To ask how a child is supposed to make different friends if the whole class is in tight groups/pairs?

[ToffeeCrabApple]

Dd is 7/y2. She had various friends in rec/y1, including one sort of on/off "best friend" - they waxed and waned in what seemed to be a healthy way and also often played with various other girls, but did always seem to gravitate back to each other. DD seems to me to be a completely normal kid gets on great with her brother and cousins and makes friends easily outside school eg on holiday club.

In y2 suddenly it seems like the whole class is in one tight exclusive pair or group or other. The "best friend" swiftly dropped DD for a new girl. I advised DD to not go chasing after them, especially if they were not kind to her "you can't play" and the like. Encouraged her to play with others, had a few play dates to help her broaden out etc.

It hasn't worked. Seemingly all the girls are in very tight 2s/3s, DD is a perpetual unwelcome third wheel asking to play. No ones invited her for play dates back. I keep calmly cheerfully saying "don't worry just find someone else to play", but everyone keeps saying you can't make kids include others etc, what the fuck do you do if no one lets you play? Her big brother has said she's ending up on her own a lot and joining him (he's kind and is fine with this). He also told me quietly he's seen former "best friend" running away from her when she asks to join in.

She was completely fine till now. Confident, sociable. Why are little girls so mean to each other?

I just don't know what to do. Asked teacher, who shuffled tables around at one point but can't do much else. Poor DD is just getting sad and her confidence is drifting away.

I hear you. My girls are 8 and 10 and the friendship issues are absolutely taking over our lives just now, it’s terrible. I try to stay out of it but my god it’s hard sometimes 🥲 little girls can be absolutely vicious to each other and the boys aren’t remotely interested in playing with girls.

My daughter is year 5 and some of the girls can be really unkind - I just instil kindness in my kids and try my best but when they’re upset it is hard. I would speak to the school.
our school sometimes move the kids round from year to year too and so that can be a double edged sword, unsettling for some and good for others.

It would be very unusual for a child with no difficulties to making friends to be unable to find any friends at all. Are you sure your DD means 'everybody' or does she just mean the DC she's attracted to? Because usually there are some DC in every class who are not surrounded by friends, the quieter, less confident children who also seem a little on the fringes that DD could befriend.
If not I'd advise that DD continues to be friendly to everyone, that you help her by inviting DC to your home, and that you wait it out until its all change, the pairs mix and she ends up coupled up again, as inevitably happens at 7.

Years ago, when my kids were little, the school had a friendship bench.
If you had no one to play with you sat on the bench.
All kids were actively encouraged to include anyone on the bench straight away.
The grownups had to monitor this strictly.
Kids were encouraged to "change games" if the one they were playing meant "x, y z person" couldnt join in.

My daughter's best friend is a boy (both yr2) Thick as thieves but they are very much alike in their behaviours so maybe that is why they have gelled.

We have had lots of similar issues throughout school. My dd is Yr 5 now and recently I've been saying to her these girls might just not be your people and whatever happens I'm here for you. Almost re enforcing that she is my best friend and I am hers and making home her safe place. It is heartbreaking to see them left out girls can be awful. Also doing cute colouring worksheets type mindfulness ie I am kind, I am caring, I am brave etc to help with confidence.

Sending hugs it's horrible for you too xx

This is what I do too and it works for my 8 year old but my nearly-11 year old, not so much 🫩

School needs to help. Our school had a good system whereby they would ask a kind girl or a few kind girls to be a playground buddy for one who was feeling left out. They also have quiet club where kids can go and do creative work - you can bring a friend or you can go alone and friendships start up that way. Also the playground rule is that you’re allowed to play by yourself but if if playing in 2 or more you’re not allowed to refuse if another child asks to join. In my experience kids need support with friendships at this stage.

PE isn’t the answer or route to bigger friendships, lots of schools do have PE that have very inclusive team building games and games that nurture friendship and self esteem. Most teachers are experts at reading children, groups, teams etc.PE at this age really isn’t what people think it is, they imagine their own PE experience which only really relates to high school.

your child being a summer born, will have an impact on the situation at this age. Not so much as she moves through high school but differences are more noticeable at this young age.

I still stand by the teacher could and should be doing more. Friendships at this age need support and guidance. A good teacher recognises that children actually play alongside each other for a long time in childhood before they really understand the meaning of “friendship”. Children of this age are still impressionable, they can take cues from adults and peers around them. She could be doing a lot more in own actions…modelling good language, talking about friendships and class etiquette, using books and games to educate, using other teachers that she interacts with etc.

with the greatest of respect are you too caught up in it yourself? Does the teacher not agree with you or not letting you know that she feels you’re over invested? You say she’s being very nice about it, sure any teacher would be…but that doesn’t signal a teacher that’s heavily invested in the situation. Is your child just not being included in the children that she wants to be playing with….rather than it’s a whole class thing, or everyone is leaving her out.

dont get wrong OP I’m not immune to the feeling of having a child like this at school. As a parent, it’s heartbreaking….my adult kids all went through it as some point. All you can do is keep talking to the teacher, make plans with her for the classroom and wider school activities, keep inviting all children in the class for play dates (whether they’re reciprocated or not) and try to fill her time at home with a wide array of activities. That way you’ve had a rounded approach of giving her the opportunity to have a go at lots of things and lots of relationships 🫶

edit to say the school friendship bench and friendship playground buddies have been in every school I’ve ever worked in (state and independent). Ask the teacher and your child about that. Ask the teacher to pop out at break to see how it’s going.

So I thought this too and deliberately asked the teacher at a parents eve if there were any quieter/overlooked other kids who might be more open to a friendship. The teacher was a bit flummoxed as to who to suggest (she knows they're all quite set in friendships) but we did try with a few. They played well but it never seems to make them willing to include DD at school

I want to be clear, I don't think the other kids mean to be unpleasant. I reckon they all just are in bubbles with their own friends and assume that someone else will play with her... but everyone thinks that and no one says "play with me".

You are right that you can't force/school can't force kids to become friends but they can ask them to be inclusive. The deliberately "running away" and refusing to find games that work for a 3 or 4 is actually really mean and unkind. I'd be asking the teacher to intervene a little bit more, either by finding something fun for her on her own or where she can meet someone, but also by discussing with the other girls how it might feel when they say "you can't play" or deliberately ignore/isolate someone. Our y2 class had this issue (my ds wasn't involved but a friend was), the teacher sat all the girls down and basically discussed playing group games like hide and seek, tag etc, discussed emotions and how being left out might feel, did some stories about being inclusive and helping people join in etc. It worked and they all are much nicer to one another now. They need to learn that this behaviour isn't ok.
In the meantime, I'd boost her confidence and create friendships out of school, rainbows or brownies, hobbies etc. It's good to have friendships elsewhere if things are tough at school.

I think the schools job is to teach these girls how to say "let's play together" or "you can play with us". Including someone and being overtly kind is a life skill. It's not about telling them off or saying they're doing anything wrong, it's about helping them understand the impact of not widening their circles and getting them to think about how you might include someone alone. This is what school should be doing. I appreciate you think they're doing enough, but reading this thread - lots of people don't! You're entitled to ask them to do more if you want to. Our school y2 teacher did, and it worked wonders on the 1 little girl being left out (again not through bullying or mean-ness, just by girls being rigid about best friends/groups)

Does the 'buddy bench' system exist at the school? It seems to have worked well at both primaries DS attended.

Honestly, OP, this is only year 2. I know it feels heartbreaking, but they're very young, and these 'tight' friendships will probably have reshuffled themselves again entirely by the start of Year 3. Don't assume this is it for the rest of primary! Focus on strategies for now, and above all, don't catastrophise. I think children pick up on our fears very easily.

Am absolutely being bright & breezy about this with DD and not making a thing of it.

No buddy bench but I'm going to suggest it & offer to donate a bench if school would like one.

Thanks for all the advice. Am going to chat the teacher again this term.

Can you work to help her develop her friendships with the kids from sports and swimming (or if there's other kids local to you not at the same school) outside those environments? In areas where most kids are in one school it's so easy to think of the kids at school that they see every day as the only 'real' options for friends, but actually there's often lots of other friendships from clubs which can be nicely fostered too! She'll maybe feel a bit better if she can solidly say 'my best/favourite friend is Sally from football, we are on the same team, and see each other on weekends sometimes too, she's coming for a sleepover on Saturday' rather than just 'I don't have a best friend'.

Invite the sports friend over (or a small group) for a playdate, or arrange to meet up with them outside of sports practices/games. If you're doing birthday parties or little celebrations consider those friends too!

Agree!!

Children can just drift at that age. My DD seemed to have lots of friends but no besties at that age. A couple of year later she was very settled with a stable friendship group. Don’t worry about it and don’t coerce the play dates.

This will sound superficial but have you considered a really cool birthday party?
Maybe not a whole class one as she may feel left out. My daughter is 6 and invited around 12 kids to her party. She specifically asked not to invite certain children as ‘if x comes then y will just play with them and not me’. I went with it. It all seemed to go well. My daughter struggles sometimes with friends.

Join the parents association so you can become better friends with the parents and so your child will feel like she belongs more?

This sounds hard OP. It's hard to give advice because it already sounds like you're doing the things I would suggest (play dates, activities outside school etc).

Just to reassure you that there will definitely be movement in friendships at some point (children leaving or joining the class or movement among the current friendships) so this won't last forever.

That sounds really hard and I feel for you, as it’s really difficult to watch your child go through that. My son had a really tricky time in year five. His teacher was saying all the right things, but general exhortations to the kids to “be kind to each other“ didn’t really achieve anything or carry across when it came to playground politics. I’m not really sure what shifted but something did and he’s thriving again in year six. I think his teacher is a bit more alive to how some of the dynamics in the classroom play out in the playground and that the two are connected, rather than seeing them separate. So whilst it’s absolutely not your child’s teacher’s problem to solve, I think if you’re really honest with just how hard this is for your child, it will be something they can take on board a bit more perhaps. My question would be whether there’s something that gives kids a bit of respite from it all? We’re a bigger school, but we have a Lego club, which is informal, not one you can officially sign up for, and is not presented as such to the kids, but is essentially a respite club for kids who are finding the playground tricky. Run by a lovely TA who has chats with them, and it gives kids a break from the mental stress that playtime can present when you’re in your daughter’s position. It’s obviously not a solution, but she might click with some kids who are in there or it just gives her a break. So maybe ask if there is any thing like that as well? And as app said, see if there is a Beavers group, not just rainbows. It’s mixed scouts for ages 6-8 and is fantastic, my youngest loves it.

Mine didn't either, and I found childhood quite difficult not having anyone I could talk to about things which were bothering me. As a mum myself now I would hate the thought of my daughter crying herself to sleep as I used to.

I think this is just how schools go tbh. My DD is 8 and like yours easily makes friends anywhere we go. P1 was great she made a couple of little friends then p2 came and she was put in a different class away from those she classed as her besties. She again made friends with others in her class and boom p3 separated from them but back with the original girls she was close with only another girl had joined them and wouldn’t let DD play as they were ‘her’ friends. Then p4 she was split again from new friends she made and she’s tried with a few and although some allow her to play other times they don’t now she doesn’t seem to have any that she classes as her besties. Doesn’t help that there are a couple of ‘mean girls’ in the class and there is a lot of backstabbing going on. It’s a girl heavy year and I’ve spoken to the teacher and they agree there is clearly a couple of trouble makers in the girls (thankfully they don’t see my DD as one) I’m hoping next year she’s in a class without them and can find her besties. I had the same best friends all though primary and secondary okey we’ve lost touch after our early 20’s but I’d love that for her too. She’s got a few clubs that we attend where she’s got friends so
shes not really fussed but I know some days she comes home upset because no one wanted to play at lunch.

hope things get better for your girl soon. Girls can be so mean!