Would you always want an apology?

[Mamma2737]

If your partner has done something wrong or has been hurtful, would you always want an apology? Or is an admission that they should have done better enough?

DH used to apologise. A sincere “I’m sorry” helps me massively - I get over the issue and forget about it. DH was very sweet in our first few years together but he went through a phase of being a dick due to stress a few years ago - I called him out on it and he apologised. I continue to call him out when I think he’s being inconsiderate to me. At some point between then and now he said he was walking on eggshells around me. But I said it’s not walking on eggshells to be a considerate person and thoughtful with your words. He is more considerate now, but he apologises a lot less, not for the small things anyway. And then the apologies are more “I’m sorry you feel that way” apologies, or there is the implication that he only partially agrees with me. So I continue to feel irritated at whatever the issue was even if he accepts that he should have done better.

I don’t know if this is a sign of a relationship falling apart or whether I am being too demanding, wanting a sincere “sorry” for small things. This last year has been tense and tiring with a new baby and an older child with complex needs among other things so we’ve both been a bit tense with each other. Maybe I need to tell myself to forget the small stuff because overall he is a good guy.

Also I know I’m not perfect and I say the wrong thing often too, but I do apologise with an unreserved straightforward “I’m sorry”.

Being unkind to my children would make me want to punch any man in the face. Its actively harmful and certainly isn’t something that would happen repeatedly.

You feel like you feel but it is worth being a bit challenging on whether it’s a reasonable feeling in context and what is a reasonable way to respond. It’s reasonable to say how him gardening rather than being available during that hour when you didn’t know where he was made you feel, but it’s not reasonable to only feel satisfied if he responds in a very particular way, as your DH isn’t you has his own feelings and perspectives. For me my DH not apologising for doing exactly what I want him to do or not anticipating my needs when we are both stressed and tired isn’t really here or there. The reasonable thing is to find ways to reduce the stress and tiredness.

I typed and retyped a response as I was kindly trying to put words in a non-confrontational way however I can’t. OP, you are coming across as controlling and going to drive your DH away if you don’t examine this further and make healthy changes now.

You’re overreacting. No apology is needed.

Oh dear you not understanding the basic context here. It would be a reasonable discussion regardless if DH/DW initiated it if one were ill and to show consideration to that.

It does sound a bit like you're the behaviour police. If he's always needing to apologise then he probably will feel a bit got at, does he not learn from his "mistakes"? That's more useful than apologising. Going into the garden for an hour to do a job doesn't sound like a massive deal, but if it's the last straw of him not pulling his weight it's a different matter. It does sound exhausting having to pull him up on stuff all the time, but it might be you being a bit OTT, what would happen if you just left him to it, ignored the comments, let him make his own mistakes, stopped asking for apologies. Would it take some pressure off.

OP I don't think I disagree with you necessarily. But relationships don't need to have everyone in their best behaviour all of the time. Do you know what? Sometimes I am tired and a bit of a twat, and DP is sometimes too. I don't expect an apology for every time he handles something less than perfectly. When one of us fucks up we don't necessarily apologise, we do acknowledge our flaws though. I honestly agree with the previous poster who said the more of a team you become, the more you gel into a unit then niggles feel like a team issue to sort rather than individual crimes.

If DP has snapped, I know him well enough to give him the benefit of the doubt that he's trying to do right but is tired/hungry/stressed and I see it as a sign that he needs some support. Same the other way around. If I am angry, it's not because I don't respect DP or love my family, it's because I'm human and sometimes I haven't slept well or I have a headache and I can't always give my best in every situation. DP generally looks to provide care before looking for an apology.

This, but this also is hugely dramatic.. . I was literally dragging myself upstairs, downstairs, through windows and calling for DH, and was about to call him on his phone
why wouldn’t that be the first thing if you are bed bound? Why would you drag yourself through windows?

Thanks for the considered replies. Also the sharp ones, some of them.

I don’t demand an apology, I tell
DH when I’m not happy about something. I guess I’m just disappointed an apology is no longer forthcoming but maybe that’s not really necessary is he understands
my upset.

For those saying DH being in the garden was not a big deal, he was in a corner you can’t see from the house. I didn’t know where he was and I had two dysregulated children, and just picking up my baby or going up the stairs was making me out of breath. I don’t keep tabs on him all the time but I wanted to hand the baby to him as I was feeling a bit desperate in the moment and I didn’t know where he was. I wouldn’t have felt that way if I wasn’t ill.

I think it’s always a risk posting on AIBU, @Mamma2737. Lots of OPs this past week have received an avalanche of harsh responses. And bottom line, some posters on here seem to like being arseholes to women. They could be anyone btw (and not necessarily other women).

Maybe try the Relationships board?

I’m sorry you’re knackered and fed up. These are difficult years, that’s for sure.

Thank you for the kinder replies. I have been on MN long enough to not let the harsh responses get to me. In the past I would reply to every one!

you sound a bit like my other half. I’m always trying to figure out what the ‘correct’ thing to do is, and honestly just get fed up of saying sorry for stuff that I don’t think I did wrong. Sometimes stuff happens not in the way we’d have wanted, but doesn’t mean anyone did anything wrong. He grew up in a very strict, rule driven house hold so think he was used to apologising a lot for things that I wouldn't considering reasons to apologise

It is telling that you can’t give an example of these ‘micro unkindnesses’ or of being treated like shit.

I don’t want to rake over them again in my mind or put them in writing on the internet. I wrote threads under a different name at the time when they were plain unkindnesses and received a range of responses.

This is helpful to read the other side. If your DH said to you, what you said hurt my feelings, wouldn’t you want to say sorry though?

I get that I may be too hung up on a word though. I guess things were getting better for a while and only this last year it’s gotten so much worse, he’s saying it less and I’m wanting to hear it more.

DH probably feels like he can’t do right. Recently he was under stress and truely awful to me at the start of the day which was meant to be a special one, so I didn’t even give him a chance to apologise, I left and did my own thing. He did say sorry later but he also said he felt he couldn’t say the wrong thing without ruining the day. I told him that he was the one that ruined that day, but I understood what he meant about me needing a little while to process bad feelings before I feel back to normal again.

I imagine the root of this is the invisible load you carry which he doesnt acknowledge & lack of apology when wrong feeds in to that. Im in the same boat. The resentment festers because hes inconsiderate in general, unthoughttul, will happily take time away himself - where-as I feel the need to "ask". No advice im afraid, its shit & the beginning of the end.

Maybe it would help if you tried to pick your battles more carefully for the sake of harmony. Sometimes you have to make a choice between being seen to be right or being happy.

That’s true. Honestly I don’t make everything into a battle - I do realise when to give myself a talking to and I ask for some space until I feel not annoyed. I just wish I could get there faster, that I could let these things bounce off me.

I tell myself all the time with my child that a lot of the challenging behaviour is because of SEN and I can best address it when he is regulated - it makes it so much easier to stay calm in the moment. I should probably do the same with DH and remind myself that there’s a lot of stress and tiredness there. On the one hand I feel like this isn’t what I/we signed up for, that I just want to be spoken to respectfully and kindly. But maybe I should be more forgiving of little slip ups and let more of it go.

This sounds like no way to live. He says or does something and you take offense and this is going on all the time.

If you're in such constant low level conflict and he has told you he feels like he's walking on eggshells, why don't you guys see a marriage counselor?

What I'm hearing are you're trying to micromanage what you see as micro aggressions. Maybe you guys just aren't compatible living together.

If you were so sick you couldn't walk, you should be seeking medical attention. You should have had him feed the baby and then see what's going on.

I can't believe the replies on here. Of course it's awful to leave one ill parent struggling to take care of two kids while you do a relaxing and completely non urgent job, and don't even have the courtesy to let them know this is what you're doing!

I don't think you're unreasonable at all OP to expect proper support.

Hubs and I always assume best intent, if this was us I’d just assume that he thought he was doing something good by doing the garden and if I couldn’t find him I’d give him a ring and say my love I’m struggling with the kids would you mind nipping back in. I wouldn’t need an apology because I’d assume that he wasn’t doing it to piss me off!

ill always apologise if we’ve had a row and I’ve said something deliberately mean, but often he will get upset even if I’ve not said something hurtful, I may have just used a tone he thinks was odd, or I’ve said it in a confusing way and he’s taken that as I’m trying to get at him, or asked him a question which is about something that he is annoyed about. I often say to him that unless someone is trying to be nasty or deliberately being rude/mean, it’s not fair to be like that. He has a tendency to do it at work and with friends as well, often gets easily offended if someone doesn’t call back or says something in a ‘funny way’. He’s much better now, as I try and explain that you don’t know what type of day that other person is having and they may not be trying to be mean! Funny thing is, he’s a very direct person himself and often rubs people up the wrong way

I think I get why you are particularly cross and stressed today. When DS was a toddler , DH used to find garden jobs to do , anything to excuse him buggering off and avoiding childcare . He would do this at the weekends or any time that he might have more than an hour of looking after his child . I could never find him and he couldn’t hear because he had earphones in . It was infuriating!

DH is supposed to be childcare but has found
this desperately urgent garden job so that he can hide away. He didn’t tell her where he was going on purpose and that is a dick
move

This is exactly how I try to explain things to my husband! He’s slowly getting there

I get what you’re saying. DH comes from a very tense and shouty household with mean siblings so for him to raise his voice at home was quite normal. Whereas I came from the opposite, very repressed household that made anger felt in different ways, but I ended up being very sensitive to tone and completely unused to being shouted at. So I guess we are not compatible in that way - it wasn’t really an issue until we had children and life actually hit us! I want to meet in the middle though.

We use my darling and my love a lot. My darling could you take the bin out somehow sounds less negative