AIBU to feel deeply hurt my daughter hid her marriage for 18 months

[MrsLangton]

My daughter, whom I believed to be very close to me, has just told me she got married 18 months ago!
I am so hurt and confused not so much that she got married without me being there (although that hurts) but more that she didn't tell me straight away.

How well do you know her husband?

I’d be hurt. Has she said why ?

I think we need more context. Why didn’t she tell you? Was she embarrassed because it was an impulsive mistake? Did she think you would disapprove? Did she just forget to mention it?

Yes, I'd be hurt, but I'm assuming there is a backstory the size of the Arctic tundra.

Some people just want to elope or nip to the registry office and not make it a big deal. She must have her reasons.

Have you asked her?

Id be worried rather than hurt. Is she ok? Was she forced? Or am I the problem?

Was it just paperwork to her? No more exciting than signing a new broadband contract?

I feel there is some context missing and there will be a complex backstory behind this.

Well either -
She didn’t want you at/ involved in the wedding. You would need to question why
or
she was coerced/ pressured into marriage and then didn’t know how to tell you

We did this.

We watched as my mil became very overbearing at my sil’s wedding a few years earlier. Insisting on certain guests and buying certain things.

We sought want any fuss, which would have been thrown upon us, so we did it secretly and told them a few months later.

So why didn't she tell you straight away? That's a fairly crucial part of the story.

I can understand why you feel this way.
I'd be hurt too.

There must be a reason, did you ask her why she didn't tell you?
I'm assuming you are in different countries or otherwise I don't understand how you couldn't have known/noticed a wedding ring (unless she was also removing it every time you saw her?).

Basically we need more information.

Not all married people wear a wedding ring.

Agree context is everything.

My husband and I eloped. I really didn’t want any of my family there apart from my kids. Especially my mother. But if you asked my mother about it she would swear blind that we are super close and it must be due to someone or something else.

Fair point. I don't even 😂

Why do you think she did that ?

The reasons would determine how I'd feel about it. If she had a big wedding and just didn't want me there, I'd be upset. If she had some crazy last minute wedding Vegas style and then was nervous to tell me, I wouldn't.

Exactly this, especially the last bit.

Rather than hurt you need to reflect on your relationship with your DD, and the impact it had on her for her to do this.

My mother constantly says how “close we are”. We are not close, she is an opinionated bully.

I am not saying that’s the case with you, but take a step back and try and figure out the why and listen to her. You have instantly gone to you’re hurt because you weren’t there- if they wanted to elope or just do it for the legal side would you have made it difficult or guilted them? Your reaction now probably proves that they were right in not telling you

How did it come about that she finally told you?

I wouldn't like it if my son did this - not that he got married without my being there, but finding it difficult to tell me that he had. I'd be doing a lot of self-reflecting, unless there was an obvious reason such as overtly despising his intended...

Some people are just weird though. My crazy ass cousin got pregnant, had a late term miscarriage (8 months) and funeral for the baby all without telling her mum. My auntie found out about it from her son. Crazy ass cousin’s brother.

It depends. How much did it matter to your daughter?
I probably haven't told all my family members about my civil partnership because to me it was just paperwork, had no more emotional significance to me than buying my house insurance.

I’d be hurt too
is she local to you ?
have you seen her in the last 18 months ??