DS wants friend to move in after attack - would you say yes?

[northroadmum]

ds is 18 and in college, he has a friend he’s known since year 7. The friend grew up in care and is now living on his own. He doesn’t really have other friends and can be quite guarded.

Last year ds found out he was using drugs, pretty much anything he could get hold of. ds stuck by him and supported him and as far as we know he has been clean for a while now. He was with us over Christmas and was polite, kept himself to himself a bit but no trouble.

Toward the end of Feb he stopped replying to ds which was unlike him. It turns out he had been beaten up and had his phone and wallet taken. He ended up in hospital for nearly a week with a head injury. He is ok physically now.

He has told ds he doesn’t want to go outside at the moment as he is worried it will happen again. He lives in quite a rough area. He did speak to the police but it sounds like it was an ambush so nothing much has come of it.

ds has asked if he can stay with us for a bit as he doesn’t feel safe where he is. I feel for him, I really do, but I am not sure it is the right thing to agree to given everything.

AIBU to say no?

If he leaves his flat they could say he's no longer entitled to state funded housing? They could kind of wash their hands of him and make him your responsibility?

If he got mugged and he thinks it'll happen again it must be targeted due to something he's mixed himself up in. So moving to yours could just bring this same trouble to your door.

I hope he's not being cuckooed or anything like that? Have you or son been to his flat recently? You could as PP said offer to help him get some kind of security measures like a camera.

But moving in with you I think could be too much of a risk. What happens if it goes tits up and he refuses to leave? It could get quite dark.

My DD is a foster carer and typically cares for young girls aged 14-18. It's not often that a child would be given a flat at 18, though most of her girls have moved on at 18 to some sort of supervised accomodation, typically a room in a shared house with daily visits.
PA's definitely vary in competence and contactability, some care leavers fall through the net and never have a PA appointed at all.

I would too - I know there are risks but yes I would allow him to live wohl me

We are foster carers and will be doing staying put with our young person when they hit 18. Young people who are moved into their own home are usually put into really rough areas where most people wouldnt like to live, where drugs are prevalent etc. Our fc social worker told us the areas they house kids who age out and they are awful, socially isolated, and high crime but its what's affordable.
He should have a sw if under 18 or a YPA if over . You could maybe approach them and ask for advice in supporting him without him moving in. Ie having him over for a few dinners, him helping tidy up etc after. Take him shopping, help him with menu making etc. A previous fc wanted that independence at 18 but found having their own home extremely isolating , looking at the same 4 walls on their own, in an area they knew no-one, and if hes afraid to go out i can fully understand why he doesn't want to be there.
As a PP stated sharing lives is also a step between being 'in care' and aging out, they would initially be strangers but it can work well.
As part of our new agreement we each have a contract to sign for behaviours /expectations etc and i assume it would be the same for sharing lives. Drugs would be a no here.

I would have to say Yes, as long as the drug use is behind him. I feel so sorry for youngsters in this young mans position. He is so lucky to have such a lovely friend as your DS which is all credit to you 💐

I would allow him to stay maybe at weekends so he has some nurturing and feeling cared for, support him to contact the right people to help him get moved, maybe look at courses he needs some purpose in his life but the support would be to help him become independent. I know he is very young but what you don’t want and want can easily happen is services step even further back as someone else is doing their work (we know how stretched they are). Sounds like he needs someone who cares to be on his side

if he gives up his place or is found not to be staying there how is he going to move on from yours? He won’t be given a place if he decides to stay with a friend for a while. What if you son finds new friends, they fall out or just grow apart

It is really lovely of you to support him and you can do that doesn’t mean he has to stay with you

Once he moved in with you he risks losing his tenancy and with the housing shortage as it is he will struggle to get a new one when / if he felt he was ready to leave. While your son believes him to be ok / clean you don’t know. Drug users are very good at putting on a front and will lie and manipulate. Lovely an idea it is from your DS and shows he has a caring side , you will more than likely be bringing problems / trouble into your home. How will you manage if he is still taking drugs and ignores your rules. The local authority won’t see him as homeless as he lives with you so he will have nowhere to go if you do need to ask him to leave. You don’t know why he was attacked , was it a random attack for his phone or was it because he had unpaid drug debts. You really don’t want that being brought to your door. If he has debts in the future your home / family will be drawn in and threatened - the dealers won’t differentiate they will just want their money. In reality I’m sure there are other practical ways you can help - invite him round for an evening meal every week, offer to go to the council with him to see if he can move to another area , but I really wouldn’t have him come to stay. Ultimately he isn’t your DS or your responsibility and you need to be wary of your son getting dragged in to a situation he can’t cope with. Responsibility for someone else’s mental health well being and addiction is a massive ask and one fraught with difficulty.