Constant competitive undereating is giving me the rage

[Bettercallsalli]

Family Easter meal and once again ruined by my mother!
After 6 mouthfuls...o im so full. Cutting peas in half...just makes us all that eat nornally on edge.

Oh there won't be will there? Don't talk to me like a child. I literally don't give a fuck what you think about iron needs, NO ONE is assessing guests nutritional needs when serving a meal at a family get together. They are serving what they know they want and what they know will get eaten and not thrown away.

You're the one inventing some twisted narrative about shit hosting, starving guests leaving food because I got the ratios wrong and not because they're actually full and all the other bollocks. I know the women in my family want piles of roasties and will leave a big pile of meat. I know the men want a big pile of meat and my dad always brings "emergency sausages" just in case. As a biologist with a career background in food safety I know that is also true at the societal level. The patriarchy isn't robbing women of their iron, they are literally choosing potatoes because they like them more. It's not difficult.

I really don't care about this as much you do. You're the one desperate to prove a point I think is wrong, so prove it, with research, or jog on and leave me alone. I notice you haven't produced any research on why women eat less meat yet, just that they're iron deficient. It's not the same thing, and I won't have you claiming it is while acting superior.

Oh, congratulations on being fathered by somebody in the 0.003% of adult males in the UK that are that tall.

Do you really think the OP doesn't recognise the virtue-signalling, passive aggressive nature of her mother's performative under-eating, when she has known her mother and seen her behaviour for her whole life? Of course some people, especially elderly ones, eat small portions just because they have a small appetite. They don't make a song and dance about it and cut peas in half though, do they?

There’s also the other way round too
I am 5ft 11 and exercise a lot, I need more than a 5ft 8 male sedentary office worker

I hate to apportion blame for this because it does feel cruel, but I will always hold resentment and anger towards my mother and my aunt because I swear their attitudes towards food contributed to the death of my sister. My sister even said that herself. She died of heart failure following a very long battle with anorexia.

Growing up in our family in the 1990s/early 00s was absolute hell in terms of food.
The constant labelling of “good” and “bad” foods, the “you’re such a little pig!” if you dared to eat a dry cracker after your super satiating meal of half an unseasoned, boiled chicken breast, 3 new potatoes, and 2 florets of broccoli.
My sisters and I always caught my mum “body-checking” in the mirror, and my dad having to reassure her that “no, Debbie, you haven’t put on any weight since this morning.”

Her and my aunt would point people out in the street and call them disgustingly fat (they weren’t), they’d use words like shovelling, gobbling, wolfing, chomping, to describe anyone actually daring to enjoy a meal.
In the throes of my sister’s ED, I even received a comment about how I should “try to shift a few pounds, just like Chloe has.”
Until she was dangerously underweight and hospitalised, they had no idea she had an ED because she looked “just looked like them”. Then of course when she died, it was “our poor girl, why on earth did she let herself get that small and not ask for help?!”

I can empathise, they clearly have an eating disorder/fragmented relationship with food themselves, and they’ll never admit it. But their attitudes have done so much damage, I just don’t care anymore. I love them dearly but I keep my distance.

My mum and dad are divorced now and I was so apprehensive going to my step-mum’s for the first time. She was cooking a roast and I was so worried that she’d berate me for wanting seconds, or accepting pudding, that I pretended I had just finished a course of antibiotics that made me feel queasy so would only have a very small portion. Imagine my relief when I saw her portion size was a proper decent adult portion, and to see my dad actually enjoying a proper meal for once!

Omds tell her if shes that full after a few mouthfuls, make a big deal out of her going to the doctors for a check up. 'O mother , you really must get that checked, i'm v concerned... i tell you what i'll book you an appointment and take you, we will get to the bottom of this' if she does the baby voice and says your being dramatic, just exclaim 'but i'm your daughter' (in a high pitched dramatic tone) honestly, play the game. Xx

That's heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. People with long-standing eating disorders and no insight are incredibly damaged and damaging 💐

My MIL exactly the same! It’s actually getting steadily worse over the years. She stopped cooking years ago. When we do visit now she buys high calorie “treat food” for us to help ourselves with, even though DH has high b.p and cholesterol and never touches it herself. There was no Easter Sunday lunch booked but brunch where it took her ages to decide what to eat and then settled for a kids fry up! That kids fry up was her food intake for the rest of the day!

Just ignore her?

Why do you play along? Just eat your meal and she can either go hungry or order for herself.

I am 75. I wish my appetite was the size of a sparrow’s.
when I used to have a lunch out with my late DM, she would often comment saying ‘let’s share a portion of chips. We don’t need one each.’
Oh yes we do Mum, oh yes we do.

You need to buy petit pois then they wouldn't be so easy to cut in half.

I'm slim too (well, not as slim as I used to be, now a size 10/12 but happy with that given how much I eat). When people comment on how much I can put away I just say 'yep, love it, high metabolism or whatever it is, but I make the most of it! Pass the cake!'

It's a superpower, enjoy it!

My MIL was like this - very dramatic protestations about how she couldn't eat more than three bites, how much food it was, whilst also trying to load my plate up. She smoked like a chimney to stay thin, so it was all deliberate.

Bloody annoying but hard ignore. They want a reaction, so don't give it to them and enjoy the meal and conversation will the other, hopefully reasonable, people around you.

Yes, itstge song and dance that gives it away, isnt it?

People's appetites vary, even on different dats, but only attention seekers make a huge deal out of it.

My grandparents are / were like this.

They comment loudly on other peoples weight when they’re out and about (very embarrassing). It’s almost like to them there’s nothing worse than being fat. I find it all very boring. There’s more to life and I like to enjoy it 🍻

I didn't look pg with first - baby up under ribs till very late - and I lost weight - ate better had morning sickness till quite late and big one we moved and we walk not drive to a very hilly area - so was getting more excerise in every day daily life.

Still had MIL making a fuss about my size - she had DH two months early nearly lost him - made a fuss about me having any maternity clothes as she hadn't needed them.

She made huge fuss about me losing weight after and what I was eating- despite me weighing less than previous and bf - so needed slightly higher calories.

Next two pg - very much looked pg carried very differently but same behavior from MIL - so nothing to do with my actual circustances.

What an odd comment, I don't consider my giant family an achievement, we struggle to find clothes and shoes. I would rather be short like my mum's side of the family. It's cheaper and she can find her size in anything.

I honestly don’t know why anyone (young/old, big eater/small eater) feels the need to talk about or worry about either their own plate, or what others are eating.🤷‍♀️

I can’t eat much, and I’m not shovelling too much food down myself, to keep others happy. Not interested in what they think. If I eat too much, I feel bloated and unwell. Not happening. 🙄

By the same token, I wouldn't dream of making snide remarks about others eating large meals, whatever their weight. Their business. .

Each to their own - but no need to talk about it to others. Do what makes you feel good. 🤷‍♀️

Of course! I'm 5 ft 11 and very active too, I eat a lot more than my tiny grandad who at 5 ft 4 is the tallest person on my mums side of the family.

The only difference is when I eat more because I'm bigger no one bats an eyelid, when men eat more because they're bigger all the women get their knickers in a twist and start shouting about penis portions!

This is my MIL, on the rare occasion she will join us for a meal out she will order a starter...go on & on about how full she is after 2 bites, then the next day will still go on about how she couldn't eat for the rest of the day because she is still so full. What really pees me off is when she comments if someone dares orders a pudding (mainly kids) she will make loud erggggggh noises and how can you eat that comments . The kids (teenagers) have now learnt to respond, "No one asked you for you opinion or noises, thank you"😂😂. She definitely has a massive hang up over food and we know she eats secretly.

My mother was EXACTLY like this to the point that, when she received her terminal diagnosis she said, "At least I'll lose some weight."

Grim. Took me years to get over addictions/disordered eating - wonder why?

I wouldn’t notice if she did! I’m generally not watching other people’s plates and judging them.

I voted - YANBU That behaviour would be extremely triggering/enabling for my anorexic daughter. I hope there were not any young people witnessing this. The way adults talk about food, diets, calories, exercise etc can be very toxic to young minds and affects the way they see food and nutrition. I've seen the damage it can do, and wouldn't wish an eating disorder on anyone :(

I'd be pissed off at that. I'm anaemic and also trying to get more protein as I lift weights. I'm also a normal weight whereas DH struggles.

Men can fill up on carbs, women need the iron.