to do that.

When I read these threads on mumsnet I am so relieved I had my children overseas - no unexpected visitors!
I had my dcs in Germany and Austria and it was standard to stay in hospital for a week (c section) so felt pretty good when I went home, stitches already out etc. My mum came to stay for two weeks and was incredible - took over everything not baby related- cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping. I was breast feeding and she got up every night just to sit with me during those lonely hours at 3 am.
edited to add - didn’t appreciate at the time how lucky I was to have such an amazing mum.

I mean I can’t associate with this at all - I had no one visit 🤷🏻‍♀️ no one cared really. Eventually I called and let people know I gave birth. But you know - your sentiment is not wrong - I think it should be up the new mum.

And this for me is equally bad 💐 if you want someone there, whether it’s to sit and chat, pop some washing on, come to the hospital and coo over baby; whatever the family and friend circs are suck it up for a few weeks and show some support for the new mum in your circle.

I think pregnancy and immediately post birth is potentially a tremendously vulnerable time for some women. Not all women, obviously.

But, when you have a complex or disfunctional family structure, or relationship with what would normally be assumed to be a key support figure, like your Mum, that time can potentially be exploited, or ruined, so easily.

At that time, so many new Mums desperately want their Mum. Many are lucky enough to have Mums who are kind, patient, understanding, generous, patient, giving and supportive.

Some are not. Some are desperately wishing that the Mum they got handed, was the above epitome of maternal love. And some of those Mums that are not, they use that desperate yearning as a key to access their daughter, and their grandchild, not to support, but to manipulate and use for their own selfish ends.

Oftentimes, those Mums might have been given access and opportunity the first time round, only to find that their daughters' (and their husbands!) have wised up and learned from bitter experience by the time they have their second and reduced their opportunities to cause upset and hurt!

And many of us know that family friction and politics are exhausting at the best of times. For some of us, add being post partum into the mix (not all of us being the amazing brood mares who spring back immediately into action that others are), and it's one hell of a time to navigate. And I really don't understand why new mothers should not be encouraged to centre themselves and their baby's wellbeing first and foremost. If a grandparent or other relation or friend gets their nose out of joint about that, to me, that says something about the relationship - and possibly why the new parents felt the need to specify some boundaries.

It's frustrating that there are so many stories of family visitors wanting access and seemingly wanting to be hosted when we are at our most exhausted. Whereas in most of the world outside Northern Europe, the extended family descends on you directly after the birth, not as a burden to be entertained, but to provide support, allowing the mother to sleep and recuperate while they do the feeding, changing, cleaning, and cooking. Similarly, in other parts of Northern Europe, mothers are typically not discharged for a week post delivery to facilitate recuperation under supervision.

Whichever way you look at it, our model seems back to front.

It's a very individual thing IME, some new mums love to have everyone visiting and cooing over the baby, others prefer time to themselves. There's no blanket rule.

We haven't had babies in the family (or friends) for years and I recently went to see my nephew's new son (I was invited!) ... having read all the weird shit on here I was quite nervous about how to behave around them/the baby and what was expected.

As soon as I walked in the door the new mum thrust the baby at me, asked if I would like to feed him and was super chilled, I was really surprised.

I agree with a PP that birth injuries, or difficulty establishing feeding, have a load to do with it. Everyone would love it if they had the sort of labour where the baby pops out, the midwives bring tea and toast, and you're home within hours for a well-earned shower and a nap, and I can absolutely see how, in that scenario, you might be really quite well-placed to have company. Goodness knows, my SIL had a homebirth and by lunchtime she was asking if someone could bring her something interesting to do from work because she felt bored!
But if that's not your reality, or if you are nervous about it, then it's totally fair to say you might not want people around seeing you drag yourself to change a pad yet again, or cry all over your husband because you can't get the baby to latch.

Yes!

The amount of posters who cannot recognise the difference is sad. Many first time mums are not comfortable nursing in front of family members and trying to get it established those first few weeks can be difficult. There’s also those who had very difficult births and came out with injuries and many don’t have family who will take into consideration the extra emotional, mental, physical toll that brings on top of everything else. They just expect a new mum to be happy that baby is here and f-k the experience mum had because childbirth is normal. Normal doesn’t mean not dangerous, normal doesn’t mean without trauma.

How many threads on here have been about family members moaning about a new mum choosing to breastfeed because it means they cannot have the cuddles they want when they want and/or take baby away from parents in the first instance and are pushing the mums to stop nursing. Some family members even calling it disgusting and telling them nursing past 4, 6, 12 months is wrong despite actual studies saying otherwise?

How many posters have said having to deal with difficult family members who only seem to see them as vessels believe it contributed to their PND?

It is luck to come out of childbirth unscathed. It is luck to have lovely supportive family members because one can’t exactly choose who they’re born to and unfortunately people who one may see as family can show themselves when a woman is pregnant and/or gives birth and how much she really matters to them compared to a new baby and their own personal desires when it comes to said baby.

I think we need to remember that the posts on mumsnet on this topic are iften under AIBU and are from those who have had a bad experience.
Like the news in general, the good, the normal, and the positive experiences do not tend to get space.
Someone whose family has been sensitive and supportive is unlikely to make a specific post about this.
I have 3 adult DDs who have each wanted things done differently and, like the vast majority of grandparents I know, I have gone with their flow.
They all 3 wanted us to see their latest production ASAP then we were guided by them from thereon in.
Two complained that we scooted away too soon! .... I was just trying not to crowd them in!
They also knew that I would cook and wash and look after siblings and generally help to keep things going so they would be able to concentrate on the new arrival.
None of that is a bad thing!
And a grandparents being excited and proud about a new baby does not make it "all about them" ... it makes them normal!!

As the maternal grandmother I was desperate to see and hold my daughter after what proved to be a traumatic birth. There’s something visceral about your child being cut open. I practically climbed over the cot to get to her. Even second time round which was much better I wanted to hold and hug my girl. Then have a baby cuddle and welcome them to the world.
if one of my sons is lucky enough to become a father I would want to love and hug him as becoming a father can be traumatic too.
Of course I would make the tea and load the dishwasher as well.