Would you always want an apology?

[Mamma2737]

If your partner has done something wrong or has been hurtful, would you always want an apology? Or is an admission that they should have done better enough?

DH used to apologise. A sincere “I’m sorry” helps me massively - I get over the issue and forget about it. DH was very sweet in our first few years together but he went through a phase of being a dick due to stress a few years ago - I called him out on it and he apologised. I continue to call him out when I think he’s being inconsiderate to me. At some point between then and now he said he was walking on eggshells around me. But I said it’s not walking on eggshells to be a considerate person and thoughtful with your words. He is more considerate now, but he apologises a lot less, not for the small things anyway. And then the apologies are more “I’m sorry you feel that way” apologies, or there is the implication that he only partially agrees with me. So I continue to feel irritated at whatever the issue was even if he accepts that he should have done better.

I don’t know if this is a sign of a relationship falling apart or whether I am being too demanding, wanting a sincere “sorry” for small things. This last year has been tense and tiring with a new baby and an older child with complex needs among other things so we’ve both been a bit tense with each other. Maybe I need to tell myself to forget the small stuff because overall he is a good guy.

Also I know I’m not perfect and I say the wrong thing often too, but I do apologise with an unreserved straightforward “I’m sorry”.

This is too funny not to respond to. Yes starting when he was a teenager he love bombed me for over a decade and then he revealed his true self. 👍

I love this. So simple but sounds so effective. I am going to try this.

Thanks, this is a good. For SEN kids and challenging behaviour we assume that they are doing the best they can and work from there. I should apply more of this to our relationship.

It sounds like you try and parent him. He’s your equal, not a child that needs to be taught what to do if you feel he’s been unkind.

Given that OP is unwell and her DH had taken time off so that she could rest, I reckon it's completely reasonable to expect him to ask about going into the garden/doing jobs that would make him unavailable.

It would be a different story if OP was feeling well (mind you, most normal couples I know will generally inform their partner e.g. "I'm just going to do those odd jobs in the garden", rather than just disappearing...).

It’s amazing! I don’t get snappy because I don’t think he’s trying to piss me off and he doesn’t feel got at and vice versa. We still have our snappy moments but again try to assume best intent and that the other is stressed or had a bad day. If he’s snappy I generally flash him my boobs and he forgets he’s had a bad day and we end up laughing!!!

Absolutely not.

I don’t care if my DH was on his death bed, I would never ask permission to go somewhere in my own house/garden.

I wasn’t asking for permission. But he disappeared for an hour and didn’t tell me where he was when I’m still weak and struggling to get around the house and left two high needs children with me. If he had just told me “I’m going to the garden to do a big job” then I wouldn’t have questioned it.

As I said before, it’s all fine with the two kids until it isn’t. And then it’s really shit, even when you’re well.

😂😂😂. I’m definitely going to try it as my first thoughts go to thinking he’s doing it to upset me or piss me off which is never really the case.

In my opinion, what you truly wanted was to share the burden of childcare. I think his reaction comes across as slightly defensive, whether he intended it or not.

Yeah but you could have just phoned him rather than dragging yourself all over the house

He doesn’t usually have it with him at home.

I was impressed that you managed to drag yourself through windows though!

Thanks for your input.

Of course

How very noble of you, not to 'call him out' on everything! I'm sure he is inordinately grateful to you. Of course you never, ever annoy him so you don't have to bother apologising. Were I him I'd be down the garden cutting the grass with nail scissors.

Of course I realise I must annoy him too - I said early on I wasn’t perfect and I apologise every time. He manages it better than I do. I’m trying to see things differently here. But by all means be critical and hurtful to someone asking for help.

Well he’s usually got it an audiobook or it’s lying around. Not everyone has their phone at hand.

What illness do you have?

You were about to call him after dragging yourself around the house, you could have tried to do it before you did all that.

I’ll just get my time machine and give that useful advice to my past self, thanks.

Give your husband a heads up before he heads into the garden too 👍

😂

He is living life policing his words, that’s the definition of walking on eggshells.