AIBU for letting my daughter see a friend without the third girl?

[Summerisnear1]

My DD is in secondary school now but still maintains contact with 2 girls she was in primary with. All love local to one another ( 20 minute radius )
girl 1 let’s call her Maria is not allowed to anyone else’s house, is not allowed anywhere without her mum. This include if other parents are present.
Maria’s mum always wants DD and “ Lucy “ to do their hour often messaging last minute to almost demand the girls come for the day as Maria is bored.
the other 2 girls like to go to different places, usually this supervised unless very local like the local cinema etc
recently there was a show on and my DD and Lucy wanted to go so I took them. This caused serious distress and upset to Maria and then spiralled to an upset mum.
Maria has a YouTube channel ( my DD does not ) but can see her YouTube channel where Maria describes as her “ fans”
she posted multiple videos about my DD and Lucy full naming them called them backstabbed, traitors and needed punishment.
I contacted Maria’s mum and explained the situation and she was explained that Maria was devastated that they would prefer to be with eachother than come to visit Maria.

I don’t want DD cooped up in Maria’s room every weekend and I don’t believe I should stop DD and Lucy socialising without Maria
AIBU ?

There are two issues. Your own daughter and Maria’s safety.

There is no way I’d let my child go to Maria’s house under any circumstances or do any activities that Maria’s mother or brother were also attending. I would not encourage the friendship.

I would phone the NSPCC about Maria and get some advice.

Get your daughter away from the relationship. Coercive.

I would let that friendship drift. The mother sounds troubled and you child doesn’t need that in her life.

What age are they?

Maria's Mum is bat shit, sadly Maria is likely to channel those energies because she doesn't know any different. Experienced this through DDs friendship circle. Very sad for the children involved as they end up losing friends.

I'd be telling Mum, the YouTube video comes down or I would go to the police. This is a safeguarding issue. My DD would never be going to Maria's house again.

Is Maria's family from a culture where women are expected to do what men tell them? It doesnt really matter but could provide context. Can you contact safeguarding at Maria's school?

In terms of NSPCC I have no evidence of even hint of evidence that Maria is being abused.
I have been around the house a few times including for a whole day.
maria is much more “ westernised “ than her mum and her mum seemingly accepts this. In the house.
her bedroom is lovely with her favourite bands on the walls etc
the girls seemingly have fun when there and the mum isn’t strict on what they do in the house. She has a lot of stuff, dresses well and goes to school / does her homework and is fed.
seems to have a good relationship with her mum.
goes on holidays and isn’t trapped in the house.
the issue comes from not being able to do anything without her mum present.

speaking to the mum ages ago it seems to stem from being wary of crime and other people and especially boys ! She did mention the brother telling her not a chance and that he says she isn’t street wise enough.
i don’t let my DD roam the streets unattended but local places she can attend with friends. Anything further a field one parent go but don’t like hover around them.

Surely Maria takes herself to school, as she is secondary age. Or do Mum/brother escort her? Is Dad around?

I would be concerned about the level of control they seem to exert, even if outward appearances seem to be caring.

Given there’s a language barrier, the Mum is “very religious” and the brother is assuming some sort of patriarchal control over the two women in the family, I’m guessing they’re from one of the more ‘conservative’ Christian branches. Perhaps Coptic, or Eastern European flavour of Catholic?

He (the brother) is not going to give the control up anytime soon and I doubt the mother will be able to break free of her mindset. If she’s not managed it in X number of years since her husband died or left them, then she’s probably stuck in her ways.

Like PPs, I’d be concerned about DD being exposed to all of that, but I would probably also feel sorry for Maria. Your DD should be encouraged not to walk on eggshells around Maria and her situation though, if she wants to continue the friendship.

I'm glad that video was taken down at least. It's tricky because I think by this age they do choose their own friends. That said if your DD is open to your opinion I'd be discouraging this friendship. There's clearly a lot of dysfunction in Maria's family and in general I'm not a fan of friendships where their parents wade in whenever there is a dispute.

Life is too short for this stuff. Your daughter is a teenager (or there abouts), let her choose and manage her own friendships.

I had a friend in secondary school who wasn’t allowed to go out at all and when she came to our school ball she had to be escorted by her brother. Apparently it is part of their religion and culture that women are not allowed out without an escort. I can’t remember if it is until they are married or if when they were married that they still couldn’t go without her husband.

She was lovely but it meant no one stayed in touch with her after school. Another boy who wasn’t allowed to go out anywhere went wild when he went to uni.

If that is their religion then there’s not much to be said aside from the fact that the same way you don’t expect Maria to follow your culture or rules Maria and her family cannot expect your DD and Lucy to and it is totally unacceptable for her to act out meanly toward them when they go out without her, as most children their age will do.

Either Maria understands her rules are not the same as everyone’s and that she cannot control her friends the way she is being controlled, or she loses the friendships.

YANBU. Clearly there is some kind of culture clash if the son is the head of the household and says the women are not streetwise enough to go out. Maria and her mother can’t stop your child doing normal things in her own time that Maria is not allowed to do.

I would discourage this friendship based on what Maria said in the video - the kids are traitors and deserve punishment?? Anything like this again I would report to school as it’s bullying but also concerning language used.

Her mum will have to realise eventually that Maria will be left out if she’s not able to do anything and she will push her few friends away if she tries to bully them into following her own rules

Well, if you aren’t worried about Maria then I’d just tell your dd she is not to go to Maria’s house any more and she’s not to do any activities where an adult from Maria’s house is present. And tell her why.

I would not want my secondary age daughter spending their leisure with someone’s older brother or mother. Your own daughter needs to be able to make small decisions and have some freedom without adults present. If Maria’s mother wants to continue the friendship she can drop Maria off at yours but it’s not something I would want to encourage really.

My dd had a friend who was a Jehovah’s Witness and she was never allowed to go anywhere either. They once had a drama GCSE rehearsal to go to and something happened at school so dd volunteered our house for a rehearsal and the girl wasn’t allowed to come. Things like that. It became harder and harder for the parents to keep the daughter away from everyone and she ended up applying for and getting in to university without them knowing and she just went off on move in day with one of her friends former Duke of Edinburgh backpack on the day. That’s how they found out.

This
And also wants to have her cake and eat it.
If you are going to be weirdly controlling of your children, you accept that they don't have a great social life!

How old are the girls @Summerisnear1?

I feel sorry for Maria, but wouldn't be encouraging any association with that batshit family. Your DD can be friends with whoever she wants.

A younger friend of mine grew up in a similarly controlling family where her mother and brothers strictly controlled what she was allowed to do. As soon as she could, she was out of there and lived a very wild life for a while. It messed her up enormously.

This is the only really sensible post on this thread.

This is defamation and certainly bullying. It's not ok.

It would be a report to the high school of this child too.

DD had close friend who was from different culture/religion and they all got on pretty well. Unfortuntely when the girl got to age 10 she started being restricted in what she was allowed to do and as DD and the rest of the friend group got more freedoms she got less. It was sad but the friendship became unsustainable and by around 12 it ended completely.
Posting things online like that is another issues but supports the view that the friendship hs run its course

Did they invite Maria? I guess if they hadn’t and they’ve always done things a threesome, I can see why she may be upset. (Although not to that extent).

However, if they invited her, and she refused to go (or wasn’t allowed) then that’s not your daughters fault, and they shouldn’t stop doing things just because Maria can’t go.

Wow this sounds exactly like an actual Maria and her mum that I have the misfortune to know.

I would also consider safeguarding concerns in relation to Maria. Poor girl.

I don’t know why you’re this involved in your daughter’s friendships at this age but the first question is does your daughter actually want to maintain a relationship with her? I had a very good friend as a child who was from a religious family - so religious I would dress in her clothes when I visited to maintain modesty standards. It was all lovely until we hit about 10 and then our lives were so different there couldn’t be much overlap. That’s also when her family got a lot stricter with her so she was no longer allowed at my house.

If Maria isn’t allowed to go anywhere or do anything and they want to maintain specific boundaries it just won’t work. This plus the bullying, online awfulness and just mismatch of lifestyle choices would certainly make me question the friendship for lots of reasons. It’s tricky though as you can’t really control what your own daughter is doing, but you can’t certainly control how much you encourage the friendship. I wouldn’t go out of my way to organise lifts, etc and would aim for this to just fade out now. If your daughter is still biddable, I’d probably say she couldn’t go round there anymore but that depends on if that’s actually something you can enforce.

Maria’s mum is strange but I find myself wondering if she is Asian, as my best friend at school was Indian and she was also not allowed out unsupervised so we socialised at her house or at mine with my parents present.

However her parents were the nicest people imaginable and certainly wouldn’t have pulled the second part of your anecdote.

Depending on their age, I'd say it's just teen friendship problems that parents shouldn't involve themselves in. Your daughter should socialise with whoever she likes.

If it means some other friendships fall by the wayside that's the consequence and it's just part of life.

You're not necessarily going to be besties with someone who you met while still in nappies when you're a teen.