Fall out with my parents over children's behaviour in their care.

[Yeahyeahyeahnooooo]

NC for this. I don't know if I am BU, prepared to be told I am.

Parents live about an hour away, once a week they pick up dc from school, bring them to my house, have a few hours with them, we all eat together then they go home. We never asked them to do this and don't rely on it as childcare.

I find these evenings very stressful as I come home to chaos, they've given the dc crap to eat, don't even try to encourage good behaviour, allow them to stand on the dining table, jump on the sofa etc, it's dangerous and ridiculous. I've talked to them about it a few times and nothing improves.

A few weeks ago I sent them a long message the next day explaining that the way they encourage the dc to behave can't go on, they wouldn't have let me climb on the table/ jump on the sofa etc, and can they please try to support my boundaries and parenting. Just received a thumbs up 😒. A few hours later my Dad emailed my son's sports club to say he'd no longer be helping out there, and that was it, we haven't spoken since.

I feel absolutely releived to have a break from them if I'm honest, but wonder if I should be reaching out. They are stubborn and we never speak again! WWYD?

I don't understand why they do it if you're not relying on it for childcare. An hour drive and then childcare after school when children are strung out is no fun for anyone.

As much as it's annoying for you I think yabu. You could provide batch cooked meals if you're worried about the food but ultimately I don't understand why you wouldn't just sort out proper childcare rather than blame them.

Could have written very similar myself! Our parents are the same! No advice but you are not alone

Sending a message was a bit shitty
having a conversation would of been far better
yes you’ve talked to them before not sure how you think sending a message would of been better

Your mistake was in sending a message. It is pretty passive aggressive and you can't read tone - far, far better to have an honest conversation with people about issues than to 'send a text'.

In return you got a thumbs up, and your Dad has flounced.

I'd just leave it for now and make other arrangements for the day they used to come. If they are stubborn then let them be. At the end of the day it's their choice.

Yanbu im really laid back if someone has my kids its usually their rules go but they shouldn't be letting them climb on furniture thats ridiculous. Your dad is now being petty and childish which is just ridiculous. But would I break the family over it no sometimes you have to be the bigger person and it doesn't matter who is right or wrong. Your mum is probably really upset about the whole thing but your dad is being stubborn and doesn't want to go against her husband. I would give it a week or so let things settle and say I am grateful and happy you want to spend time with the kids and the kids love it but please set some boundaries over behaviour with them. If it was me I'd let the food thing go its one meal a week or you cook so they can just reheat, I mean the food can't be that bad its in your house.

This sounds like a nightmare and would frustrate me, bet the DC love it!

How many DC and how old are they?

But we've got childcare! They come because they like to see the dc, but it makes my life about a million times harder to wind them down again afterwards.

2 dc, 7 and 10.

I think you were being unreasonable.
How do you know your parents don't try and control.the children and they don't listen to them.
But even if they are not controlling them the way you want surely they deserve a conversation and not a text message.
They travel two hours every week and although you say you don't rely on them for childcare they have been providing it. And your dad has been helping at your son's sports club. I expect they are hurt rather than being stubborn.

I think sending it as a long message has gone down badly .
Better to have spoken and said look I know you like coming to see dc but it’s getting them too excited on a weekday and they don’t settle. They love seeing you but could we move to a Friday/weekend etc.

I’d just leave it for now. You aren’t unreasonable at all to say the kids can’t jump on the furniture. I don’t think given their reaction you’re wrong to have sent a text- it sounds like a conversation would just have resulted in them arguing back and forth.

give them some time, but it seems to me they are showing their true colours and trying to bully you.

If the dc were at my parents house then absolutely, they can do what they please. But it's not fair on the kids for me to walk in from work and immediately start telling them off for climbing, jumping etc when they have been encouraged to by my bloody parents!
By the food is crap I mean rather than make them a wrap or something to keep them going until dinner they'll give them a week of their lunchbox snacks, so mini cookies etc, not then end on the world in small doses, but bloody 5 bags in one sitting 😐

It often does hype kids up to see family.

The problem with a written communication like this is that it comes across without tone and it’s easy for people to get upset and offended which they clearly have done.

obviously you don’t want your kids getting like this, but did you really want to cut the whole relationship over it? A more diplomatic way might have been to say that after school isn’t working for you any more and suggest meeting up at weekends. Gets your objective achieved without upsetting anyone.

So the grandparents are picking the children up from the paid childcare option? That's madness!

I have DC of similar age though and once this behaviour is 'set' with certain people it will be very difficult to change. They've learnt they can piss about with the GPs and I doubt they or you will be able to much to pull it back, especially if GPs are tired from the drive and just want an easy life.

I'd take a moment to enjoy not having the chaos of them looking after the kids. Although I have to say at age 7 and 10 I would expect my kids to know that jumping on the sofa and climbing on the table is unacceptable at anytime whoever is looking after them. So I think that is on you as parent to come down on them hard with the consequences for that behaviour.

Do you think they are annoyed because your DC's are a bit rowdy and hard to manage and they don't feel they can or should have to discipline them?

At 7 and 10 I’d be firm with the children. They should know climbing on tables and jumping on sofa isn’t allowed. Make it clear house rules apply even on grandmas watch.

Doesn’t matter if you see them on a Tuesday, a Wednesday or a Friday- a ten year old jumping on furniture is not on.

No I agree a 10 year old should know not to do that no matter who is watching him.
I imagined they were reception age when op initially posted and getting over excited on a school night.

Enjoy the break for now. By all means reach out in a few weeks but don’t apologise just offer an olive branch. Your home, your rules. They aren’t doing you a favour and even if they were they should still respect your parenting choices.

To be fair the 10 y/o isn't jumping about as much, it's the younger one. He's a gorgeous child but needs very firm boundaries or can become really silly very quickly.
The dc do absolutely know how to behave, and would never dream of being like this with me, or their Dad, but the grandparents actively encourage the silliness, there's no encouragement of them going in to garden to burn off energy etc, just being chaotic in the house, but who wouldn't be after 5 servings of biscuits?!

"explaining that the way they encourage the dc to behave can't go on"

@Yeahyeahyeahnooooo messaging to criticise them, was never going to down well, was it, really?

I'd have strong words with your children tbh.

If you're happy to have a break from your parents then so be it.

Why not have a conversation with them
instead of sending them a message.

so easy to be misunderstood when messaging.

talk to them.

We had this, OP. The chaos and mess was incredibly stressful in the midst of a working week. I had a childminder booked and paid for in case the GP didn’t pick up on time (they often didn’t).
The house was a bomb site and the kids were amped up to a thousand. They also used to do things like drive back to theirs an hour away with vital items like the kids’ book bags for school or their coats.
As a result of all of this (and also another situation involving the GPs inviting themselves on holiday with us all the time) we now see them once every two months for a short period.
In my view, they really let me down when I needed solid support with two young kids and a demanding job.
Please note again - I wasn’t using them as unpaid childcare because they weren’t sufficiently reliable for school pick ups.

But the kids are kids and the adults should be adults.

Oh yes, the taking the school coat / shoes / book bag home with them, yes, we've had this as well! Jesus it's exhausting isn't it.
Either come and actually help, or don't. But don't pretend you're helping when you're actually just making life a thousand times harder for me!