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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Constant competitive undereating is giving me the rage

550 replies

Bettercallsalli · 05/04/2026 20:39

Family Easter meal and once again ruined by my mother!
After 6 mouthfuls...o im so full. Cutting peas in half...just makes us all that eat nornally on edge.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 07/04/2026 10:12

Pianoaholic · 07/04/2026 09:59

Haven't RTFT yet but this is an interesting subject for me as I had anorexia in my late teens. This was in late 80s/early 90s and my mum blamed herself as she was always on some diet or other throughout my childhood. I don't actually think that was the reason I became anorexic, it was more complicated than that.

One thing I do wonder about with competitive undereating is whether some of these people haven't really achieved much else in life so have become fixated with their eating habits and weight.

Dieting talk doesn’t help anorexia, It is not the root cause as it is a mental health problem, one of the biggest MH killers, after suicide.

One thing I do wonder about with competitive undereating is whether some of these people haven't really achieved much else in life so have become fixated with their eating habits and weight.
I don’t think. I spend a lot of time in the hospitals with DS, the female doctors are very slim. The gym is full of body conscious professional women. It’s self control in a lot of cases

Pianoaholic · 07/04/2026 10:14

Yes. I think maybe with 'some' people it could be the case. It gives them attention anyway.

CruCru · 07/04/2026 10:16

Someone once said that anorexics want to win, they are competitive. If being the person who eats the least at dinner wins praise then that is “winning”.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 07/04/2026 10:20

CruCru · 07/04/2026 10:16

Someone once said that anorexics want to win, they are competitive. If being the person who eats the least at dinner wins praise then that is “winning”.

I disagree as genuine anorexic people can’t eat much, would never go for a meal with others, hides in bagging clothing, it’s referred to as the secret illness so I doubt they want to win bring attention to their bones by competing to under eat.

SatinPajamas · 07/04/2026 10:21

Everybodys · 07/04/2026 09:25

Obsessing about your guests macros is indeed weird, which is why it was such a poor idea of yours in the first place to start whining about calories and obesity in a discussion about penis portions. Nobody should actually be doing that when they're plating up. That of course includes penis portion givers.

Interesting that you're trying to make this specifically about our own guests now, but no dice. You made lots of comments about wider society and obesity problems, which means you don't get to make this only about what we all serve our guests. And iron intake is really, really important. It's a major women's health issue. You can either understand how important it is or be wrong.

There are two choices here: either you can try and make the discussion about wider diet and nutrition issues, in which case iron deficiency is part of that just like obesity and we will be addressing the question of why some people when serving food only care about that one aspect. Or you can leave both out of it. But you're not having a secret third option where we only talk about the aspects of nutrition and health that you like.

Oh I'm not having it am I 😂 there you go again dictating what I can have, no dice unfortunately, your commands aren't relevant here.

I was referencing wider society obesity problems simply because you seem unable to comprehend the simple fact that with all the obese women about they clearly haven't got the memo that they need less food and they certainly aren't withering away in the face of "the penis portions" you're crying about. Women are not starving because men are having all the food, they just aren't.

Men need more food than women and therefore it is normal to give a man a bigger meal than a woman because he will need more food to feel full. It's really not difficult, it's basic science, it's written on every food packet you've ever handled, but the infantile reaction to the basic fact that men need more food is to shout PENIS PORTIONS!!! Like a petulant child. It's really juvenile. And to then call it misogyny that women eat less, well of course they eat less they're smaller with less muscle mass, they are SUPPOSED to eat less, a whole 500 calories a day less! It's like whining that the children aren't getting adult portions, why the fuck would they?

For the last time because I'm bored of you and your self importance. I do not care about my guests iron intake. I do not care about their calorie requirements or intake. All I care about is that they are full and have enjoyed their meal. When the women are leaving their smaller portions because they are full, but the men are finishing their larger portions, I will continue to give them larger portions and see anyone who thinks that is an act of misogyny and whines about penis portions as childish and stupid. When the women start finishing their meals and saying they are still hungry, I will give them equal portions to the men, but until that happens, I will continue give them smaller portions and not waste a load of food to prove some silly little point about "penis portions". I mean for fuck sake it sounds like something a ten year old would whine about, you're a grown woman stop inventing silly little phrases for something you want to be offended about when it's really not an issue.

And lastly, yes, women need more iron. I am not disputing that. What I am telling you and you clearly can't understand is that it's not my responsibility to manage my guests iron intake or health needs. My only responsibility is to fill them up with tasty food! They're guests not my dependents!! The fact that you can't understand the nuance between referencing wider society obesity to illustrate the point people do not need as much food as they are eating whilst we are still actually discussing serving family meals at get togethers reflects poorly on your critical thinking and is not my problem. As such, I won't be wasting any more time trying to explain it to you. I would advise you don't waste any more of your time whining about penis portions and just enjoy your food without worrying how much other people eat but I get the sense that's not going happen.

TheGander · 07/04/2026 10:57

EmeraldShamrock000 · 07/04/2026 10:20

I disagree as genuine anorexic people can’t eat much, would never go for a meal with others, hides in bagging clothing, it’s referred to as the secret illness so I doubt they want to win bring attention to their bones by competing to under eat.

There is a competitive element to anorexia. They compete with themselves to eat ever smaller quantities of food. On eating disorders wards they also compete with each other. I’m a dietitian and I’ve seen it. To the point that having to be tube fed can be a badge of honour.

CypressGrove · 07/04/2026 11:14

Good lord, can you not just let your guests serve up their own plates instead of all this arguing about finely tuned serving sizes.

CruCru · 07/04/2026 12:31

SpaceRaccoon · 07/04/2026 07:16

Does anyone else have relatives of a certain age who, when receiving their plate of food, will constantly state "it's very rich" in tones of annoyed disapproval?

I used to know someone who did this. My Mum would arrange to meet her in a cafe and she would say things like “Oh … it looks a bit rich. I don’t know if I want any” and generally make An Enormous Boring Fuss before eating all of whatever it was.

Its a shame, it got to the point where my Mum stopped meeting her because she said it was exhausting.

Everybodys · 07/04/2026 12:41

SatinPajamas · 07/04/2026 10:21

Oh I'm not having it am I 😂 there you go again dictating what I can have, no dice unfortunately, your commands aren't relevant here.

I was referencing wider society obesity problems simply because you seem unable to comprehend the simple fact that with all the obese women about they clearly haven't got the memo that they need less food and they certainly aren't withering away in the face of "the penis portions" you're crying about. Women are not starving because men are having all the food, they just aren't.

Men need more food than women and therefore it is normal to give a man a bigger meal than a woman because he will need more food to feel full. It's really not difficult, it's basic science, it's written on every food packet you've ever handled, but the infantile reaction to the basic fact that men need more food is to shout PENIS PORTIONS!!! Like a petulant child. It's really juvenile. And to then call it misogyny that women eat less, well of course they eat less they're smaller with less muscle mass, they are SUPPOSED to eat less, a whole 500 calories a day less! It's like whining that the children aren't getting adult portions, why the fuck would they?

For the last time because I'm bored of you and your self importance. I do not care about my guests iron intake. I do not care about their calorie requirements or intake. All I care about is that they are full and have enjoyed their meal. When the women are leaving their smaller portions because they are full, but the men are finishing their larger portions, I will continue to give them larger portions and see anyone who thinks that is an act of misogyny and whines about penis portions as childish and stupid. When the women start finishing their meals and saying they are still hungry, I will give them equal portions to the men, but until that happens, I will continue give them smaller portions and not waste a load of food to prove some silly little point about "penis portions". I mean for fuck sake it sounds like something a ten year old would whine about, you're a grown woman stop inventing silly little phrases for something you want to be offended about when it's really not an issue.

And lastly, yes, women need more iron. I am not disputing that. What I am telling you and you clearly can't understand is that it's not my responsibility to manage my guests iron intake or health needs. My only responsibility is to fill them up with tasty food! They're guests not my dependents!! The fact that you can't understand the nuance between referencing wider society obesity to illustrate the point people do not need as much food as they are eating whilst we are still actually discussing serving family meals at get togethers reflects poorly on your critical thinking and is not my problem. As such, I won't be wasting any more time trying to explain it to you. I would advise you don't waste any more of your time whining about penis portions and just enjoy your food without worrying how much other people eat but I get the sense that's not going happen.

I think you'll find they are relevant, because if I choose to bring something up then either you'll need to address it or it will be obvious you've failed to and I then get the opportunity to draw attention to that. It's just how these things work.

You referenced wider societal problems because you wanted to talk about them in response to multiple women discussing penis portions. That's your choice, but what it also means is that other people get to bring up other wider societal problems relating to diet, like low iron, and they'll be relevant.

The only way to avoid this would've been to not talk about wider societal obesity in relation to penis portions in the first place, but it's too late for that now. You did that to yourself. It also means that you don't get to pretend this is solely about what you specifically choose to feed your guests based on their known preferences. The time for that has been and gone, and you did that to yourself too.

AprilMizzel · 07/04/2026 12:53

SpaceRaccoon · 07/04/2026 07:16

Does anyone else have relatives of a certain age who, when receiving their plate of food, will constantly state "it's very rich" in tones of annoyed disapproval?

Yes - it's no indication as to whether it will be entirely consumed or not either.

And usuual after smaller portion has been requested and judged before serving. It was always particularly bad when I cooked or baked - so no longer do that - DH cookes and gets it occaionally or we go out o rsay kids did baking - they usually helped.

FrenchandSaunders · 07/04/2026 13:00

@Chunkychips23 ... dropped to a plank 😂, that's both hilarious and extremely fecked up!

Thankfully both my mum and MIL enjoyed their food ... however, have more than a glass of wine and they were slipping AA comments into the convo ...

ThatCyanCat · 07/04/2026 13:01

CypressGrove · 07/04/2026 11:14

Good lord, can you not just let your guests serve up their own plates instead of all this arguing about finely tuned serving sizes.

Depends on the table size and things like that. Also depends on whether you can trust people to take a reasonable amount, at least at first. The counterpoint to the competitive undereaters are the people who clear the buffet before everyone has had a chance to serve themselves.

ThatCyanCat · 07/04/2026 13:10

And I should add: the performative and competitive undereaters will not be thwarted by a mere buffet. If anything, it gives them further opportunity to comment and perform as they're now witnesses and participants to the serving procedure itself. Remember, we are not talking about normal people who simply don't eat much and will just plate what they want for themselves and leave everyone else alone.

HotGazpacho · 07/04/2026 13:18

EmeraldShamrock000 · 07/04/2026 10:20

I disagree as genuine anorexic people can’t eat much, would never go for a meal with others, hides in bagging clothing, it’s referred to as the secret illness so I doubt they want to win bring attention to their bones by competing to under eat.

That’s not been true in the cases I’m familiar with. Eating with others has enabled the competitive element.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 07/04/2026 13:20

ThatCyanCat · 07/04/2026 13:10

And I should add: the performative and competitive undereaters will not be thwarted by a mere buffet. If anything, it gives them further opportunity to comment and perform as they're now witnesses and participants to the serving procedure itself. Remember, we are not talking about normal people who simply don't eat much and will just plate what they want for themselves and leave everyone else alone.

Edited

A competitive under-eater loves a buffet. I was in a group travelling in SE Asia and one of our number was like this. Every single fucking meal was an endless commentary on how she couldn't possibly eat all this food, she ate like a bird at home, she simply didn't know how we other women could eat so much, gosh we're not having another meal, surely? We only ate breakfast five hours ago and schlepping up a mountain in between then and now couldn't possibly mean that we need more food already!

A buffet just gave her extra ammunition: all of the above aimed at us and what we ate PLUS commentary on how much food was on the table.

Honestly, it was only the thought of doing time in prison there that stopped me pushing her in the Mekong.

ThatCyanCat · 07/04/2026 13:32

BrightYellowDaffodil · 07/04/2026 13:20

A competitive under-eater loves a buffet. I was in a group travelling in SE Asia and one of our number was like this. Every single fucking meal was an endless commentary on how she couldn't possibly eat all this food, she ate like a bird at home, she simply didn't know how we other women could eat so much, gosh we're not having another meal, surely? We only ate breakfast five hours ago and schlepping up a mountain in between then and now couldn't possibly mean that we need more food already!

A buffet just gave her extra ammunition: all of the above aimed at us and what we ate PLUS commentary on how much food was on the table.

Honestly, it was only the thought of doing time in prison there that stopped me pushing her in the Mekong.

Edited

At least in prison you'd have been able to eat in peace though.

HotGazpacho · 07/04/2026 13:41

Imanexcellentdrivercharliebabbit · 07/04/2026 07:16

Ha! Touched a nerve have I duckie !

You sound pleasant. 🥴

BrightYellowDaffodil · 07/04/2026 13:44

ThatCyanCat · 07/04/2026 13:32

At least in prison you'd have been able to eat in peace though.

There was that! Grin

SatinPajamas · 07/04/2026 13:54

Everybodys · 07/04/2026 12:41

I think you'll find they are relevant, because if I choose to bring something up then either you'll need to address it or it will be obvious you've failed to and I then get the opportunity to draw attention to that. It's just how these things work.

You referenced wider societal problems because you wanted to talk about them in response to multiple women discussing penis portions. That's your choice, but what it also means is that other people get to bring up other wider societal problems relating to diet, like low iron, and they'll be relevant.

The only way to avoid this would've been to not talk about wider societal obesity in relation to penis portions in the first place, but it's too late for that now. You did that to yourself. It also means that you don't get to pretend this is solely about what you specifically choose to feed your guests based on their known preferences. The time for that has been and gone, and you did that to yourself too.

Dear me. Someone's a control freak 😂

Differentforgirls · 07/04/2026 14:52

SatinPajamas · 07/04/2026 13:54

Dear me. Someone's a control freak 😂

Just as an observer of this bizarre tit for tat, it’s as boring as fuck and is completely derailing the thread. Two attention seekers with main character syndrome.

SpiceGirlsNeedAComeBack · 07/04/2026 14:57

Differentforgirls · 07/04/2026 14:52

Just as an observer of this bizarre tit for tat, it’s as boring as fuck and is completely derailing the thread. Two attention seekers with main character syndrome.

I second this.

Differentforgirls · 07/04/2026 15:01

SpiceGirlsNeedAComeBack · 07/04/2026 14:57

I second this.

Teenagequeenwithaloadedgun · 07/04/2026 15:12

Differentforgirls · 07/04/2026 14:52

Just as an observer of this bizarre tit for tat, it’s as boring as fuck and is completely derailing the thread. Two attention seekers with main character syndrome.

Totally agree, what a pointless derail.

Differentforgirls · 07/04/2026 15:17

Teenagequeenwithaloadedgun · 07/04/2026 15:12

Totally agree, what a pointless derail.

It’s like the “having a guest at Christmas
thread” which ended up dying because people started boring on about fucking flannels.

CruCru · 07/04/2026 15:40

Differentforgirls · 07/04/2026 14:52

Just as an observer of this bizarre tit for tat, it’s as boring as fuck and is completely derailing the thread. Two attention seekers with main character syndrome.

Absolutely!