Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS wants friend to move in after attack - would you say yes?

82 replies

northroadmum · 06/04/2026 11:22

ds is 18 and in college, he has a friend he’s known since year 7. The friend grew up in care and is now living on his own. He doesn’t really have other friends and can be quite guarded.

Last year ds found out he was using drugs, pretty much anything he could get hold of. ds stuck by him and supported him and as far as we know he has been clean for a while now. He was with us over Christmas and was polite, kept himself to himself a bit but no trouble.

Toward the end of Feb he stopped replying to ds which was unlike him. It turns out he had been beaten up and had his phone and wallet taken. He ended up in hospital for nearly a week with a head injury. He is ok physically now.

He has told ds he doesn’t want to go outside at the moment as he is worried it will happen again. He lives in quite a rough area. He did speak to the police but it sounds like it was an ambush so nothing much has come of it.

ds has asked if he can stay with us for a bit as he doesn’t feel safe where he is. I feel for him, I really do, but I am not sure it is the right thing to agree to given everything.

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
Poppingby · 06/04/2026 11:25

Yanbu to say no if you don't want to, and that's really true. I don't think it is the wrong thing to do though. You could change this boy's life by giving him a bit of support now. There are risks though, as you know, and if you don't want to take those risks you are completely within your rights not to because you're allowed to look after yourself too.

INX · 06/04/2026 11:27

YANBU to say no.

You and your DS have no idea whether he was attacked or whether he went AWOL due to being back on the drugs.

Or even if the attack was due to drugs/dealers etc and that's why he doesn't want to go out.

Sorry but you and your son are not responsible for him, so if you want to help, I'd definitely do it from a distance and not from under your roof.

Justnetballandcoffee · 06/04/2026 11:28

YANBU to say no.

SimonWigglesBaratoneVoice · 06/04/2026 11:29

I would say no, the drugs issue alone would be enough.

I would support him by helping him apply to the council for a house move, or going to the doctors to access support, or buy him a ring doorbell etc.

I wouldn't have a very recent, possibly still ongoing drug user, who has been jumped (could be by people he knows and related to debt) to live in my home.

YerMotherWasAHamster · 06/04/2026 11:29

I would want to, yes but I would be worried that he had been beaten up for a drug debt and him living with me would bring dealers to my house. They dont care who pays them as long as they get paid.

If he is genuinely clean and no dealer is after him then yes absolutely I would, but you arent being unreasonable not to want to. You have to do what you feel is right.

WhatNoRaisins · 06/04/2026 11:33

I would say no. I think that's a lot of potential chaos for you to bring into your own home and life. I'd try to be supportive but draw the line at this.

Birdsongisangry · 06/04/2026 11:34

It's up to you who you have in your house, though I do feel for the kid, there's very little safety net for young people leaving care. Could you suggest you're ok with him staying occasionally but not living with you? You could frame it that you don't want him to risk losing his property for not staying there, or people clocking that it's empty and damaging it. Would you be ok with your DS staying occasionally at his friends to help him overcome the fear of going back there?

upsofloating · 06/04/2026 11:35

I have experience of this in my family and it would be an absolute no from me, particularly as you are not responsible for this person.

isthesolution · 06/04/2026 11:36

I’d say no but try and offer him more support - visit more often, offer to help with going to shops, getting support, taking him for short outings to build his confidence

Hadalifeonce · 06/04/2026 11:37

I wouldn't want him living with me, but I think I would for others was to support him.

upsofloating · 06/04/2026 11:37

Drug users are poor souls but their illness makes them lie and steal, and they often keep dangerous company and find themselves compromised.

Hankunamatata · 06/04/2026 11:38

Id say yes for set period of time but he does weekly drug tests for you.

upsofloating · 06/04/2026 11:39

upsofloating · 06/04/2026 11:37

Drug users are poor souls but their illness makes them lie and steal, and they often keep dangerous company and find themselves compromised.

Just to add, I'm aware you said he'd been clean for a while now, but it doesn't take much to relapse.

Easterbunnyhaspackedherbasket · 06/04/2026 11:41

I absolutely would... A supportive family could be the difference between him having a positive future..
Or a very short life.

BinNightTonight · 06/04/2026 11:47

Your son sounds like a lovely human being, you should be so proud.

I dont know... Could you do a trial, so he moves in for a few weeks and you all evaluate and have a chat about how its going?

C152 · 06/04/2026 11:48

It's a lot taking on another young adult who may or may not still be using drugs. If you're as certain as you can be that he's not, and you have room, I think I would allow him to move in. How awful to be in hospital for a week and have no one to care whether you're alive or dead. If you do allow him to move in, think very carefully about what house rules your son and his friend must abide by, how long you're happy for the friend to stay, what will happen if the rules are broken etc., then discuss it with your son before you both broach it with his friend and see if the friend is happy to live within those rules.

Birdsongisangry · 06/04/2026 11:55

C152 · 06/04/2026 11:48

It's a lot taking on another young adult who may or may not still be using drugs. If you're as certain as you can be that he's not, and you have room, I think I would allow him to move in. How awful to be in hospital for a week and have no one to care whether you're alive or dead. If you do allow him to move in, think very carefully about what house rules your son and his friend must abide by, how long you're happy for the friend to stay, what will happen if the rules are broken etc., then discuss it with your son before you both broach it with his friend and see if the friend is happy to live within those rules.

Appreciate this is well intentioned, but if the friend is living on his own it's likely he's in a council flat or HA flat, which he would have got priority for as a care leaver - but if he moves in with the OP, he could lose the flat. At this age he's likely to be on a starter tenancy which includes a responsibility to be using the property as his main address, and if he's getting any benefits to help with the rent they will also be on condition of him staying there the majority of the time. If he were to be seen as giving up his flat, he wouldn't get the priority for housing a second time and that's a big risk for the kid without a safety net of family to go back to.
There are ways to support that can be a middle ground (I wonder also if the kid knows OPs DS is asking this, he may not want to move in though it's lovely that the DS is wanting to help his friend)

Ella31 · 06/04/2026 12:04

Are you absolutely sure he is clean? Does he have debts or is anyone likely to turn up at your door looking for him? You need to know what you are getting involved in.

Original poster
northroadmum · 06/04/2026 12:15

I can’t say I’m 100% sure if I’m honest. ds says he is and he seems a lot better than he was last year, but obviously I’m not with him day to day so I don’t really know.

I can sort of understand why he doesn’t want to go out at the moment. From what ds has said he was on the floor for quite a while before anyone found him which must have been awful. I think that’s shaken him up more than anything.

I just don’t know what to do for the best here. I feel for him but I also have to think about my own home.

OP posts:
Happyjoe · 06/04/2026 12:17

It's ok not to bring him in if you feel that strongly. Nobody would know what's going to happen - it may be the best thing for him, having a stable, safe unit to recover in. Or it may go terribly wrong.

I'd support him in his own place. Take him shopping, help him clear up, see if he wants to come out with you guys now and then to build confidence getting out the house, make his home more homely if needed and perhaps see if there is any list he can be on to move from the area he is in now. His confidence has taken a battering, not just his poor old body.

AlwaysTheRenegade · 06/04/2026 12:19

Do you have other children at home?

Bombombomtralala · 06/04/2026 12:23

Your son sounds lovely.

I would help in other ways rather than move him in. Don’t risk his tenancy.

ILoveDaffodills · 06/04/2026 12:23

Poppingby · 06/04/2026 11:25

Yanbu to say no if you don't want to, and that's really true. I don't think it is the wrong thing to do though. You could change this boy's life by giving him a bit of support now. There are risks though, as you know, and if you don't want to take those risks you are completely within your rights not to because you're allowed to look after yourself too.

This.

If he's quiet & a nice lad, why do you think it would bring trouble to your door?

If you do agree to it, I'd set a fixed time for him to get a better place to live permanently. So that there's an end date you don't have to look like the bad guy kicking him out. You can always extend it if everything is working out well.

a reminder (via DS) that ANY sign of drug use will end the arrangement.

IF you really don't want to do if, that's your choice, but maybe you could find a way to help him get somewhere better to live?

DancingLions · 06/04/2026 12:24

I wouldnt let him move in but I would offer all the support I could. If he is in social housing then possibly supporting him into a move to a different area for instance. Possibly as the victim of an attack and a care leaver, he might get help with this from the landlord. Or a mutual exchange. It can be hard for responsible adults to navigate things like this, let alone a struggling young person, so that's where I'd focus my attention. Or if hes in private rented, helping him find a new place.

Letting him move in may seem the kind thing to do but its better to support him in sorting out his own life.

Eviebeans · 06/04/2026 12:33

It might be difficult for him to move on from yours if he gives up his current accommodation. It would be very difficult to ask him to leave if it didn’t work out but he had nowhere else to go