to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

[ReluctantGM]

I feel like there’s a real pressure placed on grandmothers that just isn’t there for grandfathers.

I work and I want to keep working. Partly because I need the income, but also because it gives me structure and some space. But because I’m the grandmother, there’s a clear pressure on me to step in and provide regular childcare so my daughter and daughter-in-law can return to work. I’m often told I could be spending more time with the grandchildren and building a bond with them.

I do understand that childcare is expensive and that life is more expensive these days. I’m not dismissing that at all. But I’ve said more than once that I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy or capacity for it, and I don’t want to take on that level of responsibility.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

I was exhausted by parenting the first time round. My DS had mental health problems and needed a lot of care and support well into his early twenties. I gave everything to that stage of my life. Yes I love my grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for them day to day.

I also find it really hard to tolerate crying babies and young children now and I don’t want to keep getting ill from all the bugs they inevitably bring home.

Yesterday I was out shopping and saw a toddler having a full tantrum and felt relieved that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I walked away to get away from the noise.

What I find particularly frustrating is that there is absolutely no expectation on my husband. No one is asking him to change his work or take this on. It’s just assumed I should be the one to step in.

I’ve spoken to other friends and they feel the same pressure. Their husbands get no pressure and there are no expectations of them to adjust their work hours or give up work to look after children.

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

My dad, aka my kids grandfather, provides childcare for me 2 days per week before and after school. He lives with me half the week to facilitate this because hes an hour away. My mother (who is married to my father and lives with him) doesnt come because she doesnt want to.

He begged to do it having not been around due to work when me and my brother were kids and tells everyone who listens these are the best days of his life.

I think in 15 years my kids have been overnight to grandparents or with them for maybe 15 days if tha?

I hear you! My parent said if you have kids you take care of them.

Bonds are built by childcare? I haven't heard this concern regarding grandfathers who do not provide childcare.

I think it’s up to you what you do but don’t expect to see or have a relationship with your grandchildren if you refuse to help at all

I think that’s an appalling attitude! Why does a relationship with grandparents need to be linked to childcare?
We both work f/t but make sure we see GP every few weeks - either us go to them or vice versa. One in same city as us and one just over an hour away.

YANBU, by any means.
I am child free, but my husband never ever took grandchildren in.
His own choice, and a right one.
Yes, he's got means to get paid help, if needed.

A woman possibly past menopause being a main character in her own life??? Surely, you jest! Maybe you’re having a fit of the vapours; I’ll get the smelling salts. 👍

I agree with you. I was lucky that my mum was happy to help but only one day a week as that was enough for her, any more and she said it would have felt like a chore. She was already retired. She was great at stepping in last minutes to help look after my children when I needed emergency care an in some ways that was more valuable.

don’t be forced into permanent childcare but I’m sure they are many ways you can be helpful.

You resent the pressure put on you. Not all grandparents have this pressure put upon them. I haven’t.

It is called emotional blackmail. And very ugly it is too.

It really isn't. At my daughter's dance plenty of dads bring their kids and are not separated. I take my dd to dance when I can but my dh takes her regularly on one of the weekdays and if I am working on a Saturday. She simply wouldn't be able to go otherwise. My dh and I share the load with everything as do many modern families. Modern life is way too hectic to hold this 'woman's work' view. If I was in one of these relationships where I was raising an additional child rather coparenting with a dad then I would leave him hands down.

" Boomers as a generation and individually are personally responsible for their children's generation's economic position and owe them big time" is what happened.

Do explain how that works.

In your own time.

The issues have parents that don’t want to do childcare had no issue leaving their children with their parents for extended times. Back when there was only a few tv channels and it was boring as fuck. Now how much actual childcare would you need to do.

I think it's a really complicated issue. I have one grandchild. I had my kids young and my daughter had her child young. In other words, when we offered (wasn't asked) to do childcare, we were in our early 40s. We were able to support because we still had bags of energy and were 20 years away from retirement. I was happy to switch to part-time (actually, I went to uni so we coordinate schedules and I'd always wanted to go anyway).

What I see a lot of here now is people being frustrated with grandparents who are in their 60s and who don't want to over commit in their retirement years. My youngest daughter may well have a child when I'm in my 60s. That's her choice. Will I do the same for her, probably, but it will (once again) only be one child, not a bevvy of them.

Also, I am not a boomer, instead I'm Generation X, and my grandchild is nearly 16.

It all seemed fine and dandy women having children later and later in life, however, this is where it's got us.

Would be unsurprised but disappointed in the DS and son in law for suggesting that their wives’ return to work is contingent upon their mum / mother in law reducing her personal and household income and providing free childcare.

Rather than being good fathers and partners and working out a suitable plan for their households, perhaps involving changes in their personal working lives and finances.

I think there’s a balance- nobody should be expected to take on regular and frequent childcare on a set basis whilst parents are working. However, the ‘it’s my time now’ strictly no babysitting or overnights or anything other than extreme emergency situations grandparents are within their rights but do have to accept they won’t have a particularly close relationship with their grandkids.

I imagine your kids feel like you and your husband are a package deal, maybe you’re more approachable.

My parents (both) offered to look after my son one day a week, it didn’t all fall on my mum.

Maybe be pleased your children are assertive enough to ask?

If your MIL needs help around the home and taking to appointments it sounds clear that she’s not up to looking after children or offering help herself. So you shun her because she has no value to you.

Of course you shouldn't have to give up your job or your free time if you don't want to but I find this "don't expect any help from me" attitude really sad within the context of a family. Will you expect your DC to help you in your old age?

I put no pressure on my mum to look after my child when she was little. Both my parents were still working in their late 60s and early 70s but they worked from home. My mum actually asked me if they could have my child a couple of days a week until she started school.

I wouldn’t provide childcare if you don’t want. I’d just say I need to work (be it financially or mentally) and I can’t be available for regular childcare. Could you offer date nights / adhoc care as a compromise or do you not want to do any?

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

Because they are entitled/rude & think that childcare is "women's work"?

OP hasn’t said “don’t expect any help from me” (eg she and her DH might do ad hoc evening babysitting, a couple of days at the seaside when kids are older or whatever).

The thing she is being asked for - and that she has posted about - is regular weekday childcare, which would only be doable by her cutting her days at work.

It was predictable that he his thread would attract a lot of projection and protestations that not all sons/daughters, SILs and DILs are like that. I think OP already clearly knows this, and refreshingly her post puts equal onus on the fathers as well as mothers in terms of childcare expectations.

I find it amusing that it’s a male poster telling you you are ‘overthinking’ this; as though this is coming from any position of awareness at all. No, you are not. There is a definite expectation that women are society’s default carers.

When our mother fell terminally ill, and my DB and I assumed equal responsibility for caring for her, have a guess which sibling the authorities consistently called?

This prejudice is real, OP. I wouldn’t be inclined to give much credence to men telling you otherwise.