AIBU to be hurt by my drunk MIL's comments?

[Sophsholli]

I’ll start with some context, DH and I have been married for 3 years, I generally get on well with his family and this is the first time we have had any issues. We have a 2 year old and a 3 month old.

Anyway, last night was MILs 60th birthday party, I think I was one of very few who didn’t drink and certainly the only one in the immediate family who didn’t. Part way through the evening I would say MIL was fairly drunk, she doesn’t drink much so I haven’t seen her like this. We were chatting and out of nowhere she said some things that really hurt me.
First of all MIL took early retirement and decided to go back to university and get a masters degree, I think good for her! But she made a comment along the lines of “ah you’ll be the only person in the family without a masters soon”. I laughed it off, as well she is technically correct, DH, his dad, his brother, his brothers girlfriend and soon to be MIL all have masters. I wouldn’t have cared if the conversation ended with that. She then asked me if I felt “insecure”, I said no why would I? And she said well you know our family is quite academic and you are not, again I laughed it off and say no it doesn’t bother me and I don’t think degrees are all that important if you have a different path to a good and fulfilling career planned. She continued wittering, insulted the university I did go to, and implied I wasn’t as “bright” as the rest of the family.
I tried to divert the conversation away, but she went on to complimenting BILs girlfriend, her intellect, her beauty etc. She then said at the end “ah you must be a bit jealous of her, with her being so lovely and smart and stunning”. I simply didn’t reply to this and tried to move away to socialise with others.

However this morning this has left me very hurt. On the education front, I grew up in a very working class family and was the first to attend university at all. To me that is a massive achievement, irrespective of how highly sought after the university is. On the other hand DH and his brother were both privately educated, BILs girlfriend went to an international school abroad and comes from a family of professionals and academics.
Second of all, and perhaps more painfully, I feel her last comment was implying that I am not as “stunning” or “lovely” as BILs girlfriend. I’m not blind to the fact that she is objectively a very attractive woman, and she is rather lovely and clearly intelligent. However I’ve never felt insecure around her as a result. I won’t pretend I’m some sort of model but I wouldn’t say I’m unattractive so it felt like an unnecessary comment.

I told DH this morning and he asked if I wanted him to talk to her about this. I said I’d like him to mention it as it’s not comments I want to receive again in the future. He said he would but he felt I shouldn’t take it to heart and she only compliments BILs girlfriend so much because she is foreign and his mother views her as “exotic” (she’s French-Italian). He seemed shocked that I am hurt, and thinks I should brush it off as MIL being too drunk and loose with her words and not allow it to sour our relationship with her, but to me it was her been unfiltered and honest and she clearly views me as slightly unattractive and not very intelligent.

AIBU to be hurt?

I would be hurt too.

Your DH should mention it to his mother, I would see how she responds but probably step back and not see her often.

I would be mentioning it myself, actually - even though I get that would be hard to do. But I think a quiet, private word to let her know how hurt you were by her comments would not go amiss. But say your (short) piece, then walk away without letting her respond.

In vino veritas, sadly. I would be upset and suspect your MIL will be embarrassed when she has her words related back to her.

That wasn’t nice of her op and good on your husband going to speak to her.
Hopefully she has the hangover from hell today and the anxiety that comes with that.

You need your husband to have your back. He shouldn’t dismiss this.

I'd have probably said something on the lines of having plenty of time left if I wanted to, after all she is only just studying for her masters now she's retired.

“She then said at the end “ah you must be a bit jealous of her, with her being so lovely and smart and stunning”.”

Wouldn’t a delicious response have been “Not at all, but you clearly are!”

I never think of the right reply until well after the event! 🤣

She’s projecting. She did her degree later in life because the rest of her family made her feel inadequate academically.

YANBU, she said some very hurtful things to you. What I would do I think, is absolutely nothing. I wouldn't mention it nor would I ask DH to speak to her. If she doesn't usually drink much, you've never seen her drunk before and you usually get on well, I suspect she's mortified to have done this and waiting anxiously for consequences. When none come and you're both acting completely normal she'll be as bewildered as she is embarrassed. It's so petty and maybe I'm a terrible person but I would quite I enjoy that after what she said.

I would never want to see her again. What a nasty woman she is to say this to you. She is very shallow and not all academic people have common sense and she is obviously one of them.

She sounds like a nob.

I’d be hurt too. I suppose the only goodish thing is that you know her true views and I think that is useful information to have. I wonder too if she struggles with jealousy and insecurity given she mentioned both? We often project our own traits onto others.

I think she should be pulled up on it. Ideally you’d do it yourself as I think that would have the most impact, but it’s easy for me to say that and appreciate harder in reality. So if not you, your dh.

@Tooberbut don’t you think there’s a chance that she’ll just feel like she got away with it and avoided an uncomfortable confrontation? Or she may minimise it and conclude she wasn’t ’that bad’ if nothing gets said?

What an utter cow and your dh minimising it! Being drunk is no excuse. Thats her true personality. In vino veritas and all that. She needs a masters in being a decent human being

I’d be hurt too though I think I’d have walked away there and then after saying ‘you’ve clearly had too much to drink as you’re being very rude and disrespectful’.
I would want my dh to speak to his dm as I wouldn’t want a repeat of that.

You may not have a masters, but you have manners.

Take the higher road, but don’t ever forget. I’d probably dial down my relationship with her from now on. She’s told you what she thinks, at least now you know.

Oh I can’t cope with families that place such a massive emphasis on what university qualifications they all have. No one actually cares. Such dull people.

OP, no, I wouldn’t be asking my husband to ‘have a word’, firstly because I wouldn’t need to, as he’d have a word anyway and secondly, I’d have told her what I thought at the party!

I would be hurt and I would expect DH to say something to her.
I would hope she would then apologise to me.
I hope this is what happens

How insulting. Drink is no excuse.
She should contact you to apologise.

If she doesn’t offer an apology either you or your DH should tackle it.

I rather suspect he might minimise it though.

In vino veritas. She provided you with a full and coherent picture of what she thinks of you ( and what she values) despite being drunk. I wonder how much of what she said she remembers.

I wouldn't make a big thing of this - no point unless you like arguments ( and even then, you aren't going to change what you heard or what she thinks of you by arguing about it).

But I wouldn't forget it, either, and wouldn't be putting myself out for her at all in future. Let your DH carry that load from now on.

I agreed with @BiddlyBipBipBeeBop
’s post (below). It pure projection. I would never mention it, but I would remember her feelings and be very wary of her in future

“She’s projecting. She did her degree later in life because the rest of her family made her feel inadequate academically.”

Something similar happened in our family - my gran got v drunk at her sister’s golden wedding. She was a strict catholic and had two boys - my dad and my uncle. Spent the entire night doing the rounds with various family and friends crying and telling them how she didn’t know why she had annoyed God so much because “one son married a Proddy and the other married a cripple”. My mum was CofE and my lovely aunt had MS.

I think the only people she didn’t say this to were her sons (who thought the sun shone out of her arse) and her DILs, but it got back to my mum via me and was passed on to my aunt and my cousins. Both men refused to say anything, but invites to our houses lessened, and us grandchildren suddenly had more clubs and sports to go to at the weekends and school holidays. She only had herself to blame. We were very clear that we saw her true thoughts that night.

Did your DH witness her comments? I'd only let him have a word with her if he did, and wanted to express his own annoyance at them.
If he didn't witness the exchange, a) it won't work, she'll just deny it or say you misunderstood and b) you should put your big girl pants on and fight your own battles.

I think next time you are out for a meal with them I would remind her about how she loses her filter when drinking and suggest she lays off the sauce. I would be disappointed in your husband trying to minimisse it too. Is he happy with her implying that his brother has better taste or “pulling power” than him?

Easier said than done but please try to take no notice. I mean even if you were feeling inadequate (which I know you already stated you aren’t), MIL has essentially proven that she herself wasn’t as academic in her youth either if she has waited until now to complete her masters!

I think I’d have to address this at some point and say something like ‘I was thinking about what you said at your party Sue, about me not having a masters degree like the rest of the family…and I might do one in the future. Obviously I wouldn’t leave it as long as you did! Ha ha, I don’t want to be the only pensioner in the student union!! But maybe in a few years I’ll go back to Uni, give up work and you’ll be retired by then and can pick up your Granny duties and have the children a lot more while I study.’