Would you always want an apology?

[Mamma2737]

If your partner has done something wrong or has been hurtful, would you always want an apology? Or is an admission that they should have done better enough?

DH used to apologise. A sincere “I’m sorry” helps me massively - I get over the issue and forget about it. DH was very sweet in our first few years together but he went through a phase of being a dick due to stress a few years ago - I called him out on it and he apologised. I continue to call him out when I think he’s being inconsiderate to me. At some point between then and now he said he was walking on eggshells around me. But I said it’s not walking on eggshells to be a considerate person and thoughtful with your words. He is more considerate now, but he apologises a lot less, not for the small things anyway. And then the apologies are more “I’m sorry you feel that way” apologies, or there is the implication that he only partially agrees with me. So I continue to feel irritated at whatever the issue was even if he accepts that he should have done better.

I don’t know if this is a sign of a relationship falling apart or whether I am being too demanding, wanting a sincere “sorry” for small things. This last year has been tense and tiring with a new baby and an older child with complex needs among other things so we’ve both been a bit tense with each other. Maybe I need to tell myself to forget the small stuff because overall he is a good guy.

Also I know I’m not perfect and I say the wrong thing often too, but I do apologise with an unreserved straightforward “I’m sorry”.

I guess it depends how small the small stuff is. Forgetting the small stuff makes life easier and less petty, nobody is perfect, but if the small stuff is him calling you names and never cleaning up after himself then that’s not ok.

Not everything needs an apology, surely? What sort of things are you on about? If you are wanting so many apologies, maybe it’s not him that’s inconsiderate, rather you might be too pernickety?
The fact he feels he is walking on eggshells is what points to this.

For example, I’ve been ill and am now better but exhausted. DH has taken two days off to look after the baby. Today he handed me the baby to feed, then disappeared for an hour without telling me where he was.

Both kids were dysregulated and I didn’t have the physical strength to manage. I was literally dragging myself upstairs, downstairs, through windows and calling for DH, and was about to call him on his phone when I eventually saw him in a corner of the garden doing some gardening. It’s a long overdue task that he probably thought he would get done while it was quiet, but I was thinking you’re taking the day off to help me with the kids, especially the baby, not do jobs around the house.

I told him later that it was stressful and he said maybe he should have announced it before he went into the garden, and I agreed. That’s it. If he’d said sorry I would have been fine. But he didn’t so I’m still annoyed and writing about it on MN. 😂

Yeah that one’s you being petty.

I don’t need apologies for everything, like he forgets to take out the bins or whatever. But if says something inconsiderate that unintentionally hurts me?

Only if it is heartfelt. Don't see the point of forcing an apology.

Having to walk-on-eggshells in your own home is horrendous, nothing you say is right and things can explode at the drop-of-a-hat! For a while we were like that with our teenage daughter and the environment felt toxic and very uncomfortable. Fortunately, she grew out of it pretty quickly!

If he genuinely feels like he can’t just be himself around you, then there’s an issue in your relationship that urgently needs addressing. Sit-down and discuss the issues calmly.

I think when you want an apology for most little things you think are inconsiderate then it cheapens it.

He's told you he feels like he's walking on eggshells. I'd probably pay attention to that because it sounds as if he's henpecked IMO.

It'll get to the point where he dreads coming home.

That’s not what he did though, he was gardening while you fed the baby. He did nothing wrong

It’s not for actions like not cleaning up after yourself or whatever, it’s more about his behaviour to me, being a little unkind (in my eyes) because he’s tired or stressed. But he thinks he’s just feeling tired and stressed. And I guess I don’t actually call him out on everything anymore because we are
both tired. But when I do he doesn’t apologise for it.

You sound quite controlling

I’m sorry but this does sound like maybe you need to be a bit more tolerant. I thought you were going to say he’d dumped the kids on you and gone out to do his own thing but he was actually doing something for your home

He disappeared for an hour without telling me leaving me with the two children when I was still ill. I can barely carry the baby to change her. It’s fine when they are fine but they easily tip over - he knows this.

Do you apologise to him for making him feel like he's walking on eggshells around you?

Sorry to me means that you won’t do it again. So it doesn’t mean a lot to just say sorry if you keep on doing it. Your way seems to use sorry as some start over clean sheet which means you can keep saying the wrong thing. I think you’re attaching too much value to that word and not enough to genuine care for each other. I don’t know about him obviously but you could sound, as is sometimes said on here, hard work.

He was in the garden. You could have called him
first rather than trying to walk around the house, and in your words you are better now but exhausted. He’s your partner not your servant. Even if it annoyed you a little it wasn’t deliberate, you don’t need an apology for this.

Ok I appreciate the sharp replies. I’ll give my some more thought to being more tolerant. But really, if he says something that feels unkind because he is tired, I should just leave it? Or mention it and leave it?

I don’t do this for my SEN child. DH is mostly good with him, but he has moments when he forgets he has SEN and is very unfair to him. So I pull him up on that immediately every time because I don’t want DC to internalise it and I don’t want DH to think it’s ok.

I don't think you're being petty with the gardening example. It would have been nice if he checked with you / discussed it with you first.

I've found this a little in my own relationship lately. Partly it feels like a strengthening of the relationship, that we're more one unit but it feels the more we gel into each other the less romantic it is, that we've stopped rooting for each other & do better to treat each other well. Our needs change over time.

Apologies are really only meaningful if it’s something in particular you can acknowledge you fucked up with or should have done something differently had you considered it beforehand but didn’t. It sounds like both of you are currently in the dirge of raising small children where you’re both tired and doing the best you can. It doesn’t lend itself well to apologies if your best on either side is being done but just sometimes falling short. You both need to go easier on each other and accept “I’ll try to do better tomorrow.”

That’s interesting - that you see it as a strength. Less need for reassurance is a good thing I agree. Maybe I’m being too demanding after all and I should just let more of it slide over me.

These threads always end in drip feeds. OP keeps adding things so that the opinion changes. Now he is mean to a SEN child, but that wasnt bad enough to start the thread about.

If he says something unkind I’d pull him on it, if he says something that ‘feels unkind’ I’d check myself whether I was just being sensitive and looking for fault before mentioning it. Sometimes a human can make a mistake and it doesn’t require the words ‘I’m sorry’, sometimes a quick discussion is fine. He’s responsible for treating you well but he’s not responsible for your every feeling and wish

We talked about it at the time (when things were worse) and I said I don’t want him to feel like he’s walking on eggshells, but I won’t be treated like shit either.

What’s an example of something unkind? Because I agree with others about your last example with him
gardening. You aren’t owed an apology for that.

So no then?