AIBU to worry my only child will feel lonely growing up?

[Daffodilsinbunches]

I have one child - he’s 7. I found pregnancy mostly fine but post partum I really struggled - both mentally and emotionally.
Me & my partner don’t have much of a support network nearby so it was really, really hard (and still is).
Our son never really slept and even now at times he’s up at 5am, but the usual for him is around 6am.
He’s got AUDHD, as have I and most likely his dad too. He’s really quite intense and easily overwhelmed.

All this made me realise I can’t go through it all again. I nearly ended up being sectioned the first time. I even remember going to the doctors about something to do with him when he was around 6 weeks old and I was just sobbing. But also extremely angry and ended up shouting at the receptionist. They were very dark days for me. Very lonely and isolating.
He was admitted to hospital via ambulance when he was 8 weeks old as he had broncholitis. It was terrifying for me and extremely traumatic watching them put a breathing & feeding tube into him as a tiny baby.

I know socially it could be different now, as I have more friends locally than in my life than I had 7/8 years ago, however my partner is pretty much dead set on not having anymore and he’s 45 this year , I’m going to be 37.

I just want to know that my son’s life won’t be awfully lonely and depressing as an only child.

Thanks! It always annoys me when people say that there is no downsides to having an only. There are. But as with everything in family life (breastfeeding, divorce etc etc) no one's life is perfect and you have to make the best choices for your family based on everything in the round.

I have a child with ASD and ADHD and relatively good support. But I know 100% I would not cope with another. I don’t feel guilt for it. In fact with how full on my child is, it would be totally unfair to add another baby.

Mum to an only. He's now 21 and out with friends at least five nights a week. He made friends at school, university and through sport. My top tip would be help your DS find something recreational that he enjoys eg cubs, music, wildlife and get him into a group. It's so much easier to make friends when you have fun together and a second set of friends outside school can give balance. I have a brother and we get along but only see each other once or twice a year and he is zero help with our elderly parents.

Absolutely, I think whatever your family size you have to acknowledge all aspects of it. Even they though they are many people who love being an only child, there are many who still feel a lack of family and its important to acknowledge this and understand it may be true for your child even if the best thing for your family is to have one child.

I have no opinion on what is the best family size other than what people feel is the right number they can cope with. It's a constant source of heartbreak for my parents me and my siblings don't speak (and it was absolutely nothing to do with our childhood. We all had a happy childhood and individually have good relationships with my parents), so really I know absolutely nothing is guaranteed!

@Summerunlover
Thats my worry - he has cousins but we don’t live near them. We see them a few times a year (most school holidays).

He does go to outside school clubs - beavers, judo and swimming lessons. Looking at getting him into chess club too, as it’s something he enjoys.
We meet up with friends as regularly as possible.

Both myself and DH have siblings but I wouldn’t say they were fantastic relationships. We get along with them, but don’t live nearby and don’t see each other very often.
I very rarely hear from my only sibling, my brother, usually through my mum and then when I see him.

I am sorry to say but you have quite a negative outlook to think an only child has a depressing life. Like they are a charity case or victim in need of help. Please get out of this mindset. I am an only child and had a wonderful childhood. What your child needs is affectionate and caring parents. He will, hopefully, make his own community with friends, cousins, colleagues etc.

I struggle to think of anyone that has close relationships with their cousins as they get older. I don't know anyone that would prioritise them over their close friends! I get on with mine but even I only see them every few years or so. My parents each had well over 50 cousins each and I've only ever met them at family funerals.

I understand the concerns you have but it's extremely catastrophising to think your child is going to have some sad, lonely awful life because they are an only child.

And if you're only planning on having one extra child. Is your expectation that this ONE person will have sole responsibility for your other child's happiness, be their entire support network and stop your child from being lonely. That's a crushing responsibility to put on someone.

I think at this age there is a worry. But if he enjoys socialising in those settings he will go on to enjoy close friendships. Most of DS’s friends are either onlys or only boys. So have developed close male bonds outside of their families. They really are a band of brothers and look after each other. Maybe because non of them have brothers they have sub consciously gravitated to each other. Particularly through their teens.

Oh, and my DS had his first sporting injury playing chess. He accidentally flicked a chess piece at a friend as they were putting the chess board away ( they used to play during indoor break at school). His friend thought he’d done it on purpose, threw a piece back at him and it hit him on the bridge of his nose chipping the bone. He ended up with the most spectacular pair of black eyes.
He’s a rugby player and although he has had a number of knocks nothing as outstanding as his chess injury.

There are many only children that are lonely too as well as many that are not. That can't be denied. I know a few now as adults too, they still feel the loneliness.

However, it shouldn't be a sole reason to decide to have another child. Siblings don't always guarantee not feeling the loneliness either.

Only child here, wasn’t lonely at all.

I’m the middle of three generations of only children (DM, me and DD11). All three of us are/were (sadly DM has now passed away) sociable and happy. I think it has given me the confidence to deal with different situations, and I would say the same for DD. I think all three of us have been very independent throughout our lives, and have been able to engage in more grown-up conversations from a young age, most likely because that was what we were (are in DD’s case) exposed to at home.

I have friends who are close to their siblings, and friends who have almost no contact with their siblings. Some grew up as a very close-knit sibling group, others argued and cried, and couldn’t wait to be away from the their siblings.

Please don’t feel guilty about this, and take time to look after yourself and your lovely family.

I was an only child and I was not really set upon a certain number of children that I wanted, until my son was born, for the first four months , if he was awake, he was screaming. And then he didn’t sleep well until he was 3 years old. He would wake up as much as 8 times a night. We both worked and it was the worst time ever. We decided no more children. But didn’t want him to grow up lonely so we ensured that my son had lots of play dates and from the age of 9, we took his best friend on holiday with us.
I overheard him once talking to his then girlfriend who had 2 siblings about being an only child. She said she felt sorry for him. He said there was no need and that he’d had a great childhood. That we ( his parents) had ensured he had lots of company but that he was also very happy in his own company and was never ever bored. And he’s also had opportunities that she hadn’t had .

Not necessarily, my oldest is 9, 2 mums of children in her class are pregnant, gap will be 10 years+. My youngest is 7 and 3 mums of children in her class are pregnant, with a 7-8 year age gap. Due to finances people are having bigger gaps, we don't know anyone with less than a 3 year gap

I'm an only child. I am male.
So I can play monopoly on my own, and any board game to be honest. I was inventive and active and had lots of friends. I made up games.

Now I can spend days on my own but have a wide social circle. Because I spent a lot of time one to one with adults I communicated well from an early age.

If you have another now there is no way they will be that close as children...as a ten year old did you want to play with a two year old?

My only weakness from being an only is I cannot share food....I don't want people to think i am taking more than my fair share so my wife and I count out biscuits, sweets etc.

Your son has your undivided attention, the advantages of always being first. Would he cope with being knocked off the number one spot. My wife's sister is 12 years older and is coming up to 70 and it's clouded her entire life...she continually tries to one up my wife and it's pathetic to watch

He will be fine I promise
I know people with 1
child, one lady with 5 and every combination inbetween
I’ve got 3 and someone said to me at a toddler geoup
you need a 4th really as there will always be one left out which is absolutely not the case here!!!! My 3 are great together and never leave each other out

all family dynamics are different, you need to do what is good for you.

Lack of family connections, especially as you get older is a real downside of being an only child I feel. No siblings with a shared family history, no aunties and uncles or possible cousins for your own children.

I know someone will be along to tell me that isn't guaranteed even if you have siblings (which of course is true) but that doesn't change the situation for an only child.

Like another poster has said, it can be frustrating when people say there are no downsides to being an only child, or when they dismiss an only child's feelings (especially if that person has siblings).

There are also many people with siblings who are lonely who were lonely growing up and still lonely now.

Lonlieness is something that can impact everyone.

My brothers both live in America. One had a business trip every year to the UK for close to 20 years so I did see him every year. My sisters live on the South coast and I live up North. Because of jobs, kids etc I rarely see them. Unless you all remain in the same place and I suppose some families do then you splinter and move about for opportunities. My DH has one sister and she lives overseas as well.

No one knows what the future holds or where paths we didn't take might have led. You just have to make a decision based on the info you have now.

You said your son has AuDHD and is easily overwhelmed - how do you think he'd cope with a new baby, and a younger sibling? 7/8 years is a big gap. It would likely just be intense and overwhelming for him if you had another anyway, and there's no guarantee they'd be close as adults.

I have 4 siblings and I'm not particularly close to any of them as adults, and don't live near any of them. Not due to a traumatic childhood or falling out - we are just not very alike, and we have fairly big age gaps.

I'm not lonely at all - I'm very happy.

I also have an only child, still a baby at the moment, but I'm happy in my decision for him to be an only. I can give him all of my attention and I know that I can cope, whereas two would be a struggle for me. It's the right thing for us.

It sounds like one is the right decision for you - and that's OK. He might be lonely or not lonely with or without a sibling - it's more important that he has parents who can cope and support him and are not overwhelmed.

I am an only child who hated it so much I put myself through a lot to provide my eldest daughter a sibling. By then the age gap was 4 years.

Now we see that DD1 is autistic (undiagnosed) . She never asked for a sibling and would have had a much happier childhood without her. There is a bond but they are not close. They have nothing in common. Opposite personalities and very different abilities. DD2 has learning disabilities not sure if she is NT or not.

But I would never regret having DD2. It was the right decision for me.

Also as an only child I am dealing with care for my own mother . Hard because I’m doing it alone but on the other hand there is no arguing with a sibling that doesn’t step up to help. I know it’s all on me.

Potentially my DD1 will be dealing with either me or her father in old age (whoever survives the longest) plus care responsibilities for her disabled sister. Meaning she is in a worse position than me.

Of course some (not all) only children feel a lack of family connection and loneliness and it is important to acknowledge. And I am sure it is something a lot of parents consider. But there are many people like me who are "on the other side" who know sibling relationships don't provide this.

Now I am not saying this to dismiss only child concerns or say it changes anything for them. For many people they may want a second child to ensure family connections and that is completely fine. Some people only have one as they know sibling relationships aren't guaranteed and want to be the best parents they can and know they wouldn't have the capacity for a second. This also fine and both points of view are valid.

But some people on here have a rather black and white view of loneliness. Yes not having family connections can cause loneliness for some but it is not the the only form of loneliness and there are many other types of loneliness that can equally as debilitating. People can have lonlieness from:

Not having a romantic partner (again not everyone!)
Not having friends
Not knowing anyone in their local community
Being estranged from family.
Certain situations can also cause lonlieness like become a new parent, divorce, moving to a new area, bereavement just to name a few.

Yes of course take concerns into consideration when planning a family but equally its important to not get caught up in the future as it's so unpredictable and messy. The best thing for children is to have present and supportive parents who can give them the grounding and basis for life.

It's also as I've mentioned above, a sibling is one extra person. It's incredibly naive to think this ONE person could possibly shield your child from a lifetime of loneliness and provide your existing child with everything they needs in life to prevent them from being lonely.

Furthermore children and siblings are individuals in their own right. They aren't extensions of each other. They shouldn't be brought into this life with the expectation and burden that they are responsible for the wellbeing and feelings of each other.

I think it can be helpful for only children if they have cousins they can keep in contact with in adulthood. It's a connection back to childhood. My cousins are very close as siblings, and because of this, they just don't 'need' me as their only child relation. They havs plenty of family of their own. So they leaves me as a bit of an outcast within my own family. It's quite hard to watch everyone else (including my parents) have the support of their siblings and cousins, people to share memories with etc, knowing that one day I will have absolutely nobody who remembers anything of my family or earlier years 😔