AIBU to feel deeply hurt my daughter hid her marriage for 18 months

[MrsLangton]

My daughter, whom I believed to be very close to me, has just told me she got married 18 months ago!
I am so hurt and confused not so much that she got married without me being there (although that hurts) but more that she didn't tell me straight away.

I eloped and we went away on a short honeymoon. We told people on the Monday after.

Leaving it for 18 mos is weird unless there is some type of abusive relationship. It doesn't matter if being married is unimportant to you, it is a big life change for most people.

All those saying, why are you hurt, you should be reflecting - it is a normal human response to feel hurt first. Women on MN are so often made to feel their own emotions are wrong and should be stifled. It is okay to feel hurt.

Also, just to add, if they do have a wedding with guests and expense and it’s going to be in their home country, they are probably worried people won’t come if they think it’s just a party given the couple are already married. They will need it to be an actual wedding for people to travel to them. (They’d still be lying, mind, which kind of makes it even worse - it’s more than a little duplicitous!)

How close are you?

I live on a different continent from my family. DP and I are technically engaged and plan to get married this summer (in a registry office with 2 witnesses - no big wedding). I plan to tell my family AFTER we’re married.

My reasons:

1. We’re not that close.
2. They have a habit of taking a mile when given an inch, so have been on a strict information diet the past few years.
3. They’re nosy/interfering/generally judgmental and I don’t want them ruining a good thing. I’m very happy and I can’t have them dampening that in any way.

Any of these things ring a bell for your situation, OP?

Has she ever told you why she didn't tell you?

It’s a bit weird but maybe they wanted an intimate affair and knew if they told family, they’d be offended and upset they weren’t invited? It can all get a bit messy. DH and I had a small wedding and it did cause some upset with relatives we hadn’t seen for many years.

I see why your hurt.

Since they live abroad, it was for practical reasons and they announced they were engaged 3 months later when they came back, it sounds like legal requirements (for visas/residency?) overtook them and they kept it secret so they could have a wedding celebration with everyone there? Is that the plan now - a big wedding to cement the marriage socially even though the legal bit has been covered a while ago?

I can understand why you were so disappointed, OP.

I do find it very strange that she announced her engagement 3 months after the wedding.

Does this mean that you were under the impression that they were planning a wedding in the UK in the next year or two? You must be really shocked if that is the case.

I can understand their wish to marry quietly but to announce an engagement afterwards is odd to put it mildly.

What were the practical reasons? Was it to do with taxation or accommodation?

My family is overly involved (hence me being in a different country) and I just don’t want the stress.

I want to elope too (Vegas) and I know people
will be offended about it. I just don’t want to be thinking about accommodating others on my wedding day.

I may have misunderstood - They came back and told me ...

On a visit or permanently?

It doesn't really matter though. I would be absolutely gutted. It's incomprehensible.

Fair enough! I also eloped and didn’t tell my DM until after as I knew she’d try and change my mind and make a fuss. But I didn’t talk to her on the phone everyday, so I just wondered if you had a different reason!

I have a friend with an adult son and he got married to his GF without her parents knowing. She's from another country (Canada!) and in order for her to stay in the UK they needed to marry very fast. So they did.

They are not planning on telling her parents until next year when they are going through a 'marriage ceremony' in her home town. They believe they have good reasons, and perhaps they do. But it seems secretive and hurtful. If they had just said 'We have to in a hurry, because...' then I am sure the parents would have come over or understood. I'm just not sure I 100% get it.

lol

It sounds like it was done for legal reasons, and they didn’t consider it their wedding day. Maybe they haven’t told you, because they don’t want you (or anyone) to see it as their wedding either, and for it to take away from the excitement.
If they’ve announced they’re getting married after being legally wed, surely they’re planing a celebration in the future.

Please don't take this personally. It's not about you. It's about what your daughter and her partner wanted.

We did this. Just two witnesses and a pub meal. Told everyone later. Our wedding our way.

So, why didn’t she tell you? I assume you’ve asked?

You can not change the past. Only how you act now and in the future.
Smile and be happy for her.

Honestly if it was a small no fuss wedding I would be less hurt than if it was a big event. We wish we had just eloped with a couple of witnesses and done a small meal afterwards, but once parents got involved it got out of control. We should have put our foot (well, feet) down but we were 19/18 and didn’t want to rock the boat.

Be careful how you respond, but I do understand why you’re upset.

Did she just perhaps see it as paperwork to stay in country. The fact they got ‘engaged’ after could they be planning a bigger wedding blessing as their actual celebration.

Any parent should be shocked (usual proviso that parent has been loving and supportive, obviously if a parent has been racist/homophobic etc and the daughter was worried her partner would be treated badly, then it's different). I would never have done this to my parents. I am so sorry.

You sound understanding. Some parents don’t care what their kids want because what they want “for” their kids is more important. They don’t try to understand. This isn’t a dig at the Op. It could be that her DD felt like she needed to get married and felt guilty about telling her DM she couldn’t be there and so didn’t say anything. A lot of what people do isn’t very well thought out.

What a rational response, asking the right questions. Still i imagine that people will not care there is a context and will be asking if the husband is controlling

That's not a late term miscarriage, it's a stillbirth.
She surely had her reasons, not just being 'crazy' and was clearly going through an awful time :(
It's sad she didn't feel she could reach our to her mum for support.
I had a miscarriage at 12wks on my wedding day and didn't tell my parents until afew months after (and the specific timing for afew years after) as I didn't think they would understand.I was right, they didn't.

I would not call a loss at 9 months s miscarriage and having experienced a loss at 37 weeks I would not criticise anyone for the way they cope

Did she move to Middle East by any chance for a job? It's illegal to cohabit without being married in some countries so it may have been a practical and time sensitive decision and they were still hoping to have a 'wedding' with their friends and family later.