Fall out with my parents over children's behaviour in their care.

[Yeahyeahyeahnooooo]

NC for this. I don't know if I am BU, prepared to be told I am.

Parents live about an hour away, once a week they pick up dc from school, bring them to my house, have a few hours with them, we all eat together then they go home. We never asked them to do this and don't rely on it as childcare.

I find these evenings very stressful as I come home to chaos, they've given the dc crap to eat, don't even try to encourage good behaviour, allow them to stand on the dining table, jump on the sofa etc, it's dangerous and ridiculous. I've talked to them about it a few times and nothing improves.

A few weeks ago I sent them a long message the next day explaining that the way they encourage the dc to behave can't go on, they wouldn't have let me climb on the table/ jump on the sofa etc, and can they please try to support my boundaries and parenting. Just received a thumbs up 😒. A few hours later my Dad emailed my son's sports club to say he'd no longer be helping out there, and that was it, we haven't spoken since.

I feel absolutely releived to have a break from them if I'm honest, but wonder if I should be reaching out. They are stubborn and we never speak again! WWYD?

I’ve always believed in my house my rules but their house their rules - eg they can eat chips with their fingers or stay up a bit late at ours (GPs) but not if we’re looking after them at theirs.

Great. But what do their parents believe? Or do they just have to lump this?

I would be speaking to my children about their behaviour not my parents or their other parents your children are old enough to behave

I suspect the "long message" sent to them has caused more offence than a shorter one, or a more firm conversation
Agree though that the children themselves should be spoke to

My kids are a couple of years younger than yours and would know better than to jump on sofas or climb on the dining table, even in my absence. I think maybe you should focus more on your kids rather than your parents.

The context of the standing on the table thing was a competition over who is taller, youngest dc asked if he'd be taller if he stood on a chair, a table etc, and grandparents said "go on then, try". So yes fully encouraged.

Grandparents have also taught youngest dc to do a wedgie - I absolutely lost it over that, can you imagine the phonecall from the safeguarding lead at school when he starts putting his hands down other kids pants and pulling?! Plus taught him to do a "wet willie" - dangerous and gross. "Help" like that I can live without.

Because this is AIBU some posters (later into the evening yesterday and prob after bank holiday vino) want to troll OP and blame her for her kids’ behaviour. The real issue is that these GPs are trying to be the cool granny and grandpa - and as a result working against the parents.
In my own very similar case I would come home from work to sugar high toddlers having ‘races’ around a dining room table with four corners exactly at head height. To them, everyone was just having a great time until miserable mummy put an end to the fun and japery. So I totally understand the dynamic OP describes.

I would enjoy the time apart

She clearly said she doesn’t rely on it for childcare. It sounds like the grandparents want to spend time with the kids and are coming through to do that.

If it’s a hindrance more than a help, knock it on the head.

See I wish my parents were more involved. And then I read then I read this - now I’m not so sure. Same stubborn crap though where they refuse to respect your boundaries and sulk every time you point them out.

Leave them to it.

I don’t think yabu, if they were going to take them for a whole day and deal with the fallout from all the rubbish snacks and mess, possible injuries then fair enough take them away and do it but not on a school night when you need to deal with the aftermath.

this just seems to satisfy their need to be interacting with the kids and being grandparents once a week. They aren’t showing any support or stepping up to be helpful.

my parents are the same, they come to visit the kids but don’t babysit for us, it’s chaos as when they visit they stay overnight and are pretty useless so I feel like I have another 2 dependents when they’re here and have to cater for them as they treat being here like being on holiday (we live in another part of UK from them which means they fly to us) I find it really hard to deal with and get on much better without them here.

This is it in a nutshell - refusing to respect boundaries and them sulking when boundaries are reasserted. This is the reason that we have contact six times per year now.

I feel absolutely releived to have a break from them if I'm honest

That's the important part of your post. Let them come to you.

If you don’t need the childcare and this arrangement does nothing for you then it’s best it has come to end. You can meet up with them at weekends and holidays when you can all spend time together and supervise your own children. Give them a couple of weeks to calm down. It’s normal for GP’s to let the GC’s do things that they wouldn’t have let you do as a child!

these visits from your parents are stressful and counterproductive.

your dad seems quite reactive and spiteful to say he won’t help with whatever that club is that he helps with, but I don’t suppose that’s much of an ongoing problem for you.

I’d leave parents to stew in their own juices and get on with your lift.

and you do absolutely need to make your children understand what behaviour is ok and what is not. I can see they were egged on, but still, the 10yo is definitely old enough to say that [whatever] is not allowed at home.

Life not lift!

Why don’t they just visit when you are home?

Primary after school times is such a crap time of day. Exhausted but wired kids who need to decompress. I think it sounds like a nightmare all round. It would be better to change the day that they see them to a day when being in their company isn't a massive chore

@Yeahyeahyeahnooooo I think you should enjoy it for now. The peace of not having their "help" I mean. They seem very immature. My Mil has always been strict on security and behaviour while also being extremely loving and funny. The kids love her.

Decide here and now that your parents will not "help" with the children anymore but invite them to spend time together (while you are present). They probably want to be the "fun and wild" gps allowing everything and throwing sugar at them so they need to have supervised visits with your children. Sad, but it's because of their lazy and immature "grandparenting".

In my family the rule is parents' house parents' rules, granny's house granny's rules (within reason.)

My MIL did similar.

At 7 and 10 you can speak to the kids and remind them that if you catch them jumping on the furniture etc... then they will have no screens/TV for a week and if they eat huge amounts of junk food then they won't be needing any pudding for the rest of the week. They need to take responsibility for their own behaviour and know the consequences.

My kids would eat one junk thing then ask for fruit!! MIL rolled her eyes to begin with then actually started giving them healthy snacks.

It’s absolutely exhausting. You just get to a point when you have to ask yourself whether it’s worth it anymore.

Your kids are getting older. They’re teaching them it’s ok to undermine you. I would let them fuck off and fuck off some more.

This is a brilliant post which absolutely nails it.
We did exactly this - invited them to spend time with us as a family instead of with the kids on their own. The GPs found it very boring and absolutely hated going to any attractions like castles or children’s farms - or even country walks. Any attempts to play board games or whatever indoors lasted 20 mins max before they got bored. Despised children’s movies (which my DC loved).
So it became clear that they didn’t WANT TO actually spend time with the DC. They had just wanted to be the cool GPs who jacked them up on sugar and did naughty things behind mummy and daddy’s back.

Why are biscuits even left readily available to give them. I'd just make sure some healthier snacks are left out very obvious with a note that here are some after school snacks for the kids - fruit, crackers etc.
And put the treat stuff well out if the way so your parents can't just easily dole it out.

And as others have said, I'd be directing the warnings at the kids - at 7 and 10 they shouldn't be taking advantage of elderly grandparents and should be behaving themselves. If I got in and my kids were jumping on the sofa they'd get an earful and warned grandma and grandad wouldn't be able to come and look after them again if that's the way they are behaving for them. They are your kids - lots of grandparents don't want to be in parent mode telling kids off.