DS wants friend to move in after attack - would you say yes?

[northroadmum]

ds is 18 and in college, he has a friend he’s known since year 7. The friend grew up in care and is now living on his own. He doesn’t really have other friends and can be quite guarded.

Last year ds found out he was using drugs, pretty much anything he could get hold of. ds stuck by him and supported him and as far as we know he has been clean for a while now. He was with us over Christmas and was polite, kept himself to himself a bit but no trouble.

Toward the end of Feb he stopped replying to ds which was unlike him. It turns out he had been beaten up and had his phone and wallet taken. He ended up in hospital for nearly a week with a head injury. He is ok physically now.

He has told ds he doesn’t want to go outside at the moment as he is worried it will happen again. He lives in quite a rough area. He did speak to the police but it sounds like it was an ambush so nothing much has come of it.

ds has asked if he can stay with us for a bit as he doesn’t feel safe where he is. I feel for him, I really do, but I am not sure it is the right thing to agree to given everything.

AIBU to say no?

Does he have a leaving care PA you could contact, with his permission? The local authority have a duty of care for care leavers, ostensibly till they are 25 but it is more "light touch" after 21, when it is known as "keep on caring".
The leaving care team should be helping him a lot at this time although the way care leavers are treated in this country is nothing short of disgraceful and many fall through the cracks.

@Birdsongisangry That's a good point; I hadn't thought that he might be in a HA flat. It may be an option to stay with the OP for a week or so (if everyone is agreed), until he's feeling more himself?

He was given the flat at 16 but if I’m honest the leaving care team were unsupportive from the off. He ended up losing his college place because his attendance was all over the place. The flat is quite far from the college and it was 2 buses, and he just couldn’t seem to get himself organised. If he overslept he then wouldn’t go at all as he’d be so late, and it just spiralled.

Yes he was 16 but he did need extra support and he wasn’t given it, so he was at a disadvantage straight away in my opinion.

ds struggled a bit with college as well as he didn’t like his course, but I was able to support him through it and he changed courses and started again in September. That obviously isn’t something his friend has had.

When he wanted to apply again the college refused to take him back, and the leaving care team haven’t helped him at all from what I can see. They’ve just left him to it. They haven’t helped him apply for jobs either, which I thought they were supposed to do, he’s still only 17.

He is very isolated. Even before this happened he spent most of his time in his flat and ds was really the only person he saw regularly.

@northroadmum I have a good friend who did exactly this OP. She took in her son's friend who came from a dysfunctional home and who had been involved in drugs, fights, the police etc. Although her son and the boy were 16 at the time and not 18. It turned her life into a chaotic mess. The boy was not used to living in a "regulated" environment, wouldn't get out of bed in the morning so couldn't hold down college or a job, amongst a host of other things. God knows who turned up at all hours and eventually there was a brick through the window. It nearly destroyed her own family. Think very carefully OP.

He won't be in his own tenancy if he's been there since 16, so there are likely to be rules about how long he is allowed to stay away from the property before he gets kicked out so I would not have him move in. You can offer him to stay for weekends occasionally, involve him in family meals, take an interest, give him leftovers to take home etc. You can be a big support without him moving in.

Could you and your DS support him more in his home to start with?

ds is my youngest so no younger children living here full time, but I do have my toddler grandchild a few times a week so that is something I do have to take into account as well.

Leaving care teams vary in how much they offer, but they are support workers and the support they offer is very much dependent on the young person to be motivated to engage with them - Which doesn't always fit with how young people tend to think. The chances are he won't have had much choice about where the housing offer was either unfortunately, if he needed a place he would have had to take what was available regardless of the distance to college.
Unfortunately the care services haven't kept up with the changes in social norms where young people are required to stay in education until 18 and would rarely move out at that age either.

I don't know if the friend would give you permission, but it may be there's support open to him that you could help him get onboard with - locally to us there are mentoring schemes, work experience/training etc to those who are NEET that can be really good but it does require the YP to be a bit organised to get involved, or to have an adult giving them a nudge (just as you'd expect to do for your own at that age)

That’s shocking that a 16yr old is pretty much left to fend for themselves. I have two teens and although they’re uni/A levels type clever, i hate to think the mess they'd get themselves into shoved into a grotty flat and left to get on with it at that age. Awful.

I think if you've no younger kids I’d maybe try to help somehow. Could he come for tea a few nights a week, or join you for bank holidays/easter/christmas/birthdays etc. Maybe see if you can source help from the authorities for him, although that seems very lacking as it is. See if you can support him to stay where he is and make that better.
If you do let him stay id be 100% on no drink, drugs, noise, and a clear plan for how long for.
You’ve raised a good son OP.

Would you feel comfortable offering him a few days to settle down

Your ds sounds so kind and like a very good friend, but taking him in would be a huge step. I wouldn’t, personally, but you could always do so on the condition he has regular drug tests and enters full time education or work. Then at least the arrangement will get him on the right track.

At 16 they'll have had a social worker, and a trainer flat or a flat that's part of a supported accommodation scheme, and social services would be responsible for them. At 18 they're no longer open to a social worker, only a support worker, and the onus is on the young person - eg if they don't pay a bill or lose their college place the support worker can advocate for them but can't pay it on their behalf or force college to take them on. Either way though it's still far less support than most 16-18yr olds would get from within a family, and that's before considering that many young people in care are functioning at a lower emotional age because of their experiences (often oddly mature in some ways and younger in others)

No I wouldn’t.

A drug user who has coincidentally been beaten up by … who exactly?

I’d be inclined to think that he wants to move out to get away from whoever is after him enough to beat him up.

I realise he’s had a rough time due to his circumstances but would I trust a 16 year old druggy who claims he’s suddenly clean and happens to have been beaten up? Absolutely not.

He’ll have a social worker at that age, and if you get involved you run the risk of him losing that support and you becoming responsible for him.

Also people saying to let him move in with mandatory drug tests and rules etc. We all know people have enough issues with their own biological children at 16, thinking you can control a 16 year old with a history of drug use and with God knows who in his life is naive at best and dangerous at worst.

Some young people really don't stand a chance from the minute they are born due to no fault of their own.
You owe this young man nothing but if I were you I would at least give him a chance. This could be a turning point for him to go and become a successful adult with the right support from other sources, yourself and your lovely ds.
I personally would do this but would be making it crystal clear that this is not an opportunity to be wasted and that any trouble to your door would see him gone.
Good luck op, keep us posted x

You have a responsibility to your own 16 year old NOT to do it.

Your son is being very kind, but in this case it may be to his own detriment.

And disciplining one 16 year old is hard enough when they’re your own child, someone else‘s who’s been living alone for a year? You can forget it. There’s no chance I would put my son in the chaotic situation of having this person living with him. Add to that your son has already struggled with and repeated college. This is a nice thing for the child but a terrible thing for your own child so I think you should say no.

We took in my friend when he was 17 so he could finish his last year of A Levels as his step dad threw him out. He's now a highly regarded management consultant who runs a very successful consultancy business. He went a bit crazy that year but my parents were a great influence on him and he calmed down enough to get on a kind of apprenticeship scheme and never looked back. I would take him in and offer him a conditional place for 3 mths. If he keeps to the house rules he gets to stay.

Edited to correct typos

Perhaps you could ask him out to lunch somewhere neutral and get a feel for things. And, if that goes well end, ask him out again and ask him some straight questions. Or take him for a walk somewhere for coffee and cake. Teenagers do talk better when you are side by side rather than nose to nose.

Then you will feel in a better place to make a better decision. I feel for you. I wouldn’t like to do nothing either.

There is another thread running currently asking for non government support for a 16/17 year old living on his own through no fault of his. A number of replies gave links to organisations. You may like to look for that.

I think he deserves a chance, and I would take him in, but it would have to be on a strictly conditional basis that he adheres to all house rules and he has to keep taking positive steps in the right direction.

I wouldn't invite him to move in, in case it jeopardises his tenancy and / or brings drugs to your door

But there are loads of other ways you can offer support to him eg take him food shopping, informal mentoring / advocacy, teach him to cook, help him to budget his finances etc

I'd let him stay, but on the absolutely unbreakable condition that if he brings drugs into my house, he's out, no warnings, no discussion.

Care leavers are now assigned a social worker for several years after leaving care. This lad will be able to contact him and the social worker is paid to support him.
signpost the lad back to his care leaver social worker and tell your son you are happy to contact the social worker for the lad.
Dont have him live with you, you bring the lad’s problems- and his dealers- to your door. If they beat up him, what will the do to your daughter, you, your dog to settle the debt.
They don’t care that’s it’s not your debt, neither does the lad or he wouldn’t be choosing to live with you rather than go through his social worker

He needs to keep his own tenancy. How long is your ds envisaging that he's going to stay with you for? 'A bit' is too fluid in these circumstances. Could you assist him with appointments with his social worker etc, find out if it's more a case that he's missed appointments etc. I work within social care a lot and young people can end up in limbo if they are listed as not engaging. Ask for a change in social worker before he ends up being transferred to adult services . My local authority also has a transitions team for this sort of age, someone else mentioned the NEET team. Id personally go down the line of helping him access the services who should be providing assistance rather than trying to do it yourself.
Not saying he is, but if the assault was related to still using drugs or drug debt then he needs professional help, as someone else said, they will come after whoever they think will pay and you really don't want that for your son.

I would at least give it a chance. I think it would be unreasonable to assume he is going to be trouble.

In England and Wales its a support worker, not a social worker, and the OP has said they haven't offered much help.

In our area the service is better than some (eg the caseloads are lower) but it's still often limited to meeting up for a coffee once a month unless there's something specific like going with them to an appointment or helping them with a job application - and those sort of things require a certain amount of motivation and persistence from the young person. If the OP can help them to engage though (just a bit of encouragement/chivying can go a long way) they might find there's more out there for them.

No. Your son is going to present his friend in the best light, but that doesn’t mean what he’s saying about him is true.

You’d be foolish to invite this into your home, no matter how well intentioned. You could be making yourself and your home a target.