AIBU to feel deeply hurt my daughter hid her marriage for 18 months

[MrsLangton]

My daughter, whom I believed to be very close to me, has just told me she got married 18 months ago!
I am so hurt and confused not so much that she got married without me being there (although that hurts) but more that she didn't tell me straight away.

My DD blurted out she was going to run away and get married, but they've delayed it fir 6 months now. (She has been groomed changed religion etc. I am worried sick and hope she wakes up to it all. )

It's horribly deceitful. Big hugs x

YANBU.

And I have to say, while I understand it, it boils my piss all the recommendations to tiptoe round her feelings, essentially ignoring your own, in case she decides to limit contact. She's already not told her own mother she got married, and while I'm sure it was probably mostly a legal thing, this is her mum.

I hope I'm still able to tell my children when they upset me when they're adults, and they can still tell me the same.

Most of the posters here have asked the same "right questions" so your conviction about us all "not caring" is proven codswallop.

Well, have you asked her why she didn’t tell you? Have you explained how that makes you feel? Or have you sulked and then vented on the internet?

Because we can’t help you understand your daughter’s actions. You’ll need to talk to her for that.

I genuinely don't recall that phrase being overused on Mumsnet.

Unlike the annoyingly hackneyed "First post nails it" or "he's shown you who he is - believe him" etc.

I would really have noticed if it was a motto.

So the conversation went something like:

DD: "by the way Mum, we got married 18 months ago"

OP: "Oh"

Surely you'd have responded more like:

"What?! Why didn't you tell me? I'm a bit shocked to be honest!"

At least something that would have elicited a clue as to her reasons?

There must be a reason why she couldn’t/wouldn’t tell you straight away? I
hope you get to the bottom of why this happened and can sort things out with her

Yes this is the first time I have ever posted on here
I don't think I'll do it again
All I wanted to know was whether other people would feel the same way..literally AIBU
A few were quite unpleasant which was unhelpful and rather upsetting, some wanted to know more..as if I hadn't asked her or wondered to my very depths if it was something I had done
People's relationships are all different and I haven't got the wherewithal to discuss
I asked AIBU because my daughter was so surprised at how upset I was (and she was upset that she had upset me)
Many people were very empathetic and I thank them and I wish all those who are facing difficulties good luck and that they read and take heart in the very good advice also given here

Yes I’d feel very hurt too, surely she can see why her own mother is hurt she didn’t attend her own dd’s wedding?

If this were how it played out I would think the fact you’re capable of doing that would indicate a possible reason why you hadn’t been told about a major life event…….thats extremely cold and transactional thinking.

There’s no evidence the OP’s parenting is on this level.

I'd be very hurt too.
It is such a significant time and I would want to be valued enough that my child would be pleased of my love and support.
I would hope that family celebration were one contributing factor in securing a long and happy marriage.
I would want to welcome the SIL properly into the family.

I would wonder whether there were a selfish reason why they did not think to include close family (who will be the ones to love and support them in all the child rearing and tough times) in their public display of committment.

That is what marriage means to me - a public committment by the couple to each other, and by all who witness it to respect and uphold the union.

Op, did the partner pressure DD to exclude family?
Is it a forecast of how SIL will dismiss other important relationships in DD's life?

It is a worrying signal to me. I would be watching for signs of forced exclusions.

Yeah, this bit is weird. Why didn’t they just announce the marriage?

Well, I’m not the OP, but two obvious possible reasons, surely — either they didn’t want some kind of major drama about ‘Why did you invite me??? Waah!’ or, because it wasn’t a big deal to them, it wasn’t something they were going to announce. It was the latter for us. I mean, I’d almost forgotten about it within weeks. It was a ten minute legal ceremony that didn’t change anything about our day to day lives. People only got to know about five years on because I’d forgotten we hadn’t told people. I get that this will seem improbable to people who subscribe to the Your Wedding Day is the Most Important Day of Your Life thing, but that’s not me.

@MrsLangton

Are they going to hold an event for friends and family in the UK, OP?

I wish I knew what else to add; I can't understand why you were not told about the marriage abroad.

Can you think of a logical explanation?

There's a lot of sympathy for you, most parents would be disappointed in the circumstances.

Ignore the nasty comments. I would be upset in your position too.

People can be a bit nasty online, in a way they wouldn't be in person

I can understand the upset. I don’t think it’s been handled great by your daughter, but I reckon you’ve got to move on and put it behind you

A bit of compassion wouldn’t go amiss here!

Maybe your attitude to your cousin had something to do with how she handled the whole situation.

Loosing a child at 8 months is not a late
miscarriage.

I’m sorry you feel the thread hasn’t been helpful, OP.

I thought there were a lot of people agreeing they’d be hurt or offering reasons why she might have done this that might help you understand it.

I think like a lot of people, marriage might not mean the same thing to her as it obviously does to you - have you always made it clear you feel this way about marriage? As you say she was surprised and sorry that you were upset.

If she sees it like a rubber stamp that doesn’t change anything about her relationship, that would explain it.

83% of people have agreed with you / said they too would be deeply hurt.

The reason people ask for more information is because every day people start threads on here, asking if they are being unreasonable or not by giving one line of information, without the context.
Yet, in most situations, the context is very pertinent to the situation. The person starting the thread is just trying to get everyone to agree with them.
It happens over and over again, so many posters have become more cautious in just agreeing with the OP.

I’d be hurt, as my DD and I are close. Depends why she did this. 🤷‍♀️

You feel hurt?
Children don't withhold info like this without a significant reason.
I'd find it.

I think it’s a mix: while it’s not exactly against my will, the only reason I call every day is because she’s severely mentally ill and lives alone, so we try to talk as often as we reasonably can. She’s well looked after and has visits multiple times a week, but no one at home.

I don’t think I care whether or not she agrees, but I’ve seen her not warm up to my brother’s partner for 20+ years, so frankly I just don’t want to deal with her. I will be telling her… eventually.

I would be extremely hurt too. Of course you are feeling hurt. You are entitled to feel that way.