AIBU to worry my only child will feel lonely growing up?

[Daffodilsinbunches]

I have one child - he’s 7. I found pregnancy mostly fine but post partum I really struggled - both mentally and emotionally.
Me & my partner don’t have much of a support network nearby so it was really, really hard (and still is).
Our son never really slept and even now at times he’s up at 5am, but the usual for him is around 6am.
He’s got AUDHD, as have I and most likely his dad too. He’s really quite intense and easily overwhelmed.

All this made me realise I can’t go through it all again. I nearly ended up being sectioned the first time. I even remember going to the doctors about something to do with him when he was around 6 weeks old and I was just sobbing. But also extremely angry and ended up shouting at the receptionist. They were very dark days for me. Very lonely and isolating.
He was admitted to hospital via ambulance when he was 8 weeks old as he had broncholitis. It was terrifying for me and extremely traumatic watching them put a breathing & feeding tube into him as a tiny baby.

I know socially it could be different now, as I have more friends locally than in my life than I had 7/8 years ago, however my partner is pretty much dead set on not having anymore and he’s 45 this year , I’m going to be 37.

I just want to know that my son’s life won’t be awfully lonely and depressing as an only child.

I'm an only and I was never lonely during my childhood or later.

However there are some things I think came with my upbringing which you could watch out for, and help your child with as he grows.

I always had a lot of attention - this didn't make me spoilt or a brat, but meant I found it hard to assert myself / stick up for myself in later life, as I'd never had to vie for position with siblings! I ended up being quite passive and sometimes passive/aggressive as an adult. I'm working on this now but it doesn't come naturally to me.

The other thing was that I found it hard to think of myself as an independent person - I existed primarily as the focus of our family unit - and struggled a bit with being out in the world as a person in my own right, so I tended to over-identify with friends and be a people-pleaser so that I could find a place to fit there.

However I've recognised this as I've got older and worked on it. I am very happy and have a good relationship with my parents as I know they were doing their best. Don't worry OP - your only will be fine

@Daffodilsinbunches I remember as a child the resentment that my friends with siblings harboured at having to share everything with younger siblings and also at their mothers who performed a constant (and usually unsuccessful) juggling act to divide her love and attention between two children. Children do not naturally want to share their parents' time, love and resources with another kid. They really don't. And most parents have more children for their own benefit or because of social expectations, not for the good of their existing child. I think it's time this ridiculous Victorian view was finally outed for the nonesense it is.

I think I get a bit of what you are feeling and why. I also had terrible PPD, had to move in with my parents so they could 'watch' me, as DH had to go to work to pay our mortgage. DD1 (now 9) was really unwell as a baby, rushed to hospital by ambulance multiple times, i remember sobbing and getting angry at professionals who took ages to figure out what was wring with her and kept sending us home just to be back a few days later. They did eventually, but i still grieve for that time with her when i should have been enjoying her early days, but I just couldn't. The thought of going through all that again was absolutely terrifying, and it's completly logical to feel like you are, it's a safety mechanism to protect yourself.

I feel like you might need to seek some support to process your feelings around that time. I did and it really helped me to let go of some of that pain and trauma, its still there, but its better than it was. My DH was an only child and was ok with just having one, he didn't feel like it did him any harm.

Make the absolute best of the life you have, rather than focusing on what you thought you would have/what others have. Give him loads of social opportunities, let him bring a friend on holiday, lots of sleepovers on summer weekends.

We did go onto have a 2nd, as I didn't want what had hapenned when DD1 was little to define our future, I wanted the decision to come from hope rather than fear. But for some families having 1 is a positive decision, right for their family.

You just have to know that whatever you decide is the right thing for your family, stuff expectations

I have an only who is now 12. He has lots of friends both at school and in our village.
Very happy and well adjusted. Arranges meet ups with his friends in the village- it's school holidays here and he has just come back after playing in the village/Park all afternoon with friends.

He has all of our attention, we can facilitate hobbies/sports and we have had lots of lovely holidays/day trips over the years.

He definitely isn't lonely and has never expressed any desire for a sibling.

I am one of 3 and get on well with my older brother but can't stand my sister and don't speak to her now. She is nasty and has made things hard for me over the years. Siblings are no guarantee of built in friendship!

For the love of god those of us who are only children are not all socially incompetent cripples because we didn’t have siblings! Just because it’s not what you’re familiar with doesn’t make it wrong, give your head a wobble. Your son will be fine without siblings.

I have an only child too — not by choice — so I understand the worries. But honestly, sibling relationships are unpredictable. Some siblings barely speak, some are inseparable, and many parents naturally end up closer to one child than another.

There are real positives to being an only child, and I focus on those when I need reassurance. Kids adapt to the family they have; it’s their normal. My DC is actually more social than I ever was with two sisters, simply because they’ve always had to make their own friends.

I'd be absolutely screwed if I was relying on my siblings to provide me with any sort of companionship or allievatie my loneliness.

There's so many threads like this at the moment and I don't understand them. Think of all the people you know. Do any of them just exist in bubbles with solely with their sibling with absolutely no one else in their life.

Lonlieness is a complex issue and there are many layers and types of loneliness. The main reason for being lonely is lack of connection to friends, community or a life partner of their own.

Further more even if you had a second, they are ONE person. They couldn't possibly meet all your existing child's social, emotional and physical needs for them to not be lonely. It's a massive burden to place on siblings that they are somewhat responsible for each others loneliness.

Your child will meet many people throughout their life.

Of course he won't be lonely!
Children go to school, and clubs, they play sports etc, and they make lots of friends.
Not to mention that many people (young and old) loathe their siblings.
Having another child does not prevent loneliness for either of them.
Just support your son and encourage him to be a friendly and sociable boy.

I'm an only child and wasn't remotely sad about that growing up. Still not now either. The only time I have thought it might be nice to have a sibling was when my parents each passed away. But not really more than a fleeting thought. Only children often manage loneliness much better than people with siblings, because we learn early how to entertain ourselves.

Honestly you would have me mistaken reading some threads on here. People seem to think only children will grow up, marooned on a desert island completely devoid of any meaningful relationships.

I have a twin so a sibling from birth. Couldn't even tell you the last time I spoke to them. Sibling relationships aren't all they are cracked up to be.

Speaking as an only (and my DP is also an only) I think this very much depends on personality. Some of us enjoy having our own space and don't need siblings for entertainment. Other children will do. I was always busy with making things and pursuing my hobbies, and never felt lonely. I visited and played with other kids but was always glad to have my own space at home. Was even relieved I didn't have brothers and sisters to argue with who would break my stuff!

I'd say make sure your child has hobbies and interests at home, and also encourage plenty of contact with other kids. He'll be fine! Besides, there are lots of 'onlies' around these days, when I was a child I was a real anomaly!

The 'natural' way happened pre-contraception, when women had 10 or more children. On that basis, one could worry that two is not enough.

My DS 21 is currently out with friends, he’s always out with friends and has been since he was able to take himself out with friends. Only children have to make friends because they are only.
Just because you have siblings doesn’t mean they will want to socialise with you. In fact the last people I wanted to be around were my younger sisters when we were teenagers.
Once we were older, had families and settled down we were much more sociable. In fact we love to spend time together but I think that only do just fine once adults. DS lives with two of his friends from home at uni. One of them is just like a brother. They fall out and argue like brothers. His friend has 3 sisters but loves having a surrogate brother. DS has spent so much time at their house their spare room is known as his room. The other friend is more recent but they are very similar so are like an old married couple.

I have a sibling but we don’t get on. I actually think my childhood would have been better if I’d been an only.

Loads of children are only children. I know lots who say they are perfectly happy being so. I have only one child myself, and she says she prefers it.

There are lots of benefits. More money spent on them, more adult attention, etc etc.

If you had another child there is no guarantee the siblings would be close, anyway.

And I am sure your son will benefit more from a mother with her mental health intact, than from a sibling he may not be close to anyway!

Mum of an only child here too.
I always planned to have more, but he was hyperactive, hardly slept till he was three and a half, and I just didn't fancy walking round like a zombie again, so we stopped at one.

He was the happiest child, could walk into an empty room and come out with a friend, he had no siblings or cousins to fall back on, so he made friends very easily and happily, and that carried on into adulthood.

Being an only child doesn't mean being a lonely child.

I do have two, but having more children is for us, not for the kids-some hate having a sibling. Siblings often argue and few of them seem particularly close-basing that on the fact most people I've ever known don't see their siblings anywhere near as often as their friends (mine would always choose to be with their mates!), at any age, and many of us live in different countries as soon as we're adults. The only children at my kids' school that come round seem very social and popular.
Having just one is very common now (more common than two in a lot of the UK), so old stereotypes have gone. When it was unusual for women to only have one, there might have been very good reasons a child was more withdrawn/depressed because it might have meant the mum was seriously ill or worse-the idea of choosing to just have one in the days before reliable contraception/surgery didn't tend to be a thing.

DH and I both only children. Would both have preferred to have siblings. I don't think you question it growing up but as an adult siblings are a real connection with your past and blood is thicker than water.

I realise not everyone is super close to theirs but think more are then not and then there's family connections, cousins, aunts and uncles etc that then next generation misses out on. I have a difficult caring situation with my parents and it's all on me. Id love so much just to have one other person to talk to about it

HOWEVER... this is all, as everything is in life, a balance of needs and risks. It's far better you're healthy and happy as a mother than he has a sibling. It's far better you're able to be there for him then struggling with another baby. Also, with kindness, he's be at least 8 when you had another so too old for playmate etc.

So stop feeling guilty, if you're better off for your choice then in this situation so is he.

I was an only. And hated it. I had no other family near by. Because of that as I have gotten older I hate being on my own for any length of time. I have also made friends that have become my family. Funnily enough they are only children. My experience will not be the same as every only child.

I have one and can relate to your worries, especially for a child with SEN as well. However my child does have cousins and I do have a support network. I'm sorry that you don't.
We will probably just worry until they have found their place in life as adults, but plenty of only children grow up and create their own little family units just like anyone else.

I think this is such a good post. Its understandable these are real concerns for some only children and their experience.

But as you say it's all about balance and everything is a gamble. I'm one of 3, we don't speak and none of them have children. It's impossible to know how anything will turn out for anyone. Some people love being only children, some hate it. Some love their siblings, some like me don't speak to them.

People tie themselves in knots over hypothetical situations however concerns on both sides are valid. The most important thing is a healthy and happy mother who is there for their child.

Oh love. I'm an only and my DS is an only. I have my DSD but they weren't brought up together.

I wanted a sibling for my DS but it didn't happen. But both he and I have never been lonely. We've always made friends easily. My DS has a very close friend group. I think a lot of it is down to having to seek people. Mine and DSs relationship is very close.

You have to think of the child you already have. I don't think you can put yourself or him through another pregnancy.

No one can predict how your kids will grow up, all you can do is help every step of the way, be they only children or kids who have siblings.

I had an older sister, she bullied me all throughout my childhood, I never really liked her, and I still don't. We have no contact now and never will.

So it's swings and roundabouts whether having siblings is a blessing or not.

Well it's too late now anyway. Too big an age gap.

I wish I'd been an only! I dread having to sort out my parents estate when they die with my sibling. DS (ASD) is an only and as a young adult is really glad that he is/was.

Many kids with ASD love or would love to be an only child.