Fall out with my parents over children's behaviour in their care.

[Yeahyeahyeahnooooo]

NC for this. I don't know if I am BU, prepared to be told I am.

Parents live about an hour away, once a week they pick up dc from school, bring them to my house, have a few hours with them, we all eat together then they go home. We never asked them to do this and don't rely on it as childcare.

I find these evenings very stressful as I come home to chaos, they've given the dc crap to eat, don't even try to encourage good behaviour, allow them to stand on the dining table, jump on the sofa etc, it's dangerous and ridiculous. I've talked to them about it a few times and nothing improves.

A few weeks ago I sent them a long message the next day explaining that the way they encourage the dc to behave can't go on, they wouldn't have let me climb on the table/ jump on the sofa etc, and can they please try to support my boundaries and parenting. Just received a thumbs up 😒. A few hours later my Dad emailed my son's sports club to say he'd no longer be helping out there, and that was it, we haven't spoken since.

I feel absolutely releived to have a break from them if I'm honest, but wonder if I should be reaching out. They are stubborn and we never speak again! WWYD?

yes, I understand that @likeafishneedsabike.

Wouldn't it have been more productive, all round, if @Yeahyeahyeahnooooo had had an actual conversation with her Mum & Dad outlining her frustrations though?

When my dm flounced from my home I didn't see her for 10 years.. Fucking bliss.
Leave them to it op.

I have this as well come home to "oh she hasn't eaten much dinner.... But discover they let her have a whole packet of jaffa cakes. What gets me is they would never have behaved like that when i was a child. 🙈

Yes I see your point.
But some people are terrible at listening and tend to interrupt or redirect the topic of conversation. Maybe the parents are like that, so OP decided to use a message format where she can’t be interrupted?

I do understand what people are saying about having a face to face conversation, but after a hundred time sof saying "please don't let them do forward rolls on the sofa" or "please don't let ds climb on the dining table" or "please don't let them eat 12 Jaffa Cakes before dinner" I was a bit stuck as to where to go next.

Impossible to have a serious conversation with dc here, my other otpion would have been to conference call them and them just become defensive and argumentative and I just can't be arsed.

I've reached the stage of "Either help or fuck off". And they've chosen to fuck off, so that's me told.

I worked out that they didn’t want to help. They wanted to SAY TO THEIR FRIENDS that they were helping. Important distinction, isn’t it?

Agree there should have been a conversation.

Wouldn't it have been easier to leave them some suitable food rather than expect them to prepare something?

It might be a distant relationship from here on in. And maybe that’s not a bad thing. In our case my DH was absolutely losing his mind with my parents’ impact on our family life and their style of ‘childcare’ - so things had to change for the sake of his sanity.

but @Yeahyeahyeahnooooo if it's

"Impossible to have a serious conversation with dc here" as their parent, why on earth are your parents more culpable and held to a higher standard, than you expect from yourself?

Would it really be too taxing to imagine they could, between them, muster up a wrap or some toast? If that's the bar for grandparent car then my expectations are wildly out! I absolutely don't expect a fancy snack prepared, just something less sugary than a dozen Jaffa Cakes.

We’ve had similar but not as bad. Had the flouncing parents. It’s so childish.

i would leave them for a bit and maybe arrange a lunch or coffee in neutral grounds to have a chat?

hopefully you can have a break from it and it won’t happen again! (As in they won’t do the weekly thing!)

it’s probably because they felt told off in the message and some parents don’t like this from their kids! Even if they are adult kids. The message prob wasn’t taken well. But if you’d already tried to speak to them and it hadn’t worked then words like this had to happen. Sorry if it’s ruined the relationship but it’s atrocious what they were doing!! What are they thinking???

Many grandparents love to buy affection with treats. I doubt someone who is choosing to allow a child to eat a whole pack of biscuits would give the healthy food pre-prepared, this is them trying desperately to be the fun option.

the silent treatment now is just bullying behaviour from the OPs parents. They are using silence as a weapon to get her to back down.

This. And don’t forget that some people use sugar as a control thing. ‘I have control of the sweets so be you need to be nice to me’. It’s a bit toxic.

This!

Oh the snacks!!! My parents comment on how they can’t fill my kids up but my kids have learnt if they say they’re hungry they’ll be offered a treat so they just tell them they’re hungry every 5 minutes. They also let them watch hours of TV and then moan that they just want to watch TV 🤣. I did remind them once it’s ok to say no or offer an alternative but they just said ‘well they’re happy aren’t they’ 😂

Personally I believe dc need dm /df with decent mental health over spending time with people who don't allow for that.

I wonder if they're encouraging the children to get up on the table? I can't fathom why else they'd resort to such behaviour when you're not present, as I'd expect they'd know that's not allowed whether you're present or not.

7 and 10 and they stand on the dining table
What on earth!

Did you speak to your DC about this?

I've talked to them about it a few times and nothing improves.

Because conversations weren't working.

Face to face wasn't working, that's obvious, OP. You've done the right thing by laying it out in writing since they were refusing to acknowledge they were actively making life harder for you. Sounds like they want to be 'popular grandparents' rather than reliable grandparents, frankly, so let them fuck off. Your dad's decision to stop helping at a sports club shows this is entirely about their egos and how they want to be perceived by their grandchildren, even if it means letting them behaved badly, eat like crap, and damage your belongings ... so all at your expense.

Don't back down.

I find it very strange that a 7 and 10 year old are even interested in jumping on sofas and climbing on tables. That's very odd. Mine would never have done that and a couple of them even have ADHD! What is going on that your kids even thought to do these things in the first place?

If it's once a week and they're starting with a wrap, I wouldn't worry too much for the relationship. There are obviously some behavioural issues to address though.

Well, I know what this is like. I’d even be prepared to forgive feeding them junk when it’s only once a week but standing on furniture etc is just absolutely not acceptable.

But I can imagine that it’s the way your message was phrased that has upset them. “The way they encourage them to behave” - or are the children doing it with no encouragement? If younger children then maybe, but at 7 and 10 I imagine they’re doing what they like rather than being “encouraged” to behave like that. And language like “support my boundaries and parenting” is a bit lame. You could have just said “don’t let them jump on the furniture”.

Honestly, if your children are that badly behaved, and instead of tackling it with them, you instead chose to tell off your parents, i can quite see why they've decided to step back.

Your children sound difficult and blaming it on a few biscuits is ridiculous. They absolutely should know how to behave regardless of who is with them, if anything, most children behave better for others! And the absolute audacity that you had blaming your parents is hilarious. Check your parenting and take some responsibility.

My inlaws never tell my kids off and constantly feed them crap. So now they don't see them very often and when we do see them I'm very firm on how much cake and biscuits they have and hubby always backs me up. He can't believe the things they let the kids do.

Surely the real problem is your children’s behaviour.