To think that I am just a nuisance to my children

[redcosmeticbag]

I would really appreciate some honest responses from Mumsnetters who have parents who are troubled. I want to see how I may impact their lives negatively.

If I may set the scene. I am mid 60s, divorced, solvent but not rich, suffer from depression.

I have a daughter who lives 10 minutes away by car. I have a son who lives 90 miles away. My son lives with his girlfriend and works in a minimum wage but very worthwhile job. He struggles with depression and struggles for money.
My daughter is married and both she and her husband work in the public sector and earn reasonably well but struggle with the cost of living. They have one little girl whom I love very much.

I have worked all my life but have recently stopped as I realised I was struggling to cope. I work in a charity shop once or twice a week. I'm living in a town which is completely new to me because after my divorce I made the decision to be near my granddaughter and daughter rather than anywhere near my ex husband. I am always available to feed my daughter's cat and babysit. I enjoy doing it and they go away at nearly every bank holiday and often in the school holidays. I rarely hear from my son but he does contact me sometimes when he is struggling at work ( he has lost a few jobs due to patchy attendance). He doesn't invite me down and comes here once or twice a year. One time he was unpleasant to me and to his sister and consequently his sister doesn't really want to see him.

I don't feel that I am particularly important to either of them and I am thinking that I am just part of the wallpaper in their lives. It's friends who invited me into their homes for Christmas and Easter.

How do you all feel about your parents? Specifically perhaps those of you who have divorced parents where one is on their own and has a chronic illness. I count my depression as a chronic illness. I have not been able to recover from it despite being on many medications, having counselling etc etc.

I probably have a similar relationship to my mum as you describe. I moved 200+ miles away and visit a few times/ year. I try to be a good daughter, send her gifts, texts, and take her out to nice places.
However if I’m totally honest I struggle with the way she fusses and with her anxiety. To the point where I keep most or my troubles from her because she gets in such a flap I then have to worry about her anxiety on top of my problems. I love her but I found it hard to respect her when I was a teen.
she does have a full and active social life which I’m relieved about. It takes the pressure off me a little bit- I’d suggest you do the same.

Your thoughts of being a burden and them being better off if you died are definitely the types of thoughts that you have when you are depressed. Have you had suicidal thoughts?

I can very much relate because I've had the thoughts of everyone being better off without me when in a serious depression.

Have you asked for a different medication or a referral to a psychiatrist who has more expertise in meds than a GP?

You survived a dysfunctional childhood then married an alcoholic but now you are free. Your mum and your ex drained your happiness from you like vampires and this is your time to recharge and find your inner peace. The inner dialogue in your brain telling you you’re a burden and worthless is just echoes from your past from those who wanted to crush your spirit. You are a survivor and stronger than you think.

Just because your adult children have their own lives and are busy it doesn’t mean they don’t love you, they do.

Yes, I often think I'm too tired to carry on. I see a psychiatrist once a year and it's tomorrow but he isn't interested in changing my medication and tbh, I think I've worked my way through the whole range.
I do see that my lens on the world is skewed by my illness and I hate the thought of being an obligation to anyone. Options for change narrow a lot as we get older.

Op you are very focussed on your depression, which is entirely understandable.

So perhaps you can appreciate that your son, who is also suffering from depression (along with financial difficulties) will be feeing the same way.

To me it sounds like you are doing your best, and I think it’s sad neither of your children include you in big gatherings like Christmas and Easter.

But you can only do what you can do. Keep being interested and also keep actively managing your friendships. Take care xo

Also, but I’m finding as my parents get older it is more draining to see and speak to them because they don’t hold back with worries about money and retirement but if I ever share something burdening me it really stresses them out. So I don’t share the negative stuff and as a result I absorb all of theirs if that makes sense.

I love them and they are always included in the big celebrations but I have to psych myself up for the weekly phone call (they live hours away) because I have my own stuff going on! Full time work, kid stuff etc. Frankly I wish they’d hold back a bit as they don’t want my advice anyway.

Just a thought.

I think it sounds like you’ve had a very difficult set of circumstances to date and that a disability has naturally exacerbated this. I think that there is an inevitability that some of this would have an impact on your children over the years. That isn’t your fault, it would be impossible to avoid it. You can be a great mother, struggle with your own lifelong illnesses and still mourn the impact that this may or may not have had on them.
I think the important thing you need to remember is that your children will also have genetically have predispositions to these type of illnesses, but they are adults and will navigate it also.
It sounds like you show up and are supportive in all the ways that you are able to be. Probably like your son currently is. I’ve not suffered depression, but from those I’ve met that do have it, it’s not a linear experience. Mental health isn’t what we are sold on ‘mental health awareness week’..it’s ugly, it’s loud, it’s avoiding relationships sometimes, it’s angry and unreasonable sometimes…I would just keep reaching out when you can, so he knows you are always a supportive option.
I think it can easier sometimes to get stuck in the past and analysing in depth the potential rights, wrongs and impacts. I don’t think any of that is serving any of you. It’s an endless and intense place to take yourself and it sounds like you are beating yourself up about every single thing.
Life is beautiful but very complicated. The issues that I have with my parents, I accept that they are people too, I have the relationship that I can have with them. If their behaviours are damaging to me or bringing me down, I do tend to take a step back.

I agree with the pp who said do you invite your kids to anything? Would you host Christmas at yours and have them all over? Do you invite your dd out for lunch or coffee?

I have my daughter, son in law and granddaughter here as often as they can come. I don't have space for a table, nor do I have a working oven so I can't host Christmas. Can only cook on the hob but I still cook what I can and we eat on our laps.
I do often invite my son and his girlfriend and I pay for his petrol but he has only visited twice in the year and he has asked me not to go down to see him so I can't do anymore.

Can I suggest OP that you go to AlAnon. Although you are no longer living with them your life has been affected by two alcoholics. You would get help to build a life for yourself and it would help your current relationships. You are doing your best. Well done for working in the charity shop. Keep up with looking after your grandchild as often as you can cope with. I agree with the person who said to find anything that you enjoy and do more of it. I’m sorry you’re feeling so depressed, you have had a hard time but you have broken free ( braver than you acknowledge) and now you need to build up your own life which includes your children but doesn’t depend on them.

I'm not sure this is what you want to hear, OP, but you have asked.
I have one (elderly, formerly abusive) parent left in another country. I have no idea if they have a chronic illness, however, I visit them once in five years. They are well off.
I'll be very relieved when they finally disappear,
I take my inheritance (as a 47 yo only offspring) and have some peace of mind (and possibly restart my own life, if they don't happen to outlive myself).

Have you considered regular exercise and or joining a council gym.
Also worth considering if you could provide regular childcare eg. After school mon and wed or whatever...

Both would likely have positive impact on your mental health...

How does that relate to the OP? Nothing suggests she's been an abusive parent.

What effect did you hope to achieve by this post? This is your story and has no connection to the OP. Did you intend to upset her further? I am sorry that you experienced abuse but there’s nothing helpful in this post.

Why does he ask you not to go and see him?

I'm sorry for your pain and hope you get better