to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

[ReluctantGM]

I feel like there’s a real pressure placed on grandmothers that just isn’t there for grandfathers.

I work and I want to keep working. Partly because I need the income, but also because it gives me structure and some space. But because I’m the grandmother, there’s a clear pressure on me to step in and provide regular childcare so my daughter and daughter-in-law can return to work. I’m often told I could be spending more time with the grandchildren and building a bond with them.

I do understand that childcare is expensive and that life is more expensive these days. I’m not dismissing that at all. But I’ve said more than once that I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy or capacity for it, and I don’t want to take on that level of responsibility.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

I was exhausted by parenting the first time round. My DS had mental health problems and needed a lot of care and support well into his early twenties. I gave everything to that stage of my life. Yes I love my grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for them day to day.

I also find it really hard to tolerate crying babies and young children now and I don’t want to keep getting ill from all the bugs they inevitably bring home.

Yesterday I was out shopping and saw a toddler having a full tantrum and felt relieved that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I walked away to get away from the noise.

What I find particularly frustrating is that there is absolutely no expectation on my husband. No one is asking him to change his work or take this on. It’s just assumed I should be the one to step in.

I’ve spoken to other friends and they feel the same pressure. Their husbands get no pressure and there are no expectations of them to adjust their work hours or give up work to look after children.

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

You’ve answered your own question OP

Youre bothered by your DD and DIL asking for help, pissed off that your DH hasn’t been asked. Well why aren’t you questioning why your DS and SIL aren’t asking for help?

You know the answer.

It’s your life, do what you want but don’t expect help in a decade or two when you need it. It goes both ways.

What stood out for me here is "keeping grandad occupied to give me a break". You poor woman - have you ever in your adult life not been caring for others?

OP I work a very demanding job as does my DH. My own parents relied heavily on both grandmas to care for us after school etc. They cared a lot for my sister's children as she lived nearer but have done F all to help us with childcare or help us financially. My DH's parents are practically 2nd parents to his sister's kids but again have never done anything to help us with our dd and never even cast eyes on our dd unless we ask them to.

I can count on one hand the amount of times we have received any babysitting from family or friends and my dd is 8. This is fine. In our heart of hearts I knew this would be the case before we decided to have a child. However I can can say with absolute certainty that a) Neither set of grandparents will be getting a thing from me should they require support as they get older and b) I will never deny anyone who's a positive influence on my child's life access to them but we're far too busy and broke doing this by ourselves to go out of our way to facilitate this access. That's your choice. If you want to treat me and my child as a burden then that is exactly how you will be treated back

I don’t really get the blackmail point to be honest, more just the practical reality of limited time and capacity.
Families only have so many days and so much energy to go round, particularly if both parents are working full time- that gives 8 days a month leisure time.If grandparents don’t want to help with childcare, that’s absolutely their choice, same as it’s fine if they just want to do the fun bits. But then those 8 days have to be split between immediate family time, friends, wider family, in-laws etc, that doesn’t even account for just a little down time.
If someone is helping out, even a bit, it naturally means they see the kids more often not just the occasional visit. And couples with that building that trust in normal, home-based situations often leads to parents feeling more comfortable with others taking the childreb for the fun 1 on 1 time- things like trips to the zoo or big days out or sleepovers. Often on MN you’ll see grandparents saying that these are the things they want, but in reality parents aren’t just going to hand over their child for a big day out when they have never done smaller chunks of care.
So it’s not really a threat, just how things tend to play out in real life.

My parents wanted to look after them. They said it was the best time of their lives. My dad often used to come on his own asking if the DCs were playing.
I miss my small girls so much I can't imagine not wanting to spend time with gcs. Hopefully I'll be well enough to help with their care if/when the time arrives.

Excellent point.

both my dc live far enough away that regular care would not be an option. but even if they did live closer, I have already made it clear I won’t be providing regular childcare, if they choose to have children. One isn’t even married yet!

my reasoning is simple. I am not a great care giver to very young children. I had PND and frankly hated baby years. Once they turn 2.5 to 3 I bloody loved being a parent . But I am simply not the best care giver to trust junior to, in those very early years for routine childcare. As much as anything being forced to commit once per week would make me very resentful and bore me silly , and that’s no place to be when looking after a little one. I believe firmly that a nursery provides much more stimulation, routine, and social benefit than your average 60 plus Gp can manage, especially if still part time working.

I have said I will do what I can in emergencies, sickness and in cases like parent needing to go away for work trips. I know this is so difficult to juggle as we had no help from my parents or inlaws at all. Once they’re school age I will also cover some of school hols which again is a logistical nightmare.

right now I do this for my great niece who lives close to me. I am back up to her grandparents who do look after her once per week routinely by choice. Her grandmother is insanely maternal and loves little babies and adores looking after her gd. Typically I look after GN about once every 6-8 weeks, and she just beginning to get to interesting age when I’m enjoying it. Her parents are very appreciate that they have extra back up . But they don’t try to take the piss, or take it for granted. I do this as I see it, despite GN young age, as building good will. I live on my own and do a lot with my nearby family to bank goodwill, and foster close relationships as I never know when I might need a favour in return. That occasional day is bloody hard work , and has confirmed I am simply not cut out to do that as a regular commitment for my own gc.

I know that childcare is expensive. But actually proportionally of salary it is less than I paid when my own kids were in nursery. There is funding now available. I know it was the single most difficult financial stretch period for my family. We ran up debt at times, we struggled. No holidays, run down cars, charity shop buys etc. But we did get through and once kids left uni and start working , that was when I was able to start saving for pension properly and clear debts and mortgage. We all, going into parenthood, should expect those early years to be an enormous struggle financially. And to then also expect that those 50-60s year are vital for building back financial security. To give up work to look after gc at that stage is financial disaster. And will plung more women into pension poverty than we already have. The pension gap for men and women is bad enough without the added care burdens placed on women in their 50-60s. This difficult financial struggle has always been so, since women needed to return to work after maternity, and I was going through that in early 1990s. Nowt has changed.

What I would like to do, once my full pension kicks in, is to provide funding help to my children for nursery costs. I have some plans to be able to use surplus income to do this under IHT tax rules. I doubt it would be enough to cover more that 1 day for 1 child, but a little financial help over such a stretch period won’t go amiss I’m sure. I am, in a “unfortunately fortunate” position to have that surplus income due to be widowed, and not a lot of GPs will be able to do this. I won’t be telling kids this though in advance. And it won’t be outright promised gift. But I think it far more practical and better than me taking on regular childcare myself, yet still help them.

I think setting out expectations right from get go with your kids is vital. Along with other key life decisions like wills, POA, and all the other junk that comes with getting older.

OPs thread us about sexism

I'm curious @ReluctantGM – how do you respond to your family when they ask you to consider going part-time?

She is presenting it as that. Really she just doesn't want to do it. The sexism part is pretty easy to challenge. 'I'm not willing to provide regular childcare but you could ask your dad....'

Well my husband is disabled, not something either of us wanted. 35 years in it's tough, but the GC give me fun. When the 20 something's bring new girlfriends to meet me I enjoy it. When I watch the teenagers and 20 something's playing with the toddlers it gives me fun. When I play on the swings with the in betweeners I love it.

I'm really not to be pitied but nice that you thought of me.

Your issue is favouritism though, not grandparents declining to help out. Both sets of grandparents help siblings, just not you.

I think it works other way too there are grandparents who want to do this and put pressure on the child's parents to be involved in minding kids.
Good for you, no should be no your family know where they stand and should just go employ child care services. It's much more reliable to go for a professional service.
I don't use grandparent for minding however I notice my sister sends her children off to visit granny for a week when school have holidays she keeps saying granny wants this but know well granny would much prefer keeping her usual routine but won't speak up

True it’s easy to sort out but the issue is
why didn’t they do that in the first place

Lots of threads on mumsnet on this subject and it’s always the grandmothers being asked.

Of course you should not be being asked to give up work and provide regular childcare, that’s nuts and very entitled of them.

From their perspective, I imagine they are feeling frustrated at the extortionate cost of childcare but are directing their frustrations in the wrong way (they SHOULD be peeved, but this is the governments doing, not yours!).

My own twopenneth is that my mum stated clearly they would not be doing any childcare whatsoever (I knew this without being told - they were not hands-on parents to me) and I coughed up thousands in childcare costs. It’s not for forever. However I also had to temper my mum’s expectations that we would all go on holidays together (we simply could not afford this) and that we’d have regular splendid long weekends together as a family (we were utterly shattered and would host a day or two here and there but absolutely not to the frequency they wished). that’s not pressure, blackmail, or guilt tripping…it was reality and ME having boundaries about what I could cope with.

I genuinely respect them not wanting to do regular childcare and my kids were happier being with carers who were enthusiastic. Our relationships have survived, the kids are fond of them. But. My parents watched me and DH struggle when they had (ad hoc) moments to help and chose not to. I spent loads of time with my grandparents as a kid - weeks in the holidays etc so they did benefit from help themselves.

Im disappointed with them if Im honest, but i don't dwell and I make the best of the situation I’m in. I plan to behave more supportively with my own kids/DGC.

I was a mere 67 with the first, and pretty fit and active, but I still worried about dropping baby Gdd while coming down the stairs!

if they ask again or suggest you retire, suggest they ask their dad instead…

I find it shocking PP are using blackmail over future elderly care to force grandparents to look after their kids. What about all the years your parents spent raising you before you left home? Does that seriously count for nothing and it's only the amount of babysitting they do now which swings it?

You sound like you don’t like your own grandkids. Many grandparents take joy in helping out, if you don’t want to then don’t. My dad took great joy in his grandchildren and told me what a pleasure it was to be asked. I would hate to made to feel my kids were a hindrance.

" I' am still working and will do so for a while yet as I have less pension contributions compared to your father because I sacrificed my earnings to look after my own children in their younger years and when I retire I will be enjoying the last part of my life without the burden of providing yet more childcare for grandchildren, although I will be hapoy to offer babysitting when it is convienent ir for emergencies. "

Kindof, but my issue is also with parents who outsourced a lot of their own parenting to their aging parents, then refuse to even acknowledge that their children are raising children with no such support all whilst being in a much more financially unstable world and all whilst washing their hands of providing any care for the same aging parents who provided care for their own children and managing to retire at a very comfortable age having paid off their mortages..... I am not the only one in this position I'm sure. I'm an adult so I just get on with things and don't sit there and resent it but I'd be lying to say I don't find it hypocritical

@Comeinsideforacupoftea ,

‘I can count on one hand the amount of times we have received any babysitting from family or friends and my dd is 8. This is fine. In our heart of hearts I knew this would be the case before we decided to have a child. However I can can say with absolute certainty that a) Neither set of grandparents will be getting a thing from me should they require support as they get older and b) I will never deny anyone who's a positive influence on my child's life access to them but we're far too busy and broke doing this by ourselves to go out of our way to facilitate this access. That's your choice. If you want to treat me and my child as a burden then that is exactly how you will be treated back’

Surely the obligation to help an aging parent comes from them bringing you up. Do they need to care for two generations to get help in their old age?!

DH and I have always paid for childcare. The grand-parents babysat on their terms which was fine by us. We are early retired new grandparents now. We have hobbies and spend a few months a year travelling so won’t be able to do childcare.
We will however cover all school holidays for them if they need as to as we do not travel during school holidays.
There should not be expectations on grandparents to cover childcare. However, the price of childcare has always been substantial and even 30 years ago much of my salary was spent on it. But I needed to work for my own sanity, development and pension.

I would love to help, my dil isn’t working, my son , high powered job, unfortunately i have mid Parkinson’s, not able enough, nor is her mum with more serious health issues.
context my grandson is 3, and baby sister due in early July, i went to visit last weekend , deep in the countryside and i can’t drive anymore

Bringing up children to the age of 18 is the bear minimum you do as a parent. To suggest that this then creates obligation for elderly care is bonkers.

in reality you then get out of relationships what you put in, the stuff you choose to do, not are legally required to do.