AIBU to worry my only child will feel lonely growing up?

[Daffodilsinbunches]

I have one child - he’s 7. I found pregnancy mostly fine but post partum I really struggled - both mentally and emotionally.
Me & my partner don’t have much of a support network nearby so it was really, really hard (and still is).
Our son never really slept and even now at times he’s up at 5am, but the usual for him is around 6am.
He’s got AUDHD, as have I and most likely his dad too. He’s really quite intense and easily overwhelmed.

All this made me realise I can’t go through it all again. I nearly ended up being sectioned the first time. I even remember going to the doctors about something to do with him when he was around 6 weeks old and I was just sobbing. But also extremely angry and ended up shouting at the receptionist. They were very dark days for me. Very lonely and isolating.
He was admitted to hospital via ambulance when he was 8 weeks old as he had broncholitis. It was terrifying for me and extremely traumatic watching them put a breathing & feeding tube into him as a tiny baby.

I know socially it could be different now, as I have more friends locally than in my life than I had 7/8 years ago, however my partner is pretty much dead set on not having anymore and he’s 45 this year , I’m going to be 37.

I just want to know that my son’s life won’t be awfully lonely and depressing as an only child.

Again this is important to acknowledge that this a genuine feeling and something I'm sure some parents do consider. But as said above, nothing is guaranteed. Me and my siblings will never meet up to share memories.

Again I am not saying this to dismiss your view or feelings. They are important. However if you've reached your capacity as a parent with one, I don't think it's reason enough to put yourself through having a second and making it a miserable experience all round just in the off chance they might share memories in 60 years time.

But I'm not dismissing how hard this is for you. Do you have a partner or even close friends? Me and my husband have spent a lot of time looking through photos and speaking through memories as I do with friends. I can appreciate it is not the same as speaking about it with someone who was there with you, but it is a chance to speak about those that have gone and keep their memory alive so to speak.

There’s a 6 year gap between me and my sister, so we grew up in very different stages. We now live on different continents and speak a few times a week, but she’s more like a good friend than a sibling as we weren’t close growing up.

So having another child, especially with a large age gap, doesn’t guarantee that your DC won’t be lonely.

I think it’s more important that you plan for your own future and stay fit and independent in old age. This will make a big difference in your child’s middle age if they don’t have a sibling. DH is an only child. MIL expects a lot of our time and money! I’d be less resentful if she hadn’t retired very early, had made herself more self sufficient and was an easier person to be around.

We home ed so know a lot of families with varying amounts of AuDHD children - honestly, having just one is so much easier for both you and him.
There is no guarantee that a second child would have similar needs, and it becomes hugely harder to coregulate and support two children at different stages who also have requirements which are directly in conflict with what the other desperately needs - to say nothing of your own need for regulation and sensory profile etc.
By sticking at one you also have more money to devote to making sure your current child can have the most suitable 'habitat' and for any support such as paying for therapies etc - right up to possible future needs such as requiring single accommodation at uni rather a busy hall, etc.

An age gap this big (if you got pregnant very soon, your oldest would be 8 when the sibling was born) brings other challenges and doesn't mean a child won't feel lonely.

I have never really got on with my 3 years older brother and we have no contact apart from a Christmas card. I love my 9 years younger brother and we're very close. But I left home at 18, leaving him the only child at home and he was absolutely bereft.

Only child issues aside, I never get all the fretting over age gaps on here and that past a certain age means siblings don't get on or will have nothing in common.

I have a twin and I couldn't tell you the last time we spoke and we aren't close at all. Absolutely zero in common. Yet I have friends who are very close to siblings who are 8-9 years apart.

I’m in pretty much the same situation, we have no support network and it’s so hard and relentless. DS has disabilities too so there’s no way we’d risk having another, plus it wouldn’t be fair.
He will have no cousins or wider family to look out for him and it does worry me but there’s not much we can do now. I wouldn’t say I regret having him but I wouldn’t do it again, knowing what I do now.
On good days, I hope he will find a friend in life, things might change with his ability to share space with others, who knows.

Me! I am very close to my cousin, would say she is one of my closest friends. I don’t talk to my sister but I talk to my cousin on a weekly basis and see her regularly!

I have an only child. I never ever ever wanted another, and selfishly even if I thought DD really wanted a sibling, I still could not have found that enough of a reason to do it.

I absolutely LOATHED being pregnant, and found the early years monotonous and unfulfilled. The plan was to be a SAHM until she started school, I made it to just over a year before I found a childminder and focused on growing the small business I started (good job i did, as my marriage failed only a couple of years later, and the time I spent building that business meant I was financially safe upon divorce).

She ADORES being an only child and regularly talks about how much she'd hate sharing her parents time, effort and finances with another person.

She has grown up around adults and now at 14 is very comfortable speaking to any adult in any situation, can hold an intelligent conversation on just about any subject with her own measured opinion.

I think honestly more people should consider having less children than more, and focus on making sure they have everything they need and (to a lesser extent) want as they grow up.

It is if your issue is worrying about loneliness!!!

You are going to have a 10 year old who is suddenly left without their older siblings company if they leave at 18.

A lot of 18 year olds still live at home. And even so, how much company is an 18 year old going to be for a 10 year old anyway? Surely most 18 year olds want to be with their friends than ensuring they are made to stay at home to prevent their younger sibling from being lonely.

This comes down to this black and white thinking some people have that siblings and only siblings can somehow prevent a person being lonely.

I have no negative opinions on only children or big age gaps etc. Every scenario has upsides and downsides depending on how you view it or experience of it. But I never understand that people bring a child into this world to prevent their first one being "lonely".

Children are people in their own right and have a right to their own life. They shouldn't be brought into this world to fulfill the supposed needs of the eldest and that it's their duty and responsibility to prevent their sibling from being lonely.

Of course good sibling relationships are beneficial but they shouldn't be placed with this burden they are responsible for their siblings loneliness.

That was actually part of my initial point about it being too late already anyway.

I'm one of three, and I have 2. My desire to have more than one child came from me actively enjoying motherhood and child rearing, and not at all to do with giving my children siblings.

As one of three, we all get on fine, but we are not particularly close. I speak to my friends more than my siblings. Growing up, we would hang out with each other on holiday, and family days out of course, but once were old enough to be doing our own thing we had our own friends and spent much more time with them. Maybe it's because of our age gaps, or the mix of boys and girls, but I wouldn't consider my siblings people I am terribly close to, they would not be my first port of call for a chat if I was feeling lonely. Probably not even top 10.

My parents are putting in place arrangements for power of attorney, executor of wills etc at the moment. They have asked me if I will hold the POA and be the executor. Not my siblings. I have said yes I will, and yes I will discuss/consult with them as decisions are made, but that if I am the named decision maker they will need to accept that sometimes I might make a decision that they don't agree with. We're not even there yet and I can see it being difficult to manage.

So basically have the number of children YOU want and you can handle, and not because of some idealistic view of a bunch of siblings who adore each other throughout their lives. They may, they may not, but what's important is the life you can give your child(ren) and if the best for you is an only, then that's the way to go.

My only is nearly 14 and couldn’t care less about siblings. He likes his life, people when he wants them and peace when he doesn’t! My friend went on to have 2 more after her first, I assumed they would at least keep each other entertained (like me and my sister did) but turns out they don’t and she has to entertain them all separately, she’s totally exhausted with it. I think there’s so many different ways it can go, really the actual number of children is almost kind of irrelevant!

I totally sympathise that elder care can be hard if you're on your own but some only child can have tunnel vision in thinking that a sibling will instantly make things better for them without fully understanding the complications it can bring.

My parents have set it up that me and my eldest sibling will have joint POA. We don't speak now and in fact I'd go as far to say I actively dislike them. I can't see any reason how we'll suddenly become best friends and these amazing pillars of support should it reach a point where my parents need us to take on the joint POA. I can see it being an absolute shit show and probably the final nail in the coffin for our already fractured relationship and something that's going to cause a huge amount of stress for me.

Exactly - and even for siblings who are close I think it can be an extremely trying time. My mum is very close to her sister but was really upset with the way some of the things were handled around my grandpa's death.

I feel for you, navigating POA/end of life care jointly with a sibling you are not on great terms with does indeed sound like a recipe for disaster and not an activity likely to bring you closer together.

It would be hard to shoulder the burden entirely alone as an only, but not necessarily harder than anyone else trying to get it done with difficult siblings.

Agree with this. I have a large age gap with my sibling and found it more annoying than nice when they were born. Never speak to them and haven’t in years.

Very true. Plus Uni fees/costs if they want to go. We've paid accommodation fees for 4 years for our elsest who will graduate in July then her brother will start Sept maybe for 4 years aswell. So paying for Uni accommodation for 8 years in a row. I realise not every kid goes to Uni but they are very expensive when they hit 17 and they want driving lessons etc, borrow parents cars/get insured etc. (& yes mine both had p/t jobs/summer jobs from age 16 but it doesn't cover everything)

I’m an only child - for my generation it was unusual and I used to get a lot of unpleasant comments about it - but honestly I had a great childhood and loneliness wasn’t an issue.

My son (11) is also an only, it’s very different for his generation, lots more only kids about and also the trend for bigger sibling age gaps means a lot of his friends aren’t particularly close to their siblings.

Being loved, looked after and supported matter far more.

Its very difgicult. At 72 Im still wondering if one child would have been better. And seeing how some siblings are together I can understand parents stopping at 2! But you both have to want a second one, you need to be able to afford a second one. And tbh I think thats a huge gap in ahes that maybe cause problems

My two fight so much at times. Sibling relationships bring a huge amount of challenges along with any good. Do what is right for the family, not a decision made from guilt.

Sorry you had such a tough time post party. Its such a brutal phase. I really feel for you and hope youre able to heal from that time.

I have one although that wasn’t my choice. In fact I was lucky to conceive her. She used to be desperate for a sibling and I used to cry over it. She’d still love one but she’s fine. She has friends and has things that she wouldn’t necessarily have if we had other kids like expensive school trips and things. Plus she is way more mature than her peers. I have a friend who is an only. She is happy with it and has a great relationship with her parents. Lots of people hate their siblings. I love my brother but he’s never been my best mate.

My child was an only until age 13. My friends joke and say it’s like I’m raising 2 onlies because they don’t have that typical sibling relationship. They do very different activities and my eldest has more of a parent relationship with her sibling. Which is cute, but I felt bad about it.

However, when I was raising my first, I came to peace with her being an only. I saw that she had amazing friends and when she’s older she can have a strong friendship group that will act as siblings. As an adult I find that my friends are like chosen family.

It sounds like you worry a lot.

Maybe spend some time coming to peace with your decision. And if you ever become pregnant again, unplanned (as I did), the first pregnancy isn’t always the same. I had PND with my first and really enjoyed my second, although have had worrying times.

You obviously care about your son, but be glad that you can do everything for him now. And he gets the privilege of not having to share his parents.

Ahh OP you've been through a lot and have made a great decision for yourself AND your son not to have any more. Society is always ramming it down our throats that it's the norm to have 2 but that's a poor reason to have another. Please don't feel guilty. Your son has a great life and will be OK.

Nothing wrong with you at all; you were very unwell and it’s sensible not to risk it again. Your DS won’t be lonely if he has friends and you facilitate him seeing friends. Arrange friends to play over school holidays and all will be well.

Both my elderly parents are only children and they’ve been just fine. My daughter is an only and quite happy with that. She’s just a teen and has her own tribe. Her bestie is an only also.