to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

[ReluctantGM]

I feel like there’s a real pressure placed on grandmothers that just isn’t there for grandfathers.

I work and I want to keep working. Partly because I need the income, but also because it gives me structure and some space. But because I’m the grandmother, there’s a clear pressure on me to step in and provide regular childcare so my daughter and daughter-in-law can return to work. I’m often told I could be spending more time with the grandchildren and building a bond with them.

I do understand that childcare is expensive and that life is more expensive these days. I’m not dismissing that at all. But I’ve said more than once that I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy or capacity for it, and I don’t want to take on that level of responsibility.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

I was exhausted by parenting the first time round. My DS had mental health problems and needed a lot of care and support well into his early twenties. I gave everything to that stage of my life. Yes I love my grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for them day to day.

I also find it really hard to tolerate crying babies and young children now and I don’t want to keep getting ill from all the bugs they inevitably bring home.

Yesterday I was out shopping and saw a toddler having a full tantrum and felt relieved that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I walked away to get away from the noise.

What I find particularly frustrating is that there is absolutely no expectation on my husband. No one is asking him to change his work or take this on. It’s just assumed I should be the one to step in.

I’ve spoken to other friends and they feel the same pressure. Their husbands get no pressure and there are no expectations of them to adjust their work hours or give up work to look after children.

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

I think it is a certain type of person that expects their parents to look their kids. Often the same people who expect the state to give them a house and top up their income.

Nta. You're still working so they shouldn't even be asking you! I've got 9 grandkids and have looked after them all if parents had to work....but only if I had a day off and had nothing to do that day. Otherwise they had to find someone else. Now I'm retired it's no problem at all but if I'm off somewhere that day grandad can do it or they find someone they have to pay....we only look after the 3 youngest now but 2 max at one time...put your foot down and say NO....

You're right, I guess I was just reacting to the tone of the discussion in general. The "I've done my time taking care of kids, I don't want to help" is something I see on here a lot and it surprises me. But I guess people have different ideas about the role of family.

Seen the guilt trips here on MN by so many members over expectation of care by grandma. If grandma wants to then that's her choice, but the rubbish of the child having no relationship because of lack of childcare is a threat, so is the level of care, or lack of care threatened when grannie gets old and needs help. This attitude reeks.

It's pretty awful to be honest. Quite often grandparents are looking forward to some time out when their own children have flown the nest, to do the things they have been unable to do. Then there is the fact as you get older, energy levels are lower, can be going through menopause and other things that can make someone feel poorly and looking after toddlers or babies is just too much for them. There is such thing now as grannie burn out, brought on by daily care of grandchildren!

Haven’t you heard of the Grandmother Hypothesis? That apparently the only reason women continue to live after our fertility has dried up to provide childcare. It’s long been a mystery to men why we continue to take up space on the planet when we’re no longer sexually desirable to them.

Funny how there doesn’t seem to be a scientific hypothesis to explain the point of men continuing to exist with the sub optimum degrading sperm.

my dm wanted me to work, she offered to have my dc so that I could work.

I’m equally surprised at the regular assumption that grandmothers should be prepared to do whatever childcare their children need, and if they aren’t prepared to, it’s letting down the expectations of “but family”. Some grandparents seem to love spending their retirement doing loads of childcare. Good for them ! An awful lot are doing it because they are expected to though.

I don't feel pressured when asked to babysit grandchildren.

I just look at my diary and answer honestly.

Both of us usually look after children together as we need two of us to safely manage, particularly if we are going out.

Young parents are under much more financial and time stress than thiry yars ago.

My late parents looked after two children when far too old to do so. They were exhausted. They felt unable to ever plan doing anything during the times when they had the childcare commitment.
It was, for them, despite loving their grandchildren ( not mine) hard. These were people who had worked, raised their own children without help from elsewhere, and here they were. Still raising children part time. And, because of it not really retired at all .

Your adult children sound wildly entitled. I think it’s lovely when some grandparents step in to offer to help but I would never dream of asking a working parent to quit so they could care for my child. That is wild.

And the fact they aren’t asking your husband is infuriating.

It seems ridiculous to me that we should expect to spend 40 years working and then 30+ years in retirement, not working, yet being paid by the state for doing nothing. A lot of woman over 60 have only worked PT or been SAHMs. They conveniently forget that their own daughters work full-time, commute and pay huge amounts for wrap-around childcare and will likely not get the opportunity to play bingo or go on saga holidays, walk the dog, read books, sit on their arse, or whatever unemployed people in their 60s and 70s do.

You should help out your children physically and financially if you are able to do so.

Having said that, OP is a worker and should not be making herself unemployed to provide childcare. Maybe some financial help will be appreciated if you can afford it.

It appears all women are there for is to care for others

My DCs are all adults. I’m not even old, but I am not in good health. I had my eldest when I was just 16, and my youngest has just reached adulthood. (with another in between). I have spent 36 out of my 52 years on this earth raising children while working mostly full-time, many of those years as a single parent. I am fucking exhausted. Absolutely bone tired, every single day. There is no way I could run round after a toddler for a day, ever! Do you think that means my children (or future GCs) shouldn’t bother with me? Or that I don’t love and care about them beyond measure?

If I had the energy levels I had in my 30s I’d be happy to offer care. But younger adults, who find parenting exhausting themselves, expect their parents to do it with half as much energy as they have.

I think it’s ok to be outright honest and say this (Or a version of it that works for you): I found parenting very hard and though I adore you as people, the parenting of young children was the toughest part of my life. I wasn’t good at it and I didn’t enjoy it. I will not be a good enough caregiver for your child and it would be bad for my mental health and I also worry about the damage it would do to our relationship as adults now. So for that reason I won’t do it, although really I do want to spend time with my grandchildren it needs to be without that pressure and anxiety of being a primary caregiver again.

I also don’t think I’d be able to be a regular caregiver to GCs, although it’s decades away for me, if it happens at all. I am an older mother, and expect to be working up to 80 to make up my lost income and pension.

This! Xx

I’ve said YANBU but largely because I think you’re right regarding the pressure to provide childcare being on women. I also think that anyone has the right to say no and there shouldn’t be continued pressure once someone has made their feelings clear. However, I do believe that when it comes to family relationships you get out what you put in. I was very close to my grandparents (who provided varying levels of care for me and my siblings) throughout childhood, adolescence and adulthood. That relationship was always a priority for me no matter what else was going on or how otherwise selfish I was being (as is typical for teens and young adults!). My own mum has looked after grandchildren and rearranged her own working pattern to do so. She’s always said she found it hard but wouldn’t have made any other choice because the rewards are far greater than any sacrifice. Being close to grandchildren is a gift many don’t get - seen on threads here and elsewhere - so even if you don’t change your mind it might be worth changing your perspective and trying to see the requests as a clear indication that your family value you and want you to be involved.

However, the ‘it’s my time now’ strictly no babysitting or overnights or anything other than extreme emergency situations grandparents are within their rights but do have to accept they won’t have a particularly close relationship with their grandkids.

There we go with the pressure.

Or I will get put in a crappy care home because I didn't give up work to provide childcare for GC.

Tbh this is true much younger the moment you have a child - but of course is expected of all women over 50 whether childfree or not

"don't expect any help from me" attitude really sad within the context of a family.

This is what is trotted out to grandmothers.

So because I refuse to give up work or go part time, I have a 'don't expect any help from me attitude'?

Within the context of family life, women should keep caring and caring?

My mum was clear that she didn't enjoy parenting and would not do any care at all as a grandma and indeed has not, even in emergencies or for the odd night. I do resent her for that (one particular occasion when I was desperate) and particularly so now that she has care needs, and I would say that my kids do not have a close relationship with her, but then neither do I.

I have three DC. I would want to make sure that I could offer all my DC an equivalent amount of support, and I may end up with 9 grandkids (or none). There is no way I could provide continuous care for 9 pre-schoolers even if I wanted to (and I had my kids over 35 as I expect my kids will too). I will be happy to offer emergency care, occasional overnight stays, and "we can't find anyone else" cover if I am able to (as I would expect H to, as well). I will be clear about that with my kids; and part of that is about wanting to provide parity for any future grandkids. (I know people where the first grandchild got a lot of support from grandparents but not subsequent ones).

OP, your DC ABU. If any of my kids suggested that I should go part time to care for their children I would ask them to repeat themselves and spell out very clearly what they were asking. It is so clear that your time is not valued which especially given you are economically active (as the government loves to describe it) is astonishing to me. And yes, it is gendered. I would be suggested to my kids that both partners should be going part time. I would also suggest that if there were need and I were able we (as the grandparents) would provide financial support if they were really that hard up but would also expect to see sacrifices from them too (e.g. would not expect to see lots of expensive socialising). I would want to make the economic value of "women's work" more visible.

YANBU. I'm happy to babysit for nights out or days/weekends away but I can neither afford to give up working or have the energy (physical and emotional) to look after young children on a regular basis. Thankfully, it's not expected of me. I think maybe you need to sit your kids down and explain that you can't provide the level of childcare they need. Frame it as financial that way unless they're offering to pay you for childcare they can't argue.

How did we get to the point where it’s said that you can’t have a relationship with your grandchildren if you don’t provide child care? Can there not be a relationship that isn’t transactional, just families spending time together, enjoying each other’s company. Why should it be ‘either/or’.

Theres always ‘don’t expect any help then, when you’re old’. Another transaction, like buying in a store. It seems sad that everything is done in the expectation of getting something in return. ‘Look after your grandchildren and we’ll stay in touch with you. Don’t and we won’t see you.’

I agree with your first paragraph, and there are plenty that applied to, but that doesn’t seem to pertain to the OP who is still working and basically being pushed not to.

Maybe remind them that the less you work now the more financial pressure your DC will be under later when your care needs come around…?!

I heard about this the other day in a podcast and think it is crap. It is that women are basically there just to look after children all their lives.

Agree.

I wouldn’t expect my parents to do it and definitely would never try to force them to have their grandchildren.

That said, they themselves jump at the chance and look forward to having our children and wished we lived closer to them (we live 4,000 miles away in a different country, my sister a 10 hours drive from them). They had already planned to do some kind of looking after before grandchildren came into the picture or even came to mind for me or my sister.

My father is retired and flies down to my sister’s once a month for about a week and has his granddaughter while my sister is at work. It actually brought him and my sister closer because they butted heads a lot when she was a teen and she realised how much he was actually there compared to our mother. He and other men in our family are much more hands on than what is talked about on many threads here and are active in their grandchildren’s lives. My own maternal grandfather looked after me when I was a small child when my parents were at work.

My in-laws are very involved with their grandchildren’s lives to a point it has caused some issues between father and daughter but it’s the price paid for the level of involvement both parties chose to have:

YANBU about YOUR adult children expectations of you in that respect but it is not the case for everyone.