Are most kids like this?

[Neverstopsever]

Really not enjoying motherhood at the moment and generally always did in the past.
My Dc, just 8, feels like such hard work to me. She is never satisfied, she has a lovely life, lots of friends, lots going on, but she is so whingy (spelling?) at the moment. She cannot occupy herself at all anymore, she’s bored with everything. She has so many toys, books, art supplies, a garden, trampoline, bike, scooter.
She constantly pesters to play on the computer, she’s allowed occasionally or to go out on her bike (Dh takes her a couple of times a day)
I’m tired of constantly having to find her something to do, we play with her lots, take her out lots, she plays with friends.
Shouldn’t a child at this age be able to find things to do and let us have a relaxed day, without moaning they’re bored all day or constantly arguing with me when I’ve said no to playing on the computer
I remember being left to it as a child and feeling quite content
Dh and I both so exhausted

I think this is probably true. OP says her daughter is busy but that’s family outings and a weekend play date. OP’s daughter sounds like a high energy extrovert, so this is not enough!

Frankly OP, you sound like an introvert who has found themselves parenting a high energy extrovert. A high energy extrovert who’s an only child to boot.

OP, you don’t mention any sports or clubs she does (out of school time). Your daughter sounds like someone who could really benefit from those.

If she’s an only child is especially important to get her spending lots of time with other children. It sounds like she really wants this. I would prioritise building a couple of regular sports clubs into her routine.

It’s not something I’ve experienced directly but I have a relative whose child has always been like this. I think you need to start off small and build up her tolerance. Be firm but give her clear boundaries and time limits to work with. She’s old enough to tell the time so start with things that have fixed deadlines like I’ll play with you in 30mins or I’m making lunch I’ll be ready to play at 2pm. She’s not going to develop it over night so your not going to get a whole afternoon off any time soon but it can be done.

She doesn’t have regular access at all and definitely not compared to friends, it’s a desktop computer with building games

She does piano and dance during the week, school all day, club twice a week or playing with a friend, walking the dog, trampoline and football with dad in the garden. Weekends she is at her friends or they’re here or we are out. We’d done so many activities and seen her friends all week, yesterday after a morning egg hunt, we were exhausted

She sounds busy op, but that schedule isn’t very much actual exercise. Dance is the only thing there, and that’s what - 30 mins a week? As a sporty parent, by 8 years old, non negotiable for me was an hour of exercise per day, they could choose the sport. Many 8 year olds are doing things like 5km park runs; at swim club swimming 2km; etc. I think if you’re not sporty yourself, you can be unaware of how much others are doing. I think getting her in to a sport - and by 8 you can drop and go 🥳 - might be your answer.

Yes you’re probably right, dance is an hour. I was thinking gymnastics & trampolining too but was wary of overloading her

You wouldn’t be overloading her, sounds like she needs it.

Hate harping about the olden days, but I remember only too well those rainy Saturdays at that age stuck in, with no tv for kids in the daytime. I would read, play my DP’s LPs and have a sing along, cut up the newspaper to make doilies and paper doll chains, make concoctions out in the kitchen pretending I was a cook, anything just to find something to do and always ended up finding some fun and filling the time. Gosh how times have changed 😄

Do you think children don’t do this now?

I mean yes, they won’t be listening to their parents’ LPs, but children do play. Mine have been playing happily enough for the best part of two hours now. But children are different and some are just better at self sufficiency and independent play than others are.

Screens do play a part but some children are just like this. One of my friends has a DD a similar age to my DS. I had her one day last September as her school didn’t start until the day after DS and I was exhausted. She just needed my constant input and encouragement; I left her downstairs for a few moments while I put my younger DD down for a nap and she couldn’t cope, she needed me all the time.

Try giving her a routine on days at home. Come up with a list of things with her. Include something active and a chore in the list and then things she enjoys.

What do you say to her initially, when you tell her to play on her own, and what do you say when she comes back asking again? It would be helpful to know so posters can give the best advice.

I'm asking because I wonder if it's a mix of things - a) you're not being firm enough and not clear enough about what you want b) she has to learn to spend some time on her own at home and learn to respect that others need quiet/alone time sometimes and c) she's a high energy child that needs more exercise.

I agree with @arethereanyleftatall that she needs at least an hour of exercise a day, quite strenuous exercise. I think a group sport, involving a lot of energy and running around would be good for her, e.g football or similar. A group sport will also help her to learn to work with her teammates, this is important since she doesn't have siblings.
Then teach her to play quietly on her own, read, craft, watch a film etc for a few hours at home. Plus teach her that nagging won't work! If you give some more information then maybe posters can help you come up with strategies that will work for your situation.

I think this is partly a question pushing through your own irritation/discomfort to be honest. Do your own thing. If she disturbs that thing tell her you're busy and she needs to leave you to it. Then you have to persist however uncomfortable that is because if you don't she's not going to believe you mean it is she.

If she generally has toys and does activities - which it sounds like she does then maybe she has to learn to occupy herself better. If mine said this I would say "What are you going to find yourself to do then?" Learning to occupy themselves is a skill they need to learn, you are not her entertainments manager!

The classic method for dealing with kids who are whining that they're bored is find chores for them to do.

She needs to be bored. Really really bored.

This isn't uncommon but definitely not the norm either. I think you have to be very firm, children need to respect parents need a break and it's not parents job to play with them for long periods. Easier said than done. I think a schedule or timer would work in terms of your own breaks. 30 mins no talking to Mum time. Honestly i think younger kids from 3 should have the same for 5 mins or so and build up. Maybe a schedule of occupations for 10 mins each might help. Some kids love a set schedule and hate the unknown and indecision.

I work with young kids and there are always a few every year who don't seem to know how to play. They need constant direction and adult assurance and it's really draining. That's in a group of children, so different to your DD OP, but another side of the same thing. They don't know how to occupy themselves and look for someone else to resolve it. I don't think its an issue than can be blamed on parenting, I think it's just the child but I think it can become a pattern by the parent going along with it. Essentially the child is being conditioned to constantly attention seek from adults (to the point of harassing). You'll have to show some tough love here OP and it won't be easy but it's the right thing to do.

The point is there were no distractions; no internet, no screens, nothing other than board games, colouring, reading and imaginary play and we just had to get on with it, and we survived! I’m sure there are lots of kids that can manage this nowadays and that’s great and how it should be but there are far too many like the OPs dc who just cannot cope without being entertained 24/7 and I really don’t think OP has done herself, or, her dc any favours by pandering to it.

We haven’t pandered to it!

I was about to ask this. I only ask because I have one DD who is 7. It took me years to figure out why she didn’t amuse herself - because I always said yes to her when she asked to play!! That’s what I love about having an only child, we can play and my time isn’t split but too much of that I have realised is actually detrimental and tbh she wouldn’t even play that much if she had a sibling as they would likely tell her to go away! I realised this at about 6 and really changed my ways, I am
now much better at just saying ‘no I don’t want to play right now but I will play with you in a bit’ or ‘that’s me done playing for now you can keep playing or come and help
me’ etc so she is much better now. We bought her a gymnastics set and it now amuses her for hours!! Also discovered the Yoto which is great for some downtime.

’Im tired of constantly having to find her something to do, we play with her lots, take her out lots, she plays with friends.

OP get rid of the screens and online games completely for a while (gentle tv obvs fine). The games are so stimulating for them that other things like lego and playing seem dull to
them. Talking from experience, my 8 year old started saying ‘i don’t know what to do’ alot and as soon as I threw the laptop in a drawer it stopped and he was back to his wonderful imaginative self. We don’t have ipads or tablets and most of the time they’ll happily invent games or go in the garden.

Wondered how long it would take for the only child bashing to start up!! You really don’t have to feel sorry for only child families, I don’t speak for everyone but we are living our absolute dream life with one DD who is outgoing, happy, thriving and confident, not spoilt, selfish or lonely as I’m sure you believe all only children are.

You make a lot of assumptions and silly accusations. We have an adult only child. Maybe don't be outraged with speculation. There was no bashing and no judgement. Wind your neck in.

Never made any assumptions at all, I just think it is incredibly patronising (and it does come across quite judgemental) to the OP saying you feel sorry for only children and their parents. Also an odd thing to say with you having an only child.

Entitled to my opinions whether or not they align with yours. I can't help how you took what I wrote. Maybe you have had to defend yourself re: have 1 child but that is not something I did to you so just don't be so reactive. It makes it seem like you have a guilt complex. If you do, fine, but maybe consider that before snapping at strangers who weren't even talking to or about you.