AIBU to be firmer with MIL about childcare and screen rules?

[SMLSML]

I know I'll probably get flamed for this but not sure how to handle it. My MIL looks after our youngest whilst I work from home. She also has our eldest in the holidays. We've had this arrangement for 5 years now. There's a few things I let slide as it's grandparents and free childcare but lately we've been having a few issues with screens, a couple of months ago my eldest said 'mummy nanny put a different version on paw patrol on and it scared me' I asked my MIL and she said she'd put it on on YouTube. I said ah okay, probably isn't the licensed real version, can we just do the netflix one from now on. She struggles to work our TV sometimes so cut to today, brushing my little ones teeth and she says nanny put the scary version of paw patrol on again. I know she's meaning no harm, I was on a lot of meetings today and she probably didn't want to disturb me but this is now the 4th time it's happened 🙃 do I just need to be super forceful with her? There's a few other things as well as my eldest grows are tricky to navigate, like teaching her 'na na na na na' and sticking her fingers in your ears like when you're making fun of someone, just odd behaviour and I don't know why she encourages it. I've voiced my concern and option on bits like this but it falls on deaf ears. Any advice much appreciated. This has all been discussed with my husband and he agrees with it too, we don't want to upset her but equally feel we can't let it slide anymore...

Is this every single day for 5 days a week?

I'm assuming you don't pay her the going rate.

I think you get what you pay for, OP. 5 years free childcare means she's saved you an absolute fortune, but you are not happy with the way she is 'caring' for them. I have no idea what a 'scary' version of Paw Patrol could be, but your MIL sounds like a saint.

Find a registered childminder.

If you want to control which tv programs theyre watching, then you need to be the one putting them on.

A sensible approach would be to teach child to say no thank you not this one and switch the tv off. Or uninstall YouTube and only leave iplayer and a child’s account with CBeebies. Hard to go wrong there once you’ve demonstrated it.

Grandparents get to do silly childish things that are harmless. That’s the fun of them as a child. An nanananan isn’t going to do any harm.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to say no YouTube as some of the videos on there that look like paw patrol or whatever are bloody awful, really horrible stuff, but you do need to help her with other options. You say she struggles with your tv, have you really talked her through it? TVs now can be bloody complicated!
Ultimately though, you can’t force someone to change and if this is a deal breaker, then you need to pay for proper childcare. She’s doing a hell of a lot for you and she’s probably in desperate need of a break here and there so can understand why she puts YouTube on thinking it’s safe.

If it's free childcare then tbh I think you have to suck it up.

Otherwise pay for nursery or a childminder.

I guess if it’s free childcare as you say you’ll have to suck it up. Would you prefer to pay though or is it easier to let it slide?

It depends whether she’s doing all this unpaid work because she wants to or because you want her to. If it’s the former, I think you do have a bit more say, but if it’s the latter, absolutely not. And more, if she’s providing all this childcare free for years, literally saving you tens of thousands, and a bit of the wrong paw patrol is all you’ve got on her, I think you owe her a rather wonderful holiday to say thank you.

Uninstall or block YouTube (or add a passcode she doesn't know). I think it's fine to expect her to not be putting on something scary or inappropriate, but you also need to make it easy for her to avoid those things. The other issues you need to let slide.

Agree with PP. There are some nasty videos on YouTube that superficially look like kids TV shows that trolls make to frighten kids. I wouldn't "suck it up" because it's free childcare.

Are you using YouTube or YouTube kids on the TV? Do you have a profile for your child? I watch a lot of horror and true crime so have completely separate TV profile to keep my kids (and DH to be fair) from seeing anything like that.

Perhaps sit her down and show her in detail how to get the legit version.

Leave instructions how to turn tv on and put onto Netflix

or get kids you tube or player

or pay for childcare

Write out a step by step ‘how to use’ the tv including how to access kids profiles with their paw patrol and CBeebies on it so it’s simple for your mum and say please use this not YouTube as weird stuff comes up on it.

kids are smart enough usually to get there are slightly different rules with mummy and grandma. - if granny allows ‘ na na na na na’ but you say ‘no’ calmly and consistently - unless they have significant Sen they will see that there are different rules in place Ruth different people.

You are really blessed having free childcare - don’t fall out over things that are easily rectified and corrected .

How many days a week does she normally look after your children? She’s maybe relying more on screens because it’s getting tiring to look after them so much. If this is an arrangement you’ve had for five years, have you checked in recently to see if she’s happy to keep having them as much?

Does she go out with them? If she could take them to the library/park/garden centre it would fill in the morning with no screens and then if they watched paw patrol in the afternoon it would be ok.

She's searching it on her own iPad that she brings with her which is why it's harder to block or put controls on

Ask her to download youtube kids

Thanks for all the suggestions, this definitely isn't me having a pop at her and not being grateful for free childcare. She knows how appreciative we are and we regularly take all our family out/buy expensive presents/meals to make up for it as they won't accept anything from us to pay for it. I've already shown her how to work the TV but it just doesn't stick so we're constantly back at square one. I've checked in plenty of times to make sure she's definitely happy still doing it, she wouldn't dream of giving it up.

Does she fully understand the type of content that can be put on accidentally or does she not quite get it? It’s a bit of a minefield these days. My friends mum put what she thought was paw patrol on for my friend’s two kids recently and it was really horrible, hitting the dogs with their vehicles etc, shocking for me let alone a 7 and 4 year old, and her mum was completely blindsided by it, she just had no idea this sort of stuff was all over YouTube, and felt really terrible but she never would’ve realised if my friend hadn’t fully explained it.

Can you put your netflix on her ipad so it is as easy for her as youtube?

My mum & dad didn’t know what was coming on YouTube in their house, or that the video rolls onto the next one. They’re just not familiar with it all, I just told them. It is a bit of a minefield with a tablet, though…

Ah come on now op

i absolutely loved going to my nans, where else would I get peanut butter AND butter sandwiches? Eaten ON THE SOFA! What heaven 😂 read all the books she had as I got older - definitely not mum approved.

we were besties! I miss her every day

what I mean is try not to sweat the small stuff 😊

How many hours of free childcare is she giving you each week?

I always think if people are objecting to what their free childcare looks like, they should go elsewhere and pay for it instead, then they can dictate just how they want it.

I think given she is struggling to work the TV rather than actively choosing unsuitable programmes I would make a step by step guide and print it off and leave it out for her. Do you use YouTube? If not uninstall it.

I’m guessing the usual. We can afford childcare. She insists on doing it. Either say something, put up with it or move and pay.

Or come on here and reject all advice. Always a popular choice!

My mum hasn’t a clue how to work her TV or mine (TBH I don’t blame her! I hate modern tech)

I think you'll get short shrift on here, OP 😬 can you get your MIL to show you what she's shown the kids and watch it yourself/with her to see what the problem is? Leave your TV on Netflix so all she has to do is turn it on and access Paw Patrol there? Provide alternative chilled activities/screen time you're happy with?

Mine is great and looks after my DS once a week, I even got told on here to chill out a bit about certain things. I did struggle with it and going back to work, especially as MIL kept telling us to tell her exactly how we wanted her to do things but then persisting in doing some mild things her own way, and I really didn't want to offend or be ungrateful. We'd tried to get nursery to cover all 3 days as well but they didn't have a space yet for one of the days work gave me.

Anyway - I'd ask your DH to have a word gently and ask what support she needs to avoid doing it going forward. Different toys/printed instructions/money to go out to an activity? Otherwise you could look at a reduction in how many days she's doing or even how many hours, maybe have the kids at a childminder's for a few mornings or something to give her a break?