He cant commit.to being in child's life

[Confusedgal0001]

Me and my dp are in such a rollercoster relationship. When its good, its perfect. When we disagree. We disagree hard and it ends in nasty arguments. He has gotten more nasty and its like "anything goes" and he justifies it by saying I have wound him up. He never used to be like this but says its because I chipped away at him. Saying that, I wasnt the easiest at the start I did gaslight, and cause many arguments and broke up with him to get him to chase me to win me over. That was years ago. I am not that person. Now he says when I accuse him of stuff or nag him he thinks "not this shit and he shuts down". Ive told him it isnt helpful and he says thats my own doing.

After giving birth to our daughter and brining her home. I was floored with the emotion I felt. The love for her was and is something else. I didnt know I could love this much. I remember looking at her and burst out crying and saying to him "we will always be together for the sake of our girl, she deserves the best we need to promise that". A few weeks later, I asked him. What would happen if we broke up with our daughter. Would we coparent. Be on good terms, etc. He was immediately offended. He shut down got nasty. Telling me he "didnt know". I was gobsmacked, and demanded how he couldn't day he would always be there for her. He said he wants to say that but he cant predict an unknown future. He then said he doesnt want to think about breaking up and to ask that question is a red flag. I have continued asking, every few weeks, it has never say right.

Sometimes he will say, we would coparent if on good terms, then he will say he doesnt know how much he would see our baby as he doesnt have all the details (ie where I would be living. Etc)

Each time I get annoyed he tells me I am creating this problem and he doesnt ever want to split up. He said if we were splitting up we would discuss everything and that would include our daughter hut right now he cant give me an answer. I said why cant he said he would move mountains and do anything. He said he would do what needed to be done, what was the right thing for our daughter. He then says I have issues for talking about all of this and refuses to agree anything with me!! Is this not a red flag? I can honestly say that no matter what happens with us, I will always be our baby's mum and I ain't going anywhere. I will be in her life until I die. Why cant he say same?!

Thanks

Why don’t you ask him to do the same? Keep a diary of your behaviour and keep track of every little thing you do that annoys him, no matter how minor and trivial.

He might not have been nasty in the beginning, but it also appears your relationship began as an unwitting affair on his part and deception on yours. Perhaps neither of you moved on from that as well as you thought and the underlying cause is the product you are still dealing with today? If my DH lied, cheated on someone to be with me. I would probably have lost respect for them too. Add to that a history of dramatic arguments, breaking up, back together, mind game tactics....no wonder it has soured. I have been with my DH over 20 years. I can count on one hand the number of rows we have had. We only argue if it is something which seriously needs argument. When we do, we argue about the thing not the person. Name calling is not allowed. Arguing isn't necessarily a problem in itself, sometimes issues need thrashing out. But it shouldn't be the default discussion mode and there is a respectful way to argue which you two don't have.
Ultimately you simply do not sound compatible long term. Your insecurities in your relationship are not going to resolve by acting 'nicer' or more 'positive' because bottom line you don't really trust him.....I'm not sure you even like him? My DH is my best friend. Can you say the same?

Yes good idea. I will suggest it.

Yes actually dp is my best friend. When we dont argue or annoy each other it is perfect. Need to stop being defensive all the time and argue or disagree healthy.

Xh absolutely wasnt my best friend. Nothing in common, nothing to talk about, didnt spend time together. I always remember reading something that said yiu should look at your dp and think "would we be friends". I think we would be. He is funny, reliable, honesty, trustworthy etc. I enjoy spending time with him.

This will end badly and cause a massive argument.

Who or what am I looser than @Confusedgal0001 ?

This will end with her pushing his buttons once too often, him hitting her or going to hit her, ending up in handcuffs in a police cell and social services involved
If I had a pound for every time I’ve seen it

If you have nothing valuable to add. Go away.

Won't happen. I am going to make serious change. For my daughter, my own wellbeing and my dp, I do actually love him.

Jesus Christ. I was taking Dino's comment as sarcasm, not an actual suggestion!

How do you think it will play out, OP? A comprehensive, petty list of every minor look, perceived misstep, tone policing and dissatisfaction you have for one another??

It's an insane idea. It will lead to a nasty argument and accusations thrown back and forth. You might as well set fire to the relationship. Red flags everywhere

A much better idea would be for you to find 5 things to write down each day that you like about him or appreciate. Switch your perspective from a negative starting point to a positive one.

You can't "respect" someone if you're keeping a tally of all their faults.

Good

It isnt a tally. It was going to be somewhere to vent and then reflect. Then maybe I can see a pattern or it'll help me realise lots of these things are tiny and dont need to be blown up. I didnt think it was sarcasm. I genuinely thought it was a good suggestion

You're "trolling"? So none of this is true?

Op find yourself a good therapist and be open to change. Once you have worked on yourself you may find things settle more.

Ok, great, so if he is so honest, reliable and trustworthy. Why are you constantly asking him for a plan if he leaves you?
True friendship isn't just about getting along well with someone and having shared interests. It's trusting each other completely, having each other's backs, being able to be your best version of yourselves. It isn't a relationship where one or both parties are always are on the defence. That isn't friendship.
I do however hope you work something out.

No not trolling. That was meant to be in reply to stationjack
Didnt mean to reply to myself

Yes, it was very much sarcasm to try and show OP how ridiculous her idea is. Went straight over her head!

I dont know. I love him so much and I'm worried he is going to leave one day. Not that it'll be the end of the world, I would obviously survive. I just havent loved like this. Baby brought out lots of emotions where I wanted to protect her and I am failing at that. I wont argue infront of her again I mean that.

Sorry i didnt realise 😔

This really is a case of 'play stupid games, win stupid prizes'.

Stop challenging him and trying to destroy everything.

You sound like a very insecure nightmare to be with. Do some work on yourself.

This just proves how toxic the OP's mindset it. Frigging hell.

Honestly, he talks to you with a tone because you are acting like a crazy person. I would also advise my son (or daughter if the positions were reversed and her partner was acting like you) to get the hell out of there.

If.you want to save your relationship you need to get yourself to some kind of therapy.

Do you send lots of unpleasant PMs?

Very much this. I'd want to scoop my kid and the baby up and take them far away from this emotionally abusive nightmare.

In normal circumstances I'd suggest seeing a health visitor in case this is some post partum psycological issue, but it sounds like the OP's lived her whole life this way.