AIBU to feel deeply hurt my daughter hid her marriage for 18 months

[MrsLangton]

My daughter, whom I believed to be very close to me, has just told me she got married 18 months ago!
I am so hurt and confused not so much that she got married without me being there (although that hurts) but more that she didn't tell me straight away.

You are not unreasonable for feeling hurt that your daughter got married without telling you and you have what you feel to be a close relationship. You would be unreasonable if you were unable to acknowledge that hurt to you both and then move on from it, knowing that your daughter did not act out of spite, she did not intend to hurt you, you were not excluded from something that everyone else was included in... acknowledge your hurt, grieve your fantasized moment of your daughter excitedly announcing she's got engaged and you thinking about MOB outfits... sounds like she got a legal marriage contract signed for practical reaons. It's no reflection on you. Focus on your relationship with your daughter in the here and now and cherish it. Be honest with her about your feelings but also be open to her forging her own path, even if that means going about things in a way that you wouldn't have chosen. It's undoubtedly difficult for you to process in the short term but in the medium term you need to find a way to embrace and enjoy your daughter and her making her way in the world.

I agree the comment you replied to was so weird

Plenty of people will point to you being the problem. Since she is quite happy to visit and stay in your home regularly I wouldn't be so sure.

However as this thread has shown people can often have very different views on the relationship you have between each other.

Personally if my daughter did this I would love from a distance and respect the relationship she clearly feels we have. That would also include no longer staying in my home when visiting. I would respect the emotional space she clearly needed and match it with reduced access to my physical space.

Maybe they agreed to keep it secret from everyone so that they could surprise at a party or so as not to detract from a celebration ceremony they plan to do later? I wouldn’t keep that from my mum though

Cut off your nose to spite your face.

You’d punish her for not inviting her to your wedding by not letting her ever stay in your house?

It’s really astonishing that some Mners have any relationships, whether family or friends.

There’s no reason to think anyone is the problem. If the adult child getting married thought his or her wedding was a consummately important life moment and still didn’t invite their parents, that might indicate a problem in the relationship, yes. But if you regard it as some bureaucracy, then it’s hardly surprising they don’t invite parents, especially if there’s every indication the parent will insist on an importance it doesn’t have for the couple,

I’m fond of my parents. I still didn’t invite them.

Nope Im a parent of adult kids and have parents still alive as an adult.

I dontly believe in playing games in either relationship. My home is my safe space. Allowing people to stay in it has an aspect of vulnerability. Personally if either my parent or my adult child opted to get married. Lie to my face by faking an engagement with an unrelated person and brought that into my home while benefiting from access to that any my hospitality I would match that energy.

I will respect the relationship they clearly feel we have. At a distance.

Gosh, what an oddball.

She didn't just not invite them.

She lied about an engagement there after. Personally I cant stand liars. Every adult should be more than capable of standing over adult decisions they want to make.

If I opted to do what the OP daughter did I would be doing so emotionally aware enough that may fundamentally change my relationship with my parents.

They are as entitled to make decisions about the relationship they want with me as an adult as I am them.

And where have you got this idea about a ‘fake engagement’?

Read the OP second post.

I’ve read it. I don’t see what the issue is. Presumably they had been engaged already, before they got married.

You've made up so much stuff in that scenario.

It is very common for people in countries that are not the UK to get a legal marriage certificate sorted at the town hall - that being the only place you are allowed to get married, churches, beaches, restaurants etc. not being permitted - but not consider that legal paper signing the "real" marriage. It is a piece of paper that has legal but not sentimental significance.

Im not the one who got married in secret. Then announced to my parent 3 mths later an engagement for everyone to find out 15 mths later that actually we are married.

That is pretty odd ball behaviour.

Of someone who needs access to a good therapist.

The mumsnet motto

The question is why? Do you feel she would criticize you or disagree? Do you enjoy talking to her everyday or are you pressured to call her against your will?

You look good, nice shape and in proportion.

You’re hurt, I would also be in your position. Trying to make sense of it even knowing the reason behind the marriage. And the realization the closeness you assumed was mutual, may be less than you had always thought. That alone will bring a certain sadness and something to think about, thoughts you’d much rather not be having.

I hope steps can be made by your daughter to understand.

It was a visa wedding. They clearly don't consider themselves properly married. I know of a couple who did this. They got married for a visa. They told no-one, not even family. They eventually had the big wedding and invited friends and family. To them, that was the real wedding. It sounds like the same situation for your daughter.

I had a big wedding overseas that wasn't officially recognized. A couple of weeks later we had the official wedding ceremony with only 2 witnesses.
We 100% consider the wedding where we had our family and friends celebrate with us to be our real wedding.

I don't think you should be too hurt by this.

I agree. Why would you do this to people you love?

I’m guessing they did the legal paperwork marriage required in somewhere like UAE for spousal working visa. Totally underwhelming experience and nothing like the emotional ‘wedding’ you're thinking about. Why did she tell you today? Are they planning a UK celebration?

Children don't do things like this without much thought. She must have had very good reason.

I’m not surprised you’re upset.
Do you know what the reason behind it is?

Yes "chidren" do do things like this quite often when they are living in a foreign country and they need marriage paperwork but are not yet ready for a wedding.

YANBU to be hurt by it.

But haven't you asked her why, now she has told you ?