Would you always want an apology?

[Mamma2737]

If your partner has done something wrong or has been hurtful, would you always want an apology? Or is an admission that they should have done better enough?

DH used to apologise. A sincere “I’m sorry” helps me massively - I get over the issue and forget about it. DH was very sweet in our first few years together but he went through a phase of being a dick due to stress a few years ago - I called him out on it and he apologised. I continue to call him out when I think he’s being inconsiderate to me. At some point between then and now he said he was walking on eggshells around me. But I said it’s not walking on eggshells to be a considerate person and thoughtful with your words. He is more considerate now, but he apologises a lot less, not for the small things anyway. And then the apologies are more “I’m sorry you feel that way” apologies, or there is the implication that he only partially agrees with me. So I continue to feel irritated at whatever the issue was even if he accepts that he should have done better.

I don’t know if this is a sign of a relationship falling apart or whether I am being too demanding, wanting a sincere “sorry” for small things. This last year has been tense and tiring with a new baby and an older child with complex needs among other things so we’ve both been a bit tense with each other. Maybe I need to tell myself to forget the small stuff because overall he is a good guy.

Also I know I’m not perfect and I say the wrong thing often too, but I do apologise with an unreserved straightforward “I’m sorry”.

Surely in this scenario an acknowledgement and awareness of what could have been better in the communication between you is actually more meaningful than a 'sorry'?
In my view an apology is meaningless unless it comes with understanding of what the issue was, what could have been dealt with differently etc.

I also think in this specific scenario you sound like you may have overreacted.

so you think he needs to ask permission before he leaves the house to go into the garden?!

that’s batshit

Lol at the responses. He pissed off when his wife needed him without discussion. House stuff is less important than health stuff & if he needed a break or to do it they could have chatted first & OP would have had a chance to say she didn't feel well enough.

Sorry means something to you and you are one half of the relationship. He knows an apology will mean something to you just as you can also adjust yourself (relax a little) to support him. I also like a sorry & my DH likes action. Neither is right or wrong! A lot of these posters are just taking their own views & making it universal. You've made the mistake of showing emotion and vulnerability and asserting what you want which is Mumsnet troll cat nip.

It sounds like you both just need some child free time together to remind each other why you married. Marriages don't just happen, they're hard work from both sides.

He’s not a dick because of stress!!! He’s a narcissist who love bombed you to start with and now is behaving like his real self!

If he says something unkind to you, tell-him he’s hurt your feelings. He then decides if he wants to apologise to you or not. Don’t ask for one. If he doesn’t and it definitely did warrant an apology then you don’t have to put up with him.

Thinking about what warrants an apology or not may teach you need to lighten up a bit too.

This confirms it for me...you are having a go at him for claiming to be tired and stressed yet you're the one overreacting to a nothing situation because you're tired and stressed. It comes across somewhat hypocritical.

Where have you made that reach from?

Well I know how to deal with that. For my child Dh and I are stronger together. And it takes time to unlearn what you have been taught by your own parents. He is making an effort and it is getting better but shit slips out sometimes.

I realise I’m not perfect either and I also make mistakes with parenting and I tell him and myself we have to forgive ourselves and try better.

I just don’t know how to apply that to our relationship with these micro-unkindnesses.

Typical mumsnet man hating hysteria.

Wow!

A woman scorned, by any chance?

Who said anything about asking permission? It should at least have been a discussion, "I want to garden. Are you going to be well enough to watch the kids while I'm out there? Call me if you need me."

He knows his wife is too ill to do childcare. Why would he go off and do something else without checking she was well enough to take care of the kids solo while he's in the garden?

The only thing that's batshit is how low your expectations are.

OP, get off this thread. Go do something, anything that cheers you up whether that's Insta reels or whatever.

You won't find support here, just judgement and negativity. Mumsnet evening scrollers hate a woman who dares to demand decent treatment. Go!

If people don’t want to apologise that’s fine, but “I’m sorry you feel like that” or “I’m sorry this has happened” give me the absolute rage and are like red rag to a bull. Apologise or don’t, but don’t use faux-pologies

Some people really seem to have an aversion to saying sorry. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't regret their actions and are un-bothered that they upset you though. Though I guess it could be if coupled by other selfish behaviour.

It depends on the things you want the sorrys for. And how much actual emotional or practical damage they caused.

But showing you've improved your behaviour is actually much better than an insincere apology that the person thinks means they are forgiven and then do the same thing all over again.

We need more information. Micro-aggressions - give some examples. If I unintentionally ruffled my dhs feathers he won't get a heartfelt apology- more a "oh, sorry, didn't mean it like that". If we had an argument and I have said hurtful stuff like "we are so much better when you're not here" (which tbh is partly true, but unkind) then I do apologie for hurting him.

I agree with this!

Say sorry or don’t. There’s no need to add anything, except if you’re asked ‘what are you sorry for?’ Ofcourse, meaning their own actions. Not sorry for the way others are feeling because of their actions.

DH and I are really good communicators and have a great relationship. But both of us have, on rare occasion, said “I’m sorry you feel that way” about things we’ve disagreed on, because we don’t want to argue about it but also don’t want to capitulate and say that we’re sorry for behaviour when we don’t feel sorry because we think it was warranted in the circumstances.

DH and I always say in a roundabout way to wrap things up, and perhaps with not the exact words “let’s talk about this later when immediate feelings have died down, and see how the other feels about this then.” But that’s the intention. Sometimes we do. Sometimes the one of us with the gripe, after a couple of hours working it out in their head, realises it’s all okay. Would that work for you?

It's not like he buggered off out and left, he was in the garden 🤣 why would he need to apologise?! Surly they become meaningless when you make him apologize for living!

Are you studying his behaviour waiting for an opportunity to demand an apology? It is coming across that way to me reading that.

Dragging yourself around the house and calling out of windows sounds like you were either being dramatic or needed medical attention and shouldn't have been in charge of children

What’s a “micro-unkindness”?

I would want an apology but just saying “sorry” would not always cut it for me. It’s easy to say sorry but I don’t like it as a default response in all situations. I would want my partner to understand what went wrong and why because in many cases it might be just misunderstanding. So I would focus on discussing disagreements rather than if he was sorry or not.
It doesn’t apply to all situations but it definitely applies to the garden story. It doesn’t matter if he is sorry or not he needs to understand what your expectations are/ what kind of help you need etc. If there was rude words / calling names of course I would expect apology for them. But without apology he still should look after children and help you with essential tasks you can’t do. I would just go into functional mode and focus on it.

From your posts you have SEN child and small baby and you are not well. It’s A LOT. I wonder if it’s the case when taking a task from you automatically adds to your partner’s load and now you both are overtired and stressed. Can you outsource some help and drop standards/ simplify life?

He was in the garden!!

He didn’t go for a drive for 5 hours and not answer your calls, he was literally on your property.

YABVU and I wonder if you’re quite controlling.

To want him to apologise for ‘disappearing’ is actually shocking behaviour and there’s no way I would be saying sorry - you should be saying sorry to him.

Oh dear @HappyShaker …. Low expectations? How? If a woman posted that she couldn’t go into the back garden without running it past her husband people would call it controlling!

My husband stopped apologising years ago, and I took it to mean that he wasn’t particularly arsed about my feelings any more. Instead he would get annoyed and throw it back at me.

We’re divorced now…