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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS wants friend to move in after attack - would you say yes?

82 replies

northroadmum · 06/04/2026 11:22

ds is 18 and in college, he has a friend he’s known since year 7. The friend grew up in care and is now living on his own. He doesn’t really have other friends and can be quite guarded.

Last year ds found out he was using drugs, pretty much anything he could get hold of. ds stuck by him and supported him and as far as we know he has been clean for a while now. He was with us over Christmas and was polite, kept himself to himself a bit but no trouble.

Toward the end of Feb he stopped replying to ds which was unlike him. It turns out he had been beaten up and had his phone and wallet taken. He ended up in hospital for nearly a week with a head injury. He is ok physically now.

He has told ds he doesn’t want to go outside at the moment as he is worried it will happen again. He lives in quite a rough area. He did speak to the police but it sounds like it was an ambush so nothing much has come of it.

ds has asked if he can stay with us for a bit as he doesn’t feel safe where he is. I feel for him, I really do, but I am not sure it is the right thing to agree to given everything.

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
covilha · 06/04/2026 15:30

Whether social worker or support worker it’s a paid contract for the lad.
NO WAY should OP take him into her home.
Yes it’s a nice thing to do but drug dealers and users don’t reciprocate nice

PersilPower · 06/04/2026 16:12

If he’s still only 17, he’s not officially left care. Now is a key time to be demanding the support he needs and if he doesn’t feel safe, his corporate parent (the LA) need to step up. If they’re not listening or helpful, he’d benefit from the support of an advocate.

PersilPower · 06/04/2026 16:15

PersilPower · 06/04/2026 16:12

If he’s still only 17, he’s not officially left care. Now is a key time to be demanding the support he needs and if he doesn’t feel safe, his corporate parent (the LA) need to step up. If they’re not listening or helpful, he’d benefit from the support of an advocate.

If you PM me your LA, I can link you with your local advocacy service

tripleginandtonic · 06/04/2026 16:28

Has he got a job? Is he in college?

Birdsongisangry · 06/04/2026 17:41

covilha · 06/04/2026 15:30

Whether social worker or support worker it’s a paid contract for the lad.
NO WAY should OP take him into her home.
Yes it’s a nice thing to do but drug dealers and users don’t reciprocate nice

I haven't suggested that the OP does move him in, but it's pretty callous to suggest that because he has a paid support worker (or poss still a social worker, I didn't clock the friend was still 17) that he should only go to them for help. Paid services can't ever replicate a family/friends network, and only relying on that would be very, very lonely.

covilha · 06/04/2026 22:27

@Birdsongisangry Protecting your family isn’t callous but common sense.
socia workers would be the first to raise concerns if this family were harmed by this mother’s decision.

Birdsongisangry · 07/04/2026 07:35

covilha · 06/04/2026 22:27

@Birdsongisangry Protecting your family isn’t callous but common sense.
socia workers would be the first to raise concerns if this family were harmed by this mother’s decision.

She doesn't have to move him in to help him.

Mogbiscuit · 07/04/2026 07:37

Could you offer instead to help him move somewhere safer near to you? He sounds in need of a bit of support.

covilha · 07/04/2026 11:54

@Birdsongisangry - she was posting because her son wants to move him in Lovely💐

Birdsongisangry · 07/04/2026 12:18

covilha · 07/04/2026 11:54

@Birdsongisangry - she was posting because her son wants to move him in Lovely💐

Yes, I'm capable of reading that, and if you'd cared to read the lengthy thread instead of just the first post you would have seen the conversation had moved on.

Sosaidkaye · 07/04/2026 12:26

I’d be terrified of my own son ending up on drugs tbh.
My younger sister went through rehab in her early twenties. I actually left home just to get away from her. I ended up with mh problems from the stress of living with her and I would never ever live with another addict, whether they say they’re clean or not. It was hell.
My cousin was also on drugs and dealing a little. His mum had threats that they would burn her house down with her kids inside if she didn’t pay his debts and his dad (they were separated) got threatened with kneecapping.
In a perfect world, it would be lovely to take him in and change his life. In reality, I wouldn’t even consider it. You have to prioritise your own son. Never mind moving him on, I’d be up the wall about my son even being friends with someone who is involved with drugs.

beadystar · 07/04/2026 12:36

No. It’s very sad for him but you don’t bring drug trouble into your and your children’s home. He should keep his flat. He’s lucky in a way to have that. You can support in other ways. He’ll need to get into a job or college, can you help with that? Maybe take him grocery shopping, help him do a budget, have him over for a meal or sleepover but not move in.

Gizlotsmum · 07/04/2026 12:41

I would but with conditions. Regular ( random ) drug tests, he lives by your house rules and is a useful member of the household. I would also review it on a regular basis so he works to get independence

inmyera · 07/04/2026 12:42

do you have any other children at home? my eldest had a friend in a very similar situation and we seriously considered taking him in. it came down to the fact that we had two younger children to protect and we couldn't put them at risk. otherwise we would have taken him in without a doubt. you could completely turn his life around.

Lovingmynewlifestyle · 07/04/2026 18:22

I would want to help this young person, if I could.
At 17 they could still turn their life around.
My son had a hell of a time in school. Had he not had us as parents he would have dropped out of school and college, and would have a different life to the one he has now.
That’s why young people in care need, good adults to fight for them. Even if they can’t move in with you, can you help find them a safer place to live? fight for a college place? be a listening ear? what other help is available? sometimes it is a case of research, and getting them to apply for support.

covilha · 07/04/2026 18:33

@Birdsongisangry - I was giving you the courtesy of replying to your post.

This seems to be angering you, this was never my intention-my initial post was in response to OP. You sound increasingly angry when tea to my posts. This is not my intention. So to prevent you further upset, I will no longer be responding to your posts. Wishing you peace.
And OP - my personal opinion remains you would jeopardise your and your family’s safety if you let him stay in your home.

angela1952 · 07/04/2026 18:38

INX · 06/04/2026 11:27

YANBU to say no.

You and your DS have no idea whether he was attacked or whether he went AWOL due to being back on the drugs.

Or even if the attack was due to drugs/dealers etc and that's why he doesn't want to go out.

Sorry but you and your son are not responsible for him, so if you want to help, I'd definitely do it from a distance and not from under your roof.

I'd say no because you have absolutely no idea why he was attacked. It won't be so easy for him to avoid drugs once he's been involved, and if his friends were too. For the sake of your DS I'd say no but talk to him about it beforehand to explain why you are doing it. The care system should be able to find him somewhere safe, perhaps somewhere well away from the area.

canisquaeso · 07/04/2026 18:52

Help from a distance if you want to, but please do not move an addict in.

I would only let him stay if you have any way of knowing for sure the ambush isn’t debt related. The last thing you need is issues at your door.

Lararoft · 07/04/2026 19:08

I would just want to know how he actually paid for the drugs at 16 with no job in the first place.. eg did he get in the habit of stealing? Habits like that can be hard to break. Also, what kind of drugs was he addicted to? Some are easier to stay off than others.

My friend’s mum took in her homeless grandson who was into drugs. He just stole off her so she threw him out & only allowed him round to hers for a hot meal - yet he STILL stole from her so she had to stop that too. Sadly he died from a cocaine overdose (it had been cut with fentanyl).

It’s easy to say to OP that if her son’s friend tests positive for drugs ‘just throw him out’ but that is an incredibly hard thing to actually do when someone is pleading with you and has nowhere else to go but the street…

GelatinousDynamo · 07/04/2026 20:00

The boy isn't just "scared", he likely has PTSD. Living in a house where he feels safe is a start, but without professional support, that fear can manifest as withdrawal, depression, or even a relapse into drug use as a coping mechanism.

Thing is, it sounds like you could help him. I know I would blame myself if something happened to him and it could have been avoided.

What if you agreed to a trial period, say a month? Set rules from the start: no tolerance for alcohol or drugs, he must agree to seek counseling or support (he might need help with finding it), he contributes to the household (even if it’s just helping with dishes or keeping his space spotless, he needs a routine to avoid falling into a "slump").

The goal should be helping him find a new, safer permanent living situation, not just hiding from the old one.

It is not unreasonable to say no. But I think I would at least try.

Sosaidkaye · 07/04/2026 20:31

GelatinousDynamo · 07/04/2026 20:00

The boy isn't just "scared", he likely has PTSD. Living in a house where he feels safe is a start, but without professional support, that fear can manifest as withdrawal, depression, or even a relapse into drug use as a coping mechanism.

Thing is, it sounds like you could help him. I know I would blame myself if something happened to him and it could have been avoided.

What if you agreed to a trial period, say a month? Set rules from the start: no tolerance for alcohol or drugs, he must agree to seek counseling or support (he might need help with finding it), he contributes to the household (even if it’s just helping with dishes or keeping his space spotless, he needs a routine to avoid falling into a "slump").

The goal should be helping him find a new, safer permanent living situation, not just hiding from the old one.

It is not unreasonable to say no. But I think I would at least try.

I don’t think implementing “house rules” is an effective way to help someone on drugs, and OP has no idea if he’s clean.
This is the type of strategy that the parents of addicts are strongly advised against using. It usually fails.

Somebody else mentioned doing random drug tests. Don’t do this, OP. It’s not your place.

If you want to help him, help him to find professional help from people who know what they are doing.

Mackerelfillets · 07/04/2026 22:01

No. I've seen this happen to a friend of my DS. Taking someone in, it all being fantastic for a few months, then it went downhill, falling out, toxic, drugs....and being stuck with the visitor as they had nowhere to go. Its only just been resolved after more than 12 months of stress.

QueenStarWars · 08/04/2026 14:38

northroadmum · 06/04/2026 13:13

He was given the flat at 16 but if I’m honest the leaving care team were unsupportive from the off. He ended up losing his college place because his attendance was all over the place. The flat is quite far from the college and it was 2 buses, and he just couldn’t seem to get himself organised. If he overslept he then wouldn’t go at all as he’d be so late, and it just spiralled.

Yes he was 16 but he did need extra support and he wasn’t given it, so he was at a disadvantage straight away in my opinion.

ds struggled a bit with college as well as he didn’t like his course, but I was able to support him through it and he changed courses and started again in September. That obviously isn’t something his friend has had.

When he wanted to apply again the college refused to take him back, and the leaving care team haven’t helped him at all from what I can see. They’ve just left him to it. They haven’t helped him apply for jobs either, which I thought they were supposed to do, he’s still only 17.

He is very isolated. Even before this happened he spent most of his time in his flat and ds was really the only person he saw regularly.

Poor lad, though i am not surprised. Those who receive the least from leaving care teams are the ones who need it most.
He should be getting a clothing allowance (think it varies across local authorities but should be approx £200 a year) and leisure allowance which where I am is £50pcm to do stuff like gym membership, football, art, music, etc. Also a setting up home allowance ("suha") which, again not sure if it varies but where I am it's about £2,000 to furnish his first home. So if he didn't get this then maybe this can be looked into.

Even care leavers who have moved back home get this support and a named PA.

IF he had a really good one now would be the time for them to step up.

Shared Lives can be an option for some care leavers, where you live in a family home. I have heard it described as "fostering for adults" and it can work really well but he may not be accepted due to past drug history.

QueenStarWars · 08/04/2026 14:38

northroadmum · 06/04/2026 13:13

He was given the flat at 16 but if I’m honest the leaving care team were unsupportive from the off. He ended up losing his college place because his attendance was all over the place. The flat is quite far from the college and it was 2 buses, and he just couldn’t seem to get himself organised. If he overslept he then wouldn’t go at all as he’d be so late, and it just spiralled.

Yes he was 16 but he did need extra support and he wasn’t given it, so he was at a disadvantage straight away in my opinion.

ds struggled a bit with college as well as he didn’t like his course, but I was able to support him through it and he changed courses and started again in September. That obviously isn’t something his friend has had.

When he wanted to apply again the college refused to take him back, and the leaving care team haven’t helped him at all from what I can see. They’ve just left him to it. They haven’t helped him apply for jobs either, which I thought they were supposed to do, he’s still only 17.

He is very isolated. Even before this happened he spent most of his time in his flat and ds was really the only person he saw regularly.

Poor lad, though i am not surprised. Those who receive the least from leaving care teams are the ones who need it most.
He should be getting a clothing allowance (think it varies across local authorities but should be approx £200 a year) and leisure allowance which where I am is £50pcm to do stuff like gym membership, football, art, music, etc. Also a setting up home allowance ("suha") which, again not sure if it varies but where I am it's about £2,000 to furnish his first home. So if he didn't get this then maybe this can be looked into.

Even care leavers who have moved back home get this support and a named PA.

IF he had a really good one now would be the time for them to step up.

Shared Lives can be an option for some care leavers, where you live in a family home. I have heard it described as "fostering for adults" and it can work really well but he may not be accepted due to past drug history.

QueenStarWars · 08/04/2026 14:44

It is really unfair to expect a 16 year old, who's already traumatised to get 2 buses to get to college.

Has he got an EHCP?

He should be receiving care from the council's "virtual school for looked after children" this is not a school in the true sense of the word but a team who looks out for looked-after children/ young people's educational needs. He should have a named person who'd be the first point of contact for him (or whoever else is involved in his care) to ensure he has an education plan that is realistic and achievable. And as I say, most 16 year olds even if they were living with their parents, would find it hard to go college if it's miles away and 2 buses away.